


Come Back for Me

by RoyalWaterfowl



Series: Mutant AU [2]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, half life: VR but the AI is self aware
Genre: Fluff, Found Family, Gore, M/M, Mutant Powers, Mutants, Other, Reaction, Reaction Scene, Slow Burn, Violence, established boomer, frenrey, only a little, reaction fic, some illness, the frenrey isnt the focus but its still big, theres whump in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 40,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27636178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalWaterfowl/pseuds/RoyalWaterfowl
Summary: What happens when Joshua finds out what his dad went through in Black Mesa?The science team's trip to Xen causes them to mutate so much they have to skip town and live in the wilderness, leaving everyone and everything behind. Years later, Gordon gets to see his son again. After all this time alone, how will he feel seeing how his dad's changed? After finding out what he's capable of now? Can they ever be the same?I recommend reading the oneshot before this in the series (Mutant AU) since it takes place in the same universe and you ought to meet Joshua's mother. This fic can still be understood without it though!
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Gordon Freeman & Joshua Freeman
Series: Mutant AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020672
Comments: 120
Kudos: 233





	1. Act 1, Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write this fic so I could write a reaction scene of teen!Joshua finding out what happened to Gordon in Black Mesa. To do that I had to do a bit of set up... to make it even more dramatic, of course. Now we have a 3 act monstrosity! I have it all planned out already.
> 
> A lot of this is pure fluff. We have frenrey fluff and found family fluff, as well as father/son relationship fluff! 
> 
> A warning: there is throwing up in the first chapter. It starts at "Ugh... I dunno" and ends with "no problem, dude". A warning for later chapters: there will be animalistic depictions of killing and eating big game animals.
> 
> Also, my Bubby has tics (as does the author), so I will do my best to remember to include tic warnings at the beginning of chapters where he does it just in case anyone else's tics will be triggered by reading about them!

It's been a few weeks since the incident when Gordon got kidnapped by not-Black Mesa. He’s since found a new house relatively close to the rest of the science team and, since Benrey didn’t have his own place, he was allowed to move in with Gordon.

One evening, the two of them are sitting on the couch together watching something on TV. Gordon was leaning into Benrey’s side even though they hadn’t started out that way when they first sat down for the evening. Although they’re certainly more friendly and comfortable with each other since they shared a moment a few weeks earlier, they were far from acknowledging what it meant for their relationship. Neither of them would even acknowledge that they were sitting so close to each other.

Suddenly breaking the silence, Gordon jolts up, frantically rubbing at his left eye.

“Gah, shit!” Gordon grunts, while Benrey just watches with surprise. “I got something in my eye.”

After taking a second to rub at his eye to make whatever it was stop irritating him, he gives up. “I gotta go look at this shit. Be right back.” He sets off for the bathroom.

Suddenly disappointed by the vacant space on his arm, Benrey says “uh, okay. Don’t let the uh.. Don’t hurt.” He settles back into his seat.

Chuckling at Benrey’s weird antics, Gordon shoulders into the bathroom and takes a look at his eye in the mirror. His stomach drops to his toes when he sees his left eye looking like hell. His sclera is almost completely yellow by now and his iris is turning red. 

“Shit!” He huffs to himself. His heart is beating itself out of his chest. The skin surrounding his eye has risen into a lumpy, sickly, and inflamed mess. Frantically, he leans in to look at it closer, and sees the skin is also starting to look a little crusty with red bits beginning to flake off. It doesn’t hurt, Gordon notices, besides the incessant feeling of an eyelash in his eye. Tentatively touching the swollen flesh, he notices that it’s firm to the touch.

“BENREY!” he yells down the hall.

No answer.

“BENREY!! COME HERE!” Gordon screams louder.

Muffled and not at all urgently, Benrey calls back, “What?”

“WILL YOU COME LOOK AT THIS? PLEASE? I THINK I’M GONNA SHIT MYSELF.”

“Jeez! Okay I’m coming.” Benrey lumbers his way to the bathroom, stopping in the doorway to see what the fuss is about.

“Look.” Gordon turns to Benrey and exaggeratedly points to his left eye, although the right eye is starting to take on the same changes.

“Oh, damn,” is all Benrey has to say. To his credit, he looks properly concerned.

“What the fuck is happening to me? Is that all you have to say? Do you think I need to go to the hospital?” Gordon’s voice wavers as he wrings his hands and paces the room.

Frowning, Benrey leans in closer to Gordon’s face. He opens his mouth a little as he processes what he’s seeing. “Bro this is Xen,” he says.

“The hell do you mean this is Xen??”

“Xen did this to you dude,” Benrey clarifies, rightfully concerned. “Exposure, or something.” Benrey frowns. Despite his nonchalant choice of words, Benrey’s tone conveys the gravity of the situation. “At least I think so…”

“You think…?”

“Yah.”

“Oh my god, okay.” Gordon runs his fingers through his hair, grabbing locks of it and tugging. Eyes blown wide and looking at nothing as he freaks out. “What do I do?? Is it gonna go away? What if--”

Benrey blows some blue sweet voice at him. Gordon’s shoulders visibly relax. They share a tense moment of silence as Gordon emotionally reboots. Slowly, Gordon leans into the mirror to get another close look at his eyes. He turns side to side and just gets as good a look he can.

“It’s gonna be okay, bro.” Benrey tells him.

“Okay, it’s…” Gordon takes a deep steadying breath. “It’ll be okay as long as it doesn’t get worse, right?...and I can’t see anybody about it. Because it’s-- Xen… No one can know.”

“Wear sunglasses?”

“Yeah…” Another shaky breath from Gordon. “I can just wear sunglasses. Unless it gets worse, then that won’t even work. And if it never goes away I’ll have to wear sunglasses my whole life. Benrey!” Gordon whips around to stare down Benrey with wide red eyes. “What am I gonna do?? Just hope for the best?? Fuck!! I can’t just-- I can’t! I can’t! Ben--”

Another string of blue Sweet Voice stops him in his tracks.

Gordon turns back to the mirror while Benrey walks up behind him. “Okay. Yeah. Thank you. I’ll just… have to wait. And see,” Gordon says.

So they wait. Gordon and Benrey go back out to the couch and try their best to pretend it didn’t happen. Maybe it’ll wear off by the morning. They sit on the couch, albeit a bit stiff, while Gordon tries to ignore the knots in his stomach. His heart is beating a mile a minute. Eventually, Gordon gets up and starts pacing around the living room, back and forth, while Benrey watches him with concern.

Of course Benrey is concerned. He cares about Gordon probably more than he cares about himself. There’s just nothing Benrey can do. He knows Gordon won’t feel better until the problem is solved, and Benrey was never one for wise words anyway.

After an hour of Gordon pacing the living room, TV on but forgotten and him bouncing his fears off of Benrey (What if it gets worse? What if I’m not human? What if I get experimented on by--by our old work? What if I become an outcast and have to leave society?), he eventually decides to go to bed.

Gordon hardly sleeps at all that night. He tosses and turns and his chest and stomach ache. Occasionally he rubs at an itch in his eye. Every time his eye itches or he feels a _single_ sensation _anywhere_ in his body, Gordon thinks _what if something’s changing? What if I wake up a monster?_

Eventually day does come. The second Gordon can justify getting out of bed, he practically bolts to the bathroom to look at his eyes again. They haven’t changed. Or have they? Aren’t his sclera a little more yellow? Are his pupils _really_ circular? What if the change is so small he just can’t tell? 

When Gordon finally heads out to the kitchen to fix a breakfast, Benrey notices up close that that patch of rough skin is _definitely_ redder. It’s not just inflamed, either. That shit is straight up red. Benrey doesn’t know for sure and he definitely isn’t gonna stress Gordon out by asking for a closer look, but Benrey thinks that area doesn’t even look like skin anymore… more like a bone-like shell… or something.

-

Benrey and Gordon try to carry on with their lives hanging out, sharing meals, and streaming. Things seem to have calmed down, because Gordon hasn’t had any more strange side effects for a few days now. Gordon’s relaxed and things are looking up!

Gordon’s making coffee one morning when a bolt of pain shooting up his body sends him to the floor. Benrey is at his side in an instant. Gordon clenches his whole body and shakes lightly with the tension.

“Dude what’s happening, what can I do?” Benrey’s afraid to touch Gordon lest he hurt him more, but he’s frantically looking for anything that he can do to help him, searching for some sort of source to eliminate. 

Gordon’s on the floor on his hands and knees, minutely shaking and clenching his jaw something fierce. He squeezes out a grunt and falls further to the floor, so that the side of his face is pressed into the cold tile and his shoulders and chest are pressed into the ground while his ass stays in the air. He’s shaking harder now and has broken out into a sweat.

“Gordon..? Can you talk?” Benrey’s request is met with a drawn out groan. “Are you gonna throw up?” A weak nod in response. “Okay bro I’m gonna...I’m gonna get you a bucket.”

Benrey brings Gordon a large bowl and passes it to him. The worst of the pain seems to have passed, because Gordon is able to sit up and reach for the bowl to pull it closer. He still looks wrecked. 

“Th...thanks…” Even his voice is shaking.

“Bro do you know what this is?” Benrey is sitting on the floor next to him, hands in his lap. “Are you, like, sick?”

“Ugh… I dunno…” Gordon sits cross-legged staring into the bowl in his lap, just waiting for his nausea to culminate in finally throwing up. He can only hope he only has to puke once before he feels better. “I guess I’m sick. There’s this god awful nausea,” he says, weakly gesturing to his stomach area. Gordon’s cheeks puff out as he burps a little. Gordon takes a breath as if to speak again but the nausea hits full force and he finally throws up into the bowl. 

Benrey holds his hair back and gently massages his scalp to help him through it. When Gordon finally finishes he catches his breath. 

“Th...thanks again, Benrey.”

“It’s no problem, dude. What are dudes for.” Benrey quirks a small smile.

Gordon chuckles weakly at that. He sits in thought for a second. “I think it’s just anxiety.” Benrey cocks his head as he listens. “Cuz like. I’ve been really stressed and scared and sometimes bodies react really strong to that kind of thing…” Gordon idly taps on the sides of the bowl he still has in his lap. “At least I hope it's just the anxiety.”

Benrey continues to stroke Gordon’s hair. They’re still for a second before Gordon gasps in sudden pain. His stomach feels like it’s tying itself in knots. It doesn’t even feel like nausea anymore, it’s just straight up _pain_. He feels like tens of knives keep stabbing into his back, ripping up his organs, over and over again. This must be more than just anxiety.

Gordon’s organs are reconstructing into better versions of themselves. Gordon will find that after this ordeal, he’ll have better core strength, a better liver, and a stronger stomach. He’ll be resistant to poison. With some experimentation he’ll find that he can eat and metabolize just about anything. Hopefully, Gordon will never have to feel _this_ pain again. Add it to the list of pains he hopes to never experience twice.

While Gordon is a sobbing mess on the floor, Benrey stays by his side petting his hair and murmuring to him. He keeps him grounded.

“...I’m gonna call somebody,” Benrey eventually says. Gordon can’t exactly argue. Benrey runs to grab his cell and speed dials Tommy.

Tommy picks up and Benrey gives him the run down of the situation, explaining to the best of his ability what it seems to him that Gordon is experiencing. 

“Oh yeah, I felt that too!” Tommy says. “It hurt really bad.” Tommy says casually.

“Yeah, that-- sounds about right.”

“Well it’ll pass soon enough! Does he-- do you want me to come over?”

“Yeah, uh,” Benrey looks over at Gordon, who has stilled but still looks in pain. “That’d be--nice.”

“Okay! I’ll be there in jiffy, like… faster than… a...a rabid bunny!” Tommy supplies.

“Thanks, Tommy.” Benrey hangs up on him before he can say anything else and goes back to Gordon’s side, who seems to be recovering from the worst of it.

“Are you feeling?” Benrey asks lamely.

“Am I--” Gordon scoffs. “ _Yes_ , Benrey, I’m feeling. Better, but feeling.”

“Okay, good. Tommy said he had it too. He’s on his way. And, uh..” Benrey’s voice falters. He gulps. “You have to be the one to call the others cuz they like you more. Idk.” He deflects from being _too_ worried about his friend.

Gordon sits back on his knees and looks at Benrey with exasperation. “Are you really making me talk to people right now? Dude.” Gordon hits him with the most _done_ look he can muster.

Benrey just hands him the phone.

“Ugh, fine. Even though I’m in pain, I will call Dr. Coomer,” He sasses. With his stomach still throbbing in his abdomen, Gordon dials Dr. Coomer, knowing he can reach Bubby that way too.

The phone rings three times until Coomer greets him with a cheery “Hello, Gordon! To what do I owe this pleasure, hm?”

“Hi, Coomer. I was just calling because, uh, I just had the _weirdest_ thing happen to me!” Gordon’s voice pitches up when he says that. “And I was wondering, if, like, maybe you guys…?”

“Gordon, are you asking if we’ve experienced any _adverse_ side effects since returning from the Border World Xen?”

“Oh, uh!” Gordon’s pleasantly surprised that he doesn’t have to say it. “Actually, yes, I am asking that! Cuz I just went through something pretty sucky!” He laughs weakly into the phone, still recovering from the sucky thing.

“Ah!” Coomer’s voice rings through the phone with more cheer than it should. “Why yes Gordon, you could say we have been experiencing some side effects!”

In the background, Gordon can faintly hear Bubby holler “Fuck if we haven’t!”

“Tell Bubby hi for me. But okay! Are--”

“Gordon says Hi, Bubby!” Coomer says, muffled, as if he’d turned away from the phone to say it.

“Oh -- thanks. Are you two available to come over right now? I hear Tommy’s already on his way and I could really use the support right now. I’m kind of freaking out. I shouldn’t even be on the _phone_ right now,” Gordon shoots a glare at Benrey who has the sense to look ashamed, “Do you have my address?”

“Yes Gordon I do! I have Bubby going to start the car right now!”

“Awesome, cool!” This cheers Gordon up to know they’ll be here soon. “Thanks again.”

“No problem Gordon! We’ll be right there. See you soon!” Coomer hangs up.

“Cool, see ya, bye--oh,” Gordon looks at the phone to see it’s gone back to his home screen. He looks to Benrey. “He hung up,” he explains.

Benrey snorts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tic warning! It's mentioned that Bubby tics once or twice.

Not long later when Gordon is feeling well enough to stand again, there's a knock on the door. All three of their friends arrived at once. 

Gordon opens the door to see them standing together, dressed a little awkwardly. Tommy seems to have the same changes to his eyes.

“So, uh, was it cold out there?” Gordon asks nervously, rubbing his neck. He’s referring to the fact that Bubby is wearing a beanie and Coomer is wearing a whole cloak, while Tommy has a face mask on like everyone used to wear during the pandemic.

Bubby squints at him, then yanks his cap off for Gordon to see what he hid under it.

“Oh--!” Gordon exclaims, before biting his tongue.

“I know,” Bubby deadpans. “Side effects my fuckin’ ass.”

Bubby has a whole third eye on his forehead. It’s big and red, and looks more like a glossy orb than an eye. But Gordon recognizes it from the faces of some of the aliens he had to fight in B-- at work.

Looking to Benrey for support, Gordon says, “Well now I feel kinda like a wuss. For calling you guys over some belly pain, uh...”

“Oh, Gordon!” Coomer pipes up from where he stands holding Bubbys hand under his cloak, “There’s no pain olympics, now! Pain is pain, and if you need support, we’ll come!” Coomer raises his hands to clasp Gordon’s shoulders without releasing Bubby’s hand, letting his cape fall back to reveal two pairs of arms.

They’re big and beefy, quite fitting for a pro boxer. One pair sprouts from his shoulders just like his original arms, and the second seems to come straight out from his rib cage, about 5 inches lower than the main pair. It's with his lower left arm that he holds Bubby’s hand. The most notable characteristic of his arms, though, is the texture. They’re rough and bumpy and red, just like the mottled flesh around Gordon’s eyes. They have spiny bumps running along the sides too. Upon seeing them Gordon’s eyes blow wide and he can’t help but feel a little more like he  _ maybe _ didn’t have it so bad…

Benrey interrupts his thoughts by nudging his side with his shoulder. It does the trick.

Gordon looks to Tommy, anticipating something hiding under his mask. “Well Tommy, let’s see it,” Gordon resigns.

“I’m sorry, Gordon,” he says while taking his mask off. “I don’t want you to feel sillier, but-- I-I have a beak now.” He takes his mask off and, yep, that's a beak. It's fairly flat to his face, not long at all, which is how it wasn’t detectable under the mask, but it’s definitely a beak. 

“Holy shit, dude! How do you eat?” Like all the other mutations so far, the beak -- a yellowish brown itself -- is surrounded by a raised ring of red “skin.” He doesn’t have any teeth in there.

“I haven’t tried to yet! This happened just today! But, uh… drinking is kind of messy…” Tommy says with a frown, “I stained my shirt this morning.”

Knowing how much Tommy really cares about his wardrobe -- almost all of his shirts are his favorite -- Gordon frowns too. “I’m sorry, dude. We can get you a new one.” There's a moment of silence where no one knows what to say. Tommy must have gotten his beak just today, and hadn’t mentioned it.

“Let us the hell in!”

“Oh, right!” Gordon startles. “Yes! Come in, come in!” He turns and leads the others into his house, which they have only been to once since he moved in, and it was when he was moving in. Gordon leads them to the living room, stopping only for a moment to clutch at his abdomen when another wave of pain -- cramping? -- struck him. They all settle around the living room to discuss what’s been happening to them.

“So, we think,” Benrey starts, “that, uh, going to Xen did this to us.”

Bubby hisses when he hears the name of the planet, his shoulders jerking up to his ears and lingering before falling back down as quickly as they rose. Coomer squeezes his hand in comfort.

“Yes,” Coomer says, “and it only seems to be getting worse!” Bubby tics his chin and clicks his tongue.

“I don’t know about you guys, but it started for me about a week ago. I’ve been afraid to go anywhere!” Gordon includes.

“I-it does seem to be permanent…”

“I don’t know! We could be okay!” Gordon says, convincing himself. “I still have a chance to cover up! Not a lot changed for me yet.”

“Well Gordon, you never know. You could end up worse than the rest of us,” Coomer suggests.

The group discusses their options surrounding their sudden mutations. Benrey just watches them. Benrey hasn’t changed at all since he’s already an alien. If anything, the science team is becoming more like him. He tries not to let it get to him that they’re acting like being like him is their worst nightmares.

Gordon thinks he knows where this conversation is going, that someone’s going to suggest they skip town forever, but when Tommy actually suggests it seriously he’s still surprised. Apparently Tommy knows a place in the wilderness that has very little traffic, especially if they go deep enough into the woods. There’s a cabin there -- who knows why -- and it gets mail? But there’s no plumbing.

After not nearly enough deliberation Gordon finds himself the only one opposed to leaving. They don’t understand, he  _ can’t _ leave. He has a kid here! He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he left Joshua alone with his mother with no explanation. He has to at least tell him he’s leaving!

Despite his intense opposition to the idea, Gordon knows it’s the only realistic option. Actually, it’s a horribly unrealistic option, living off the grid on their own. Somehow it’s still managed to be more realistic than mutating into aliens, though.

It’s settled. They’ll leave for Tommy’s cabin the day after tomorrow. Gordon’s left gasping to get a word in edgewise, tears accumulating rapidly at the corners of his golden eyes. The science team leaves Gordon’s home after expressing their condolences and comforting him, trying their best to assure him that it’s all going to be okay.

Before Coomer walks out the door, he places a thick and calloused hand firmly on Gordon’s shoulder, providing a fatherly comfort Gordon hasn’t known for a very long time. He looks at him glossy eyed, his look betraying an understanding more profound than Coomer typically lets on. A tear runs down Gordon’s cheek. He’s betraying his only son and he’s never felt more selfish for it.

Coomer pats his shoulder twice. “Good luck, Gordon. I’ll be here for you.” With that, Coomer follows Tommy out the door as they all go home to pack.

\--

Gordon paces around the house. He clomps back and forth in the living room while Benrey sits on the couch and listens to his rambling.

“How is this supposed to work? Are we just gonna live off the land? Are we going to be gardeners now?” He gestures animatedly as he speaks. “There’s no  _ plumbing, _ Benrey! What are we gonna do? I can’t-- I’ve never even  _ camped _ before, Benrey!”

“But-but-but--” Gordon continues, “We won’t have  _ jobs _ . What are we gonna do when we need something we can’t grow ourselves? Order it online? I don’t fucking think so!”

“Bro, it’s gonna be chill. Humans used to live like that, like, every day.”

“Yeah well not ME humans! I’m not humans!” He flusters. “That came out wrong-- But I’m not even human anymore! Benrey!” Gordon feels like falling apart at the reminder that he’s not human.

“Hey hey hey,” Benrey stands up. “It’s okay man. Neither am I and I’m great,” he says, forcing more confidence into his tone than he really has.

“That doesn’t help me but-- and JOSHUA!” Gordon seems to have forgotten about the human thing already, already fixating on leaving his son behind. He’s already ignoring Benrey again.

“I can’t leave him behind. I’m his dad! A father shouldn’t just leave their kid! I already left him with his mom--” Gordon chokes up a little. “We were supposed to get him away from his mom, not leave him with her  _ alone _ . At least now I still have him every other week!” Gordon chokes back a sob. “He’s gonna grow up with her all alone.” He couldn’t even stay married to her, and here he is leaving Joshua without a choice. He wants to at least tell him where he’s going so he doesn’t worry, doesn’t think his dad abandoned him, but he knows he can’t do that either. That realization sends him over the edge, crying into the couch cushions while Benrey awkwardly rubs his shoulder. 

“No one can know what happened to us?” he asks.

“No, man…” Benrey gently combs his fingers through Gordon’s hair, which is down. “I’m sorry.”

Gordon sobs again in defeat. He cries into the couch like that until eventually he falls asleep, probably dreaming about Joshua. Benrey finds him a blanket and covers him with it, then leaves him to it. Even after Gordon wakes up, he just sits and stares into space. Any attempts to talk to him only serve to stress him out again, so Benrey figures leaving him alone to sort his thoughts out might be best. 

\--

Sometime in the late afternoon, probably evening by now, Gordon makes up his mind. Just because he can’t tell his kid where he’s going or why, doesn’t mean he has to leave without warning. Gordon would never abandon his kid, or let him think he died or left him.

So Gordon’s going to leave him with something before he goes.

Gordon starts collecting things from around the house. Photos, trinkets, anything Gordon thinks will mean something to Joshua when he’s older. He’s going to mail a package to Joshua to remember him by. He finds a childhood toy he kept and puts it in the box so he can have something physical, to know that his father was more than a story and an image. A framed photo of Gordon’s side of the family so Joshua can know where he came from. So he’s not limited just to his mother’s family. 

Then, he starts typing a letter. He pours all of his heart onto the page and prays Joshua can feel his love in it whenever he reads it. It turns out longer than he’d thought.

When he finishes Gordon wipes his eyes and finally scoots back from the computer. It’s dark out now. He saves the document to his computer and prints two copies. One of them he puts in a protective sleeve in an envelope and writes READ FIRST on it. Then it goes into the box for his son. The other, he puts into a folder in his desk drawer. For whom, he doesn’t know. He just needs a copy for his own sanity. 

Gordon prints a picture of the science team and encloses it in the box too. He seals it all up with a heavy heart, thick tears accumulating on his cheeks before dripping onto the cardboard.

Only now does he feel like he can go to bed. He doesn’t dream.

\--

Gordon spends the next day packing to leave. He only brings what he knows he’ll use. Everything else he just kind of plans to leave behind. Maybe someday Joshua will get to go through his old things. He packs clothes and basic reusable hygiene supplies, trying not to worry about what he’ll do when he runs out of toilet paper or needs a new toothbrush. He’s already trusting Tommy on the whole leaving town business, he’ll have to trust Tommy to know where to get supplies too. He packs plenty of clothes, not even knowing if he’ll someday resort to living in the nude. He doesn’t have a  _ clue _ what to expect. He doesn’t want to think about it. He only passively accepts that he’s leaving.

Once he’s packed he heads to the post office to mail out his package to Joshua. He hopes his mom actually lets him have it, knowing she’ll probably open it first. It’ll apparently arrive at his house in two days. He’ll be gone by then, and that’s all he needs. When he thinks that, he feels like he’s running from his son, but if Joshua showed up at his door begging him to stay, he doesn’t think he’d be able to go. Gordon ducks out of the post office, praying the clerk didn’t notice his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sunkist and Darnold weren't originally written into this fic because I literally just forgot about them, but I did think of a way to work Sunkist into it later! So there's that. I meant to post this yesterday but ended up working extra hours. My bad! Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bubby tic warning! Only one is directly described but others are mentioned as well.

The next morning the whole crew shows up at Gordon’s house with their bags packed and disguises on, ready to hit the road. It’s 4am for some reason, and the sun is only barely starting to rise.

“Tommy, why are we up so early?” Gordon asks, rubbing his eyes with one hand while languidly dragging his suitcase to the trunk of Bubby’s car.

“Well because--because it’s a road trip, Gordon! We, uh-- You can’t have a road trip without a sunrise!”

“I think you can, though.”

“Uh--” Tommy stops abruptly as if this is the first time he’s considered this simple fact. “No, because I’ve always started long trips before the sun comes up! It’s-It’s for the atmosphere!”

“He’s right Gordon, you can’t have a trip without an atmosphere!”

Gordon splutters. “Coom- You can’t have anything without an atmosphere!”

“Oh, Gordon,” Coomer gives him a look that says for shame. “I think Bubby would beg to differ!”

From the doorway to the house they can hear Bubby yell “And I do beg!” while fumbling with the bags and keys.

Okay then. Bubby begs to differ. 

“Also, Gordon,” Tommy adds, “It’s a long drive, and I’d like it to still be daytime when we get there!”

The team settles themselves and their bags into the car. Gordon lingers for a moment, looking at the house he only lived in for two weeks, trying to figure out how he’s supposed to say goodbye to his whole life before it even started. Bubby makes him get in the car.

\--

The drive only ends up being 3 hours long. It’s 7am when they get there.

“Well I guess I’m glad to be close. It’s nice knowing I can go back if I have to,” Gordon says. 

They drive along the edge of a dense forest, riding some ways up a mountain before Tommy directs Bubby to turn the car off the road and down into a depression not visible from the road. According to Tommy, they’ll get out here and walk the rest of the way.

They get out of the car, all looking around at the woods they’ll apparently be calling home. There's a mailbox on the side of the road. Do they have an address? Gordon stands and stares deep into the trees, feeling the early morning atmosphere. It’s cool and damp outside, and light flutters down between the leaves. There’s a light breeze. Birds sing and some butterflies flutter about in the small clearing they parked in. Gordon thinks he could get used to it here under any other circumstances.

He finds himself wishing he didn’t have to carry a suitcase through the woods. Behind him, the science team shed their disguises. Coomer whips off his cloak with a flourish before reaching into the trunk of the car with his whole upper body. 

Coomer emerges triumphantly raising a bag of theirs in each of his four hands, laughing. “It’s a good thing I packed light!”

Huh. Gordon guesses he won’t have to carry his own stuff after all.

“Thank you Coomer, I appreciate that!” Gordon says.

“It’s no problem Gordon, what are arms for?” He answers with a beam.

Gordon fondly huffs out a chuckle at Coomer. He has a point.

After Benrey grabs his stuff, they start the trek deeper into the forest with Tommy leading the way. They walk for a good 45 minutes until they come across a small clearing with a quaint log cabin in the middle. Gordon catches himself thinking it’s adorable!

The cabin is two storeys tall with a little laundry line set up outside. There’s also a wash basin and a fire pit surrounded by gravel some yards away from the house.

Something about the scene in the early morning sun makes Gordon almost look forward to his life there. Almost.

“--and there’s plenty of deer around here, so we’ll have plenty to eat,” Tommy says. 

Wait, what?

“Tommy, did you just say we’ll be hunting our own food?”

“Well yeah, Gordon, w-what did you think we’d do?”

Gordon doesn’t know what to say to that. He hadn’t thought anything.

“Never fear, Gordon! We can have a garden too!” Coomer comforts him.

Bubby’s already off inspecting the fire pit. Overhearing them, he calls over, “If you can find the seeds, Gordon, you’re more than welcome to start a garden!”

Right. Seeds. 

Tommy lets them know there’s a small stream (river?) nearby that they can get water from, and the group moves into the cabin to take a look around. It’s a simple cabin, with a small sitting room and kitchen, one bedroom on the ground floor, and three bedrooms on the top floor. It’s cozy. They claim bedrooms as casually as they can, like they’re just spending the night in a lodge, and drop their stuff off in them before meeting back in the sitting room.

What now?

After a minute of awkward silence as nobody knows what to do next, they end up talking about their “symptoms.” Coomer, with perhaps the most drastic change, says growing his new pair of arms was a very painful experience, with lots of popping bones and broken skin.

The third eye Bubby grew is larger than his other two, with red sclera and a darker red pupil.

Tommy comments on it, saying “It looks kinda like, like the ones we fought at Black Mesa! The v-vonneguts!”

The group visibly cringes at the mention of the place’s name, and Bubby hits himself in the chest, seemingly involuntarily. The action is over as suddenly as it began. No one mentions it.

Tommy, about his beak, says it was a gradual change and didn’t hurt any more than chapped lips. By the end of it all, Gordon feels more than a little silly about freaking out over his eyes changing color.

“Nonsense, Gordon! I’m sure we all panicked equally!” Coomer says. 

“Thanks Coomer, but uh, Tommy,” Gordon says, “You said you had stomach pains too?”

“I sure did! It felt like the, uh, the p-pits of hell opened up from within me and--and tore my soul out with a potato peeler!”

“That’s what it felt like for me too. Are we the only ones?” He looks to the rest of the group when he asks.

“I had it too, Gordon! As did Bubby!” Bubby nods along with Coomer. 

“I wonder what it means!” Tommy suggests.

Benrey speaks up for the first time in a while. “You’re ~adapting~” he says as a joke. He chuckles as he says it, but he has a point. Gordon looks to his own lap, contemplating. That’s actually viable. Adapting to what, foods? As much as he hates to admit it… it’s worth testing. Eventually.

Besides these changes, they all report increased strength. Bubby has done little random movements the entire conversation, thumping his chest multiple times since the first mention of Black Mesa, squeezing his eyes shut, and rapidly turning his head to the side. They all ignore it, although Gordon wonders if he’s the only one who’s noticed it.

\--

Their first day in the new house goes fairly well. They all take a walk to the stream, and take turns filling water bottles Coomer had the consideration to pack. He’s quite the survivalist, it seems, and Gordon is grateful for it considering he hadn’t thought of it. So much for being the overthinker of the group. They also found buckets in the cabin's kitchen. Gordon hopes there will be more pleasant survival surprises in the house.

Before heading back they take a little walk along the large stream/small river (creek? Gordon still doesn’t know.) and are pleasantly surprised to find a small waterfall! They are living in the mountains, of course, and it turns out they’re decently close to a cliff face. It’s a beautiful sight, really. Gordon finds the thundering of the water to be therapeutic. It drowns out all his other thoughts. He thinks he might come out here more often. 

They lug the water buckets back to the house, finding a cauldron in a storage room. They boil the water per Coomer’s direction, setting up the fire pit and cauldron per his instructions. Actually, it’s more like Coomer sets it up himself with his four ultra-strong arms while the others watch. They boil the water to drink, and by then it’s noon. 

What now? Gordon’s getting kinda hungry. There’s nothing to eat, except… Gordon hesitates to look into the woods, knowing he’ll end up having to eat something from in there. Hopefully they’ll find berries.

Oh! Coomer brought snacks! Thanks, Coomer!

The group sits in a circle together outside, enjoying the sun and their new surroundings. The whole time they’re eating, Gordon won’t shut up about what they’re gonna eat in the future. As much as the others insist they’ll figure something out eventually, with Coomer promising he brought extras, eventually Bubby caves and decides to drive into town for some fresh produce and garden seeds. 

As begrudging as he is to do it, he refuses all other offers to go in his stead. Bubby says his mutations are the easiest to hide, but “don’t make me do it again. Who knows how long this’ll last.”

They ultimately agree on carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, broccoli, and snap peas. Bubby heads out for the seeds, fully intending to hit as many stores as he can and buy whatever he can find that might help them in the wilderness. They’ve gotten a second chance at preparation and he’s not gonna waste it. While he’s gone, Tommy remembers seeing bush berries in the woods on the way in!

“Way to go Tommyy! Got rid o’ da Bub for a bit!” Benrey jokingly cheers.

“I didn’t-- I didn’t mean to!” Tommy says to Benrey’s teasing. “I just--I just f-forgot.”

“It’s quite alright Tommy, I’m sure he won’t mind the six hour drive by himself!” Coomer assures him, clapping a thick hand on his shoulder. Tommy looks less than assured.

“Coomer!” Gordon scolds. “That’s a little passive aggressive don’t you think?”

“Why, Gordon, I’m never passive!”

“Just aggressive then,” Gordon finishes. “Okay.”

They all go out as a group to look for berries, except they forgot to bring a container to carry them in so what they actually ended up doing was having a Tommy-taught lesson on edible fruits complete with taste testing and an impromptu food fight. They pass three of Bubby’s six hours in town doing this. 

At around 4 in the afternoon they head back to the house. They end up spending the rest of the evening unpacking and getting a better look at their inventory. The cabin is furnished, luckily, with beds, closets (no hangers), and dressers. Coomer uses some of his remaining phone battery to ask Bubby to bring hangers back-- “And while you’re at it, clothes pins too!”-- considering the clothesline outside, Coomer figures they’ll be air drying their laundry from now on.

There are enough bedrooms for all of them, with Bubby and Coomer sharing one. Tommy finds a shovel in their storage shed, as well as a number of carving knives in a drawer in the kitchen that will come in handy once they finally warm up to the idea of hunting for themselves. Luckily Tommy already knows how to prepare fresh meat.

By the time the place is starting to feel more like a home and less like a strangers vacation spot, it’s 8 in the evening and they’re expecting Bubby back any time now. They sit together in the sitting room, sometimes talking but mostly quiet before Coomer realizes:

“Oh dear! He’ll be out there in the dark!” Coomer jumps up to grab one of the lanterns from the table and runs to the door and outside, hoping to meet Bubby at the parking ditch before he has to walk alone in a strange forest at night.

He runs into Bubby right at the edge of their clearing instead. 

“My dear Bubby! I’m so sorry we left you out after dark!” Coomer laments, practically throwing himself at Bubby.

“Dark? What the hell do you mean?”

“You had to walk back in the dark.” Coomer says tentatively, his urgency turning to confusion at Bubby’s reaction.

“It’s not dark.” Bubby looks up and around him. “The sun only just set. It’s not that dark.”

Coomer’s taken aback by this claim. It’s dark out. He can barely see into the trees, with only his lantern illuminating the space around them. He leans over to peek behind Bubby, and sees nothing. It’s dark.

“It’s dark.”

“It’s not.” Bubby stares at him for a long minute. “Are you alright? Harold?”

“I, uh,” Coomer frowns, unsure what to make of this. It’s actually dark outside. “I’m alright, but...”

“Let’s get inside. There’s no need to stress out here.” Bubby holds out his elbow to Coomer, who links it with his lower left arm, carrying the lantern in front of them with his upper right. Despite Coomer having the lantern, Bubby leads the way.

When they get back inside, they have the others come out to debate if it’s really dark outside. The only people who agree with Bubby that it’s not dark out are Benrey and Gordon. Tommy and Coomer can’t see it like they can.

“Woaaaaah… You’re seeing in the dark, dude.” Benrey tells them. “It’s what I can do… you have night vision! Sweet.” He tells them this like it’s normal. 

Gordon has a moment where it feels like he’s losing his grip. It’s all coming too fast, and now he can see in the dark. Will everything look different now? Is the world the same if his senses are different? He feels like he just left today, and already this place is taking all that he has left of his past. As though staying even longer will make the changes come faster, and soon he will be unrecognizable.

Bubby takes it much better. “Huh. Cool.” 

“You have eye shine too, bro. We’re kinda cool like that. Haha.”

Gordon frowns when he hears Benrey say that to Bubby. Cool like that… Cool? How can this be cool, when there’s no going back?

They go back inside. They spend the rest of the night sheltered by the cool summer breeze and the chirping crickets outside, relaxing together while they simultaneously ignore and plan for tomorrow, day two of living without society.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys who are sticking with me!! I'm always really nervous to post this fic :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to my personal notes it looks like there's no warnings this chapter... let me know if there's anything I missed that I should include a warning about, since I don't actually reread these again before I post.

It doesn’t take as long as expected to get the hang of living off the land. They find the rhythm to their day as well as their own new bodies. They’ve started using their mutations regularly, taking advantage of their new abilities and wielding them like the extensions of themselves they are.

They get the hang of working together, too. Each new day becomes less of a question of what to do next as they run their household with the ease of a well oiled machine. Coomer does the heavy lifting, Bubby works the fires. Gordon develops quite the green thumb with the garden he started for them (mostly for himself), and in the meantime while they wait for the plants to be ready to eat he enjoys the meditative time he gets in the forest foraging. It’s not long before Benrey takes to hunting (he won’t disclose his methods) and Tommy puts his skills to cleaning and preparing the meat.

Within a week they stop worrying about supplies. The risk of having to send Bubby back into town for tools and other necessities disappears as it becomes clear that they have everything they need to get by. They’re confident they won’t have to leave the grounds again, just in time for bigger changes to start rolling in.

One day when Tommy opens his mouth to take a bite of his dinner -- consisting of cooked deer, berries, and one of the last protein bars Coomer brought -- Gordon notices his previously blunt beak has developed a ragged and pointy edge -- like teeth. 

“Woah, Tommy, Dude! What’ve you got going on in your mouth man?” Gordon leans in closer, mostly in awe at Tommys frankly really cool new assets.

“Uh-- what do you mean, G--uh, Gordon?” Tommy makes wary and confused eye contact with Gordon in their close proximity.

Leaning back to his own seat, Gordon tells him, “Dude you have sharp ass teeth now!” He gestures aimlessly in the air. “And here I thought you’d just lost your teeth completely!”

“Teeth?” Tommy prods at the inside edge of his beak with his fingers, a look of confused curiosity gracing his features. “They’re pointy, but not that big. But, uh-- hey, so do y-so are yours!” He interrupts himself when he notices Gordon’s own teeth have grown larger and his canines sharper.

“Wait fuck, really?” He feels around his own mouth. “Holy shit! They are!” He turns to Benrey, who just came up to sit with them in their spot on the grass outside. “Check this shit out!” He shamelessly opens his mouth for Benrey. 

Benrey’s glad to see Gordon feeling comfortable with his body again. He leans in to take a peek. “Huh. That’s real neat.” He hides a small smile by taking a bite of his food.

“What do they look like though? I can’t see them!” Gordon’s practically giddy at this point, his scientific awe and newfound sense of normalcy desensitizing him to what previously would have freaked him out. His hands are practically buried in his mouth feeling them.

“Look in the mirror why dontcha?”

“They’re pretty p-pointy, Mr- uh-Gordon!”

“I gotta see this man!” Gordon hurriedly leaves his food on the ground when he gets up to practically jog inside to their mirror.

When he gets inside he nearly runs into Coomer in the sitting room, on his way out to join them.

“Oh, dear--” Coomer says. He has to scramble not to drop his food  _ and _ crash into Gordon.

“Sorry--! Look!” Gordon excitedly points to his open mouth as he all but hops out of the way to continue on his mission to the mirror. “I have teeth!” He calls before he gets too far away.

“You sure do!” is Coomer’s distant reply. 

“We all have teeth! You’re not special!” Bubby yells from the kitchen.

They can hear Gordon’s muffled reply from the other room. “But these ones are pointy!”

Gordon comes back to show Bubby his teeth. Bubby takes a good look at them, squinting with his mouth open like he’s putting on Olympic mascara before he says “Huh. So they are pointy. I’ve got the same, myself.” Bubby says and turns back to what he’d been doing previously. 

“They’re lovely, Gordon! Positively carnivorous!” Coomer says.

Coomer’s phrasing triggers a realization in Gordon and he busts out the door to find Benrey and Tommy still sitting where they were. “Hey Benrey!” Tommy turns to look at Gordon.

“Yeah?” Benrey answers, pointedly not turning where Gordon can see his face.

“Are Xen creatures usually meat eaters?” Gordon asks. Tommy visibly stiffens at the mention of Xen.

“Yeah, why?” Benrey answers. 

“Just wondering. I think that’s what these teeth are for!” Gordon answers. 

“Oh, neat…!” is all Benrey gets the chance to say before Gordon turns back around to find Coomer and Bubby behind him, Coomer prodding at his own teeth with his fingers

“--do feel a little bit bigger, I suppose..!” Gordon catches him on the tail end of saying. It seems that Gordon’s new teeth are the biggest out of all of them.

Gordon says two words. “Meat Teeth!” as he points at his mouth again.

Coomer perks up. “Meat teeth!”

Tommy echos them from somewhere behind Gordon. “Meat teeeeth!”

They nod at each other in mutual understanding. The scientists of the board agree: it’s meat teeth.

\--

Gordon puts on his glasses one morning and finds he can’t see out of them. He’s sitting on his bed as he just woke up. He put them on and the world became eye-wateringly blurry, so when he takes them off he cleans them with his shirt and puts them back on. The problem persists. After a few more tries he realizes that he can actually see just fine without them. Better than he had before.

He gets out of bed to look in the mirror. Groggily, he lumbers over to the wall in the hallway outside his room. He looks into the mirror, rubbing his eyes. When his eyes focus again he sees that his irises seem to be glowing faintly, to his surprise. A part of him still feels like he should be concerned. He’s rapidly approaching the point of no return, and he’s just letting it happen.

He heads downstairs to find everyone else already awake, chilling in the sitting room with tea.

He gets straight to the point. “So I don’t need my glasses to see anymore.”

Benrey’s attention immediately snaps to Gordon. He’s looking at him with wide eyes.

“That’s great, Gordon!” Coomer says.

It turns out that Bubby wasn’t so lucky to grow out of his glasses, but he doesn’t seem to mind it considering his night vision and third eye. Something tells Gordon he’s not fond of the changes anyway. 

\--

Benrey finds himself blushing every time Gordon smiles at him. He blushed plenty before -- just Gordon’s approval is enough to do that to him -- but it feels different now. He already knew he liked Gordon. Every time Gordon laughs it’s like the sun comes out. But something about his new teeth… It’s something about Gordon becoming more like him that makes Benrey feel… happy? Proud? Impressed?

Maybe it’s a little weird for him to be proud of what Gordon’s becoming but frankly, the thought of Gordon changing, transforming, into a creature as strong as him… does things to Benrey. Not to mention, of all the ways to mutate, Gordon’s doing it right. He looks to have gotten quite the attractive hand with the new feature shuffle. He has pretty eyes. He had pretty eyes before, of course, but they’re simply magical now. He has pretty teeth. He has a pretty growl -- it comes out whenever he’s frustrated.

Benrey would like to believe he’s just happy with it because it’s biologically advantageous for Gordon to have these new features… but then why doesn’t he feel the same about the others? Doesn’t he? He’s certainly glad the others are becoming more equipped to survive. But it’s just not the same.

It’s hard for Benrey to admit that he thinks Gordon’s cute -- cuter than before. But that’s what it is. Benrey’s attracted to Gordon and he finds some visceral satisfaction in seeing him grow more frightening and like himself every day. He’s been experiencing more and more of Benrey’s experiences too, which does wonders for their communication. 

Every time Gordon smiles at Benrey, every time he shows off his ragged maw, Benrey suddenly feels bashful. Delightfully intimidated. It’s good, uh, that Gordon can defend himself. Self defense: always important. Heheh.

It’s when he and Gordon are sitting alone together out in the setting sun that Gordon says something -- cracks a joke -- and Benrey has to refrain from reaching out to touch them. 

He’s got it even worse for Gordon than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna post this tomorrow (on Thanksgiving) in keeping with my chapter every other day pattern, BUT I figured most of y'all would be busy on Thanksgiving and I wanted people to have a chance to read this when it gets out. I trust that many of you will be up far later than you should be anyway.... (its almost 11pm for me right now).  
> Thank you for reading!  
> I know it was a short chapter so there may not be much to comment on, but I still feed off of everything y'all say. Not to mention the only reason this one is so short is that things really pick up in the next chapter, and if I moved on to the next scene this chapter, I'd have to include a lot and it would be way too long! SO look forward to that! *does a gay little gesture*  
> Big thanks to those of you who have commented on my other chapters consistently, I see you!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy tries something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They mention getting sick in this one, but no nasty depictions.

The team starts to notice that they've been getting sick a lot lately. It started with Tommy, when he became strangely unable to keep food down. It had started slowly but eventually he was throwing up after almost every meal. Not long later, the rest of the science team followed.

No one knows what the issue is. The leading theory is that something is wrong with the vegetables they’ve been growing, or that Tommy was wrong about a certain berry being edible and they’ve been poisoning themselves.

The suggestion that they’ve been poisoning themselves scares Gordon. He’s been through so much already. He doesn’t want to die so soon.

They decide it would be best to stop eating plants as much to see if it resolves the issue. If not, they’ll try eliminating something else. Gordon feels mighty guilty that his garden could have been poisoning his friends. Did he do something wrong?

Eliminating fruits and vegetables helps quite a bit. A few days after the change they find the issue has resolved itself to mere indigestion. Still, they want to find out if the problem was with the gardening or the gathering. 

Bubby, Coomer, Benrey, and Gordon are debating it one day when Tommy steps out from the trees, having returned from a walk in the woods.

He approaches the group and sits down with them, not saying anything so as not to interrupt their conversation. He wipes his wrist against his beak, pulling it from his face and looking at it. It comes off red. This doesn’t go unnoticed to Gordon -- in fact, his beak is almost completely covered in blood.

“Tommy!” He exclaims. “What the hell did you do? Are you okay?” Naturally Gordon’s outburst attracts everyone else's attention. 

“Holy shit you look like you’ve been through hell!” Bubby says.

Tommy shrinks under the attention, suddenly shy. “W-uh, I’m okay! I-- I thought maybe that since our teeth changed our diet should have too! So I, uh,” the rest of the group stares at him in pregnant silence. Tommy suddenly feels embarrassed. “You know? Because they’re, uh, best suited for carnivorous eating habits… we should be able to chew tougher foods…” He looks between everyone watching him, their expressions nearly unreadable save for the quirk of Bubby’s brow and Gordon’s slowly dawning realization. “I thought… maybe… we should be able to, uh, eat… raw meat,” he trails off.

A moment of awkward silence passes.

“Tommy, are you telling us you ate a deer? Raw? Today?” Gordon looks fixedly at Tommy’s bloody beak. He wipes at it with his hand again, self-conscious.

“Yes…”

Incredulous, Gordon asks, “Are you fucking okay?? Dude you can’t just fucking, eat a raw animal!” He chuckles a little as he says it at the pure fuckery of the situation. “That’s how you get  _ worse _ diseases, Tommy!”

Suddenly insulted, Tommy retorts, “Do I look like I don’t know that, Dr. Freeman? I knew-- I knew that going in and I-I still know it now! It was a c-calculated risk!”

Coomer joins in. “It sounds credible to me, Gordon!” he supports Tommy. “A lot has changed for us, and considering our recent illnesses, Tommy has a point!”

Benrey agrees that it’s probably safe. “It’s something I can do. The only reason I  _ don’t _ is cuz I don’t wanna gross you guys out. It’d be nice to not have to cook my food anymore. Kinda bland.”

“It sounds like the evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of making the switch to not cooking our meats!” Coomer says.

Bubby simply stares at the ground.

“Now wait just a fucking second! You can’t expect us to just  _ stop _ cooking food right away. We don’t even know if Tommy’s gonna get sick yet! He only just now--” Gordon turns to Tommy. “You did eat that  _ just now _ , right?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, see? Just because he did the experiment doesn’t mean we have the results! We still have to wait and see--” wait.

“Tommy.” Gordon gives Tommy an intense, almost pleading look.

“Uh, yeah, Gordon?” Tommy looks back at him warily.

“Did you eat an animal  _ alive _ just now? Fucking  _ ALIVE? _ ”

“Yes…”

Gordon’s expression is positively grave. “Don’t tell me you were sat over some poor animal, just--” Gordon blanches. “That’s fucked up!”

Tommy just sits and stares Gordon in the eyes. He wipes a bit more blood off his beak.

“God dammit!” Gordon exclaims and falls back to lay on the ground. He fists his hair with his claws “Tommy -- what happened to us staying normal despite this?” He glares at the rest of them. “And you’re all just gonna gloss over how he ate it alive? That’s fucking monstrous!” Gordon gestures wildly in the air.

Tommy doesn’t know what to say to that. He had thought it made perfect sense at the time -- it even felt natural, in fact.

“I don’t--”

From his place on the ground with his eyes covered, Gordon continues. “I thought we only came out here so we wouldn’t be tested on--” Bubby huffs at the mention. “--I didn’t think--I thought we were just gonna continue our normal  _ human _ lives, just looking a little different!” Gordon sits up, suddenly angrier. “I didn’t fucking sign up to turn into a fucking  _ beast _ !” He gets up and turns to stomp inside. “I thought the teeth were cool -- this is just too fucking far. Just give me a fucking minute.”

Gordon slams the door inside and the others are left to consider what happened. Coomer notices Tommy has started crying at the outburst.

While Coomer comforts him, Gordon sits inside with his head in his hands. 

He really doesn’t know where to begin to cope with the inhumanity of what Tommy did, but he knows he’s going to have to. There’s no chance of going back to live in greater society, not with the further changes he’s had. Forget his eyes--he’s grown claws in the time since coming here. Despite it all, and despite getting used to  _ looking _ different, he just doesn’t know how he can deal with inhuman  _ behavior _ .

And he can manage eating meat raw -- that's pretty okay. If he tries, he can think of it as something he simply is capable of doing now. It’s neither here nor there. It’s not even a visible change! He can handle that.

But the idea of being so uncivilized and beastly as to eat the meat raw straight out of the body where it died… where it was killed with Tommy’s bare hands, no less. The idea of its heart still beating at the first bite. Gordon doesn’t think he could move past that, doesn’t think he could  _ do _ it. He didn’t fight these changes so hard just to devolve into a beast. 

It makes him wonder what’s next. Do they even need to live in a house?

If they stopped needing to live in a house, would they move out of it? Would they really embrace an animal’s lifestyle just because they can?

Gordon fears he may become the only one who values his humanity.

Gordon sends himself into a spiral, convincing himself that his world is ending with Tommy’s lunch. That his friends are changing without him, that they don’t see it coming. He feels alone, and afraid, and like he can’t trust anyone. Every time he thinks about the ways his friends have developed since this all started, he sees their grip on themselves unraveling with them.

Until Benrey comes in. Benrey, who hasn’t changed at all. Seeing his face is a much needed relief for Gordon.

Gordon perks up at his entry, saved from his own head. The relief is so strong he could cry. 

“Ben--”

“That wasn’t cool of you, dude.”

“I-- what?” Gordon didn’t expect that. His relief changes to confusion, and then back to anxiety.

“Yeah. You shouldn’t have yelled at Tommy like that. He’s like, really hurt.” Benrey sits on the floor next to Gordon where he has been leaning against the couch. “And, like, I’m a little insulted too, not gonna lie.”

Gordon stares at nothing, frowning. He did yell at Tommy, didn’t he? Maybe he shouldn’t have, even if he did torture an animal. The reminder that he did floods him with guilt. But Benrey? Why is Benrey insulted? 

“Wh..” Gordon looks at Benrey, not knowing what to say but the look on his face clearly communicates his confusion.

“I’m-- Bro.” Benrey’s visibly disappointed that Gordon hasn’t gotten it. This has been an issue from the start, and frankly Benrey’s frustrated that he has to explain it to him at all. “This is how I’ve been living my whole life. This shit that’s happening to you guys? I was born with it. I’ve  _ always _ been able to, fuckin’, grow and shrink and have claws and see in the dark and shit. And I could always-- I  _ prefer _ fresh meat. I wouldn’t eat it  _ alive _ , sure, but you basically called me a fucking  _ beast _ , dude. That’s kinda rude.”

Benrey continues to give Gordon a stern look, while Gordon stares at him as he processes in silence. When it’s clear Gordon won’t respond, Benrey continues.

“This has been going on from the start, man. You keep freaking out at every little thing. You freaked out about the eyes -- that was understandable -- you freaked out about the claws and the night vision like half a week later when you, what, remembered you were supposed to? You had thought it was cool at first -- and you made  _ me _ comfort you about it. Gordon--” Benrey huffs a sigh. “I had to tell you  _ oh, don’t worry,” _ he recounts in a mocking tone. _ “You’re still a person~ You’re not a freak  _ even though you  _ look like me~ _ ” He looks Gordon in the eye again. “That fucking sucked dude. I’m surprised you didn’t notice. Fuck, man, there’s nothing wrong with what I am, or you are, or what’s happened to the others. Do you think I’m uncivilized? Genuine question.” He eggs Gordon for an answer. 

Gordon meekly shakes his head no.

“Well neither are you. This shit was normal for me before-- before, uh, I came here.” Benrey, despite his frustration, doesn’t want to blame Black Mesa (and by extension, Gordon) for taking him from his homeworld. That’s a conversation for another time.

Benrey and Gordon look at each other for what feels like a real long time before Gordon visibly falls apart as he realizes what he did to Benrey. Tears stream from his eyes as he apologizes profusely. 

Choking a bit on his own snot, Gordon throws himself into Benrey’s arms, chanting apologies all the while. Benrey holds him readily, patting his hair despite the part of him that wants to stay mad.

“Dude, it’s, uh, it’ll be okay with me. I told you, now you know. You’ve got a lot to adjust to, just-- just gotta not do it again. Gotta not act like I’m gross anymore. Not the end of the world. But like…” Benrey glances to the door. “Okay like I get that we’re having a moment but what you really gotta do is apologize to Tommy, not me. For yelling at him over something he thought was natural. He didn’t-- he’s new to this. You don’t think to hold back when you're new. Instincts, ‘n shit. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

Gordon stills in his arms as he composes himself. Then he sits up and says, “you’re right. I gotta… apologize to Tommy. Thank you, Benrey.” He looks at Benrey with gratitude. You helped me with a few things just now, actually. Thank you.”

He gets up to apologize to Tommy, and Tommy is naturally overly forgiving. Gordon promises not to do it again, promises that he understands that his preferences are personal, and tells Tommy that whatever he did or the fact that he found it natural doesn’t make him disgusting or a  _ beast _ .

“Of anyone in the world, Tommy, to not accept you, it should never have been me. I’m sorry. You should be able to always count on us to love your differences, cuz like,” Gordon has a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “We’re different too. And we came out here because we knew no one else would take us. I never should have become what we wanted to get away from.”

Tommy grins widely, and to Gordon it’s like sunshine after rain. He’s immensely relieved that Tommy’s okay. 

“Aw, Gordon! You just had to apologize! Thank you, that--that means a lot!” Tommy envelopes Gordon in a strong hug which Gordon all but melts into. Gordon knows he’ll be okay with eating raw meat if it turns out to be the solution to their indigestion. While hugging Tommy he’s surprised to find that the smell of blood lingering on his hands and beak doesn’t repel him like it used to. He registers this fact, takes a moment to be okay with it, and burrows his face into Tommy’s shoulder while he does the same.

\--

Once a few days pass and Tommy has yet to get sick (in fact, he reports feeling better than usual), the science team agrees that eating their meat raw might be what their bodies need. Coomer at least welcomes the change. He claims the usual food is starting to taste bland. 

For the sake of easing into it, Tommy agrees to catch, kill, and carve the deer the same way they had been before with the only difference this time being that he doesn’t cook it. He presents it the same way as always.

When Gordon sees it he has to hold back a grimace. It doesn’t look bad -- just the same as anything he’d buy at the store (Tommy so courteously drained and cleaned it so it wouldn’t look like the dead animal it just came off of). He just isn’t fond of the circumstances leading to him eating raw meat.

Bubby doesn’t look much better off, but rather than squicked he just looks… ashamed. And tense. Bubby suffered perhaps the most at the hands of Black Mesa and the effects of that abuse are on display for all to see when he tics. Like any of them he would like nothing more than to forget what happened after the resonance cascade. For Bubby, though, every extra mutation and every little change he has to make as a result serves as a filthy reminder of the control Black Mesa still holds over him. Since creation his whole life was dictated by superiors at the facility -- and even now that he’s escaped, he still isn’t free.

He’ll eat it, but only because he has to.

Coomer, on the other hand, has already started to eat the chewy food. Casually and with an air of lightheartedness he digs into his meal as if it’s as typical as the sunrise. His way of coping with Black Mesa seems to be pretending it didn’t happen at all, choosing to live in faux ignorance.

Benrey looks at everyone else for a moment before seeming to decide it’s safe to eat himself. Supposedly he’s been wary of what the others would think of him once he started acting less  _ normal _ , and he takes Dr. Coomer and Tommy eating as a sign that it should be safe for him to proceed without judgement as well.

Watching the way his friends eat their portions triggers a sense of unease deep in Gordon’s belly, as though something isn’t right. He’s suddenly afraid, suddenly homesick, but he can’t identify the feeling. He feels invisible, standing outside of time, wanting to hide at the same time.

“Are you okay, Dr. Freeman?” Tommy’s hand on his shoulder grounds him. 

He jumps out of his reverie. “Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine…” He stills a moment. “It’s just different.”

“That’s okay! You don’t have to start tonight!”

Tommy’s point is tempting. Gordon would like to forgo the slab of meat in front of him and instead eat something plant-based and  _ normal _ , but he knows it’s now or never.

“No, uh-- I will. I’ll eat it. I just…” He stares at his food, half reaching for it but not knowing what to do.

“You can pretend it’s normal, Gordon!” Coomer suggests. “Try closing your eyes.”

He closes his eyes and manages to take a bite. He finds it’s surprisingly easy to tear with his new teeth. It’s very juicy-- a fact he tries not to think too hard about, and chewy. He supposes it’s not as bad as he’d expected: he’d expected to feel like an animal gnawing at a slab his teeth weren’t built for. It’s also really good. He thought it would be gross, although he hadn’t had any idea what it would actually taste like. This isn’t something he’d ever anticipated needing to try. 

  
Perhaps for the fifth time Gordon decides he can  _ probably  _ get used to this. He relies on Coomer’s advice to pretend nothing’s changed. The group eats in anxious silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been thinking, It would be cool if ao3 had the thing where you can comment on specific paragraphs like they have on Wattpad. It just seems handy. I know I'd be better about commenting if I could do that here!
> 
> I wrote for three hours yesterday working on act 2 of this fic and I am literally SO excited. I'm getting pretty confident that there won't be a hiatus between acts, especially since there's 9 chapters in act 1 so I have plenty of time to finish act 2!
> 
> Also I've noticed that there have been two end notes on this fic left over from my end notes from the first chapter and idk how to get rid of that without deleting it entirely, since I still want that note to be on the first chapter... idk man. We'll see.
> 
> The *next* chapter is when things get exciting! I thought it was gonna be this one but I was wrong. I'm excited. oh! and then the one after that ALSO exciting. and then so is the one after that. hashtag no filler lol


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for graphic depictions of gore (animal, not human). At least, it's graphic if I wrote it right. I'm not confident in it though.

That first deer lasted the science team about three days, even with their increased appetites. Once it was gone, Tommy of course offered to catch and prepare the next one in the same way. Gordon and Bubby both gladly accepted the offer. 

They carry on this way for some time, mealtimes becoming casual and mundane once again. At some point Coomer started going hunting in Tommy’s place. Despite how comfortable it’s gotten, Gordon knows it can’t last forever. He knew from the start that Tommy had been doing him and Bubby a favor by going so far out of his way to disguise their habits as something mundane. That he was merely catering to their need to grasp at the straws of normalcy. The last thing Gordon wants is for Bubby to move on from these training wheels before him and Gordon be left as the only one who’s not ready.

He also doesn’t want to insult Benrey -- or, by that point, any of them -- by still being weirded out by the practice so long after everyone else has gotten used to it.

Knowing this, Gordon has been warming himself up to finally going on his first hunt. Killing and eating his own dinner without Tommy’s cosmetic touch. Eating an animal that still looks like an animal.

Gordon tries to believe he’ll still be himself when he does it. 

Knowing himself, Gordon knows if he takes too much time to think about it he’ll back out. Right before Tommy is about to go hunting he stops him.

“Tommy, wait!”

Tommy stops at the edge of the woods and turns to look at him as Gordon jogs up to him. 

“I’m ready. To go with you,” Gordon says.

“Are you sure?” Tommy says.

“Yes! Yes, just-- don’t ask. Let’s go before I change my mind,” Gordon says, breathlessly.

Tommy nods rapidly in understanding. “I understand, Gordon! Let’s go.”

Tommy and Gordon stroll into the trees together. It’s a clear day, warm but not muggy. Gordon can hear the birds singing in the trees. It’s quiet -- tranquil -- save for the occasional stick Gordon steps on and breaks. It feels just like any other walk.

They continue on their surprisingly relaxing stroll for some time before Tommy freezes and sniffs the air. 

Uneased by Tommy’s abrupt change in behavior, Gordon stops too, watching him intently.

It’s still for a moment as Tommy swivels his head in search of the source of some smell. He stiffens again as he zeroes in on a spot in the distance. 

Gordon cautiously steps up to Tommy to see what he’s seeing. He doesn’t see anything.

“There’s one over there,” Tommy says in a low, menacing drawl.

“Oh,” Gordon whispers. He tries to look at Tommy’s face from where he stands behind him. He looks dangerously intent on something. “There is?” He squints in the general direction.

“Do you smell it?” Tommy’s voice is uncharacteristically devoid of emotion.

Gordon feels very lost. “...no?” He sniffs at the air. It just smells like air to him. 

In that moment he hears something off in the distance. A very, very faint step. Then another one. 

“Do you hear it? It’s walking now.” Tommy still stares intently in the direction of the animal. 

Gordon’s surprised to realize he  _ did _ hear that. That he wouldn’t have been able to before.How didn’t he hear anything like that on the way out here? He guesses that focusing so hard on it and the tension and silence of the situation made his hearing more sensitive.

“...Yeah. I do.”

“Good. You shouldn’t say anything else.”

Gordon opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again. He nods solemnly at Tommy. 

Tommy takes another step, then stops and frowns. 

Gordon hears Tommy’s voice in his head and has to reel himself in from almost panicking. ::Usually I can walk silently Dr. Freeman, but you haven’t been this whole time. Can you try?:: 

He whips his head to look at Tommy, and is startled to find him looking at him, as if waiting for an answer. So Tommy  _ did _ say that.  _ Since fucking when is Tommy telepathic?? _

::Not for long, Gordon! I just- it uh, it-- changes come faster when you-- like a muscle! The more-the more I try, the more I can do!::

_ So he can read Gordon’s thoughts too? _

::Should I stop?::

Gordon pauses to consider. Does he actually need Tommy to stop?

_ No, uh, you’re fine. _ Gordon thinks, warily.

::Okay, good! Because this was gonna be hard if I had to keep talking to you the whole time. I’m glad I won’t have to:: Tommy gives him a very warm smile, just like he would have if he’d spoken out loud. Gordon doesn’t know why it looks so strange to him. The disconnect between seeing Tommy in one place and hearing him in another… it’s yet another thing for Gordon to get used to. 

The two of them pick their way through the trees, Gordon following Tommy’s lead to where Gordon can hear the deer chewing on something. It’s louder now, easier to discern what it’s doing. 

::I got an idea. I was gonna just get one today like usual, but since you’re with me I think we should get two. So you can watch once, and then have practice yourself!::

_ Oh, uh, okay. Sure. _ Gordon doesn’t feel particularly fond of watching his friend kill an animal while it’s minding its own business -- he also doesn’t particularly want to find out  _ how _ he plans to do that, considering Tommy brought nothing to kill it with. 

They get in a position where they can see the deer and Tommy’s focus zeroes in on it. Gordon finds himself zeroing in on it too -- he can hear everything about it. It’s breath, it’s heart rate, the swish of its tail. 

::It doesn’t know we’re here. Or if it does, it’s not afraid. Its smell, uh, it’s not dispersing any of it’s alarm pheromone.::

Oh, pheromones. That’s nice.

Gordon witnesses Tommy wiggle his shoulders as he hunkers closer to the ground, not unlike a cat. His pupils are blown wide as he locks onto his prey. All is still for a pregnant moment.

_ Is he gonna pounce on it?? _

The tense atmosphere breaks and Tommy visibly slouches. ::Can you please not distract me, Dr. Freeman?::

_ Oh, right. Sorry. _ Gordon contains himself and tries his best to not… think… too loud.

::Thank you. Also, yes I am going to pounce on it:: Tommy takes a deep breath and locks back onto the deer munching on some grass about ten yards away. The silence is loaded once again. Gordon resists the urge to step back. 

Suddenly, far faster than should be possible, Tommy bolts for the deer. It hears him of course, and Gordon picks up the exact moment it’s heart rate spikes. It moves to run -- but it’s too late. Tommy lunges the last few feet for it, catching it by the neck as it had tried to escape mid-bound. Gordon hears it’s neck snap, killing it instantly. 

Gordon stands frozen, eyes wide, staring at what Tommy apparently just did. At least it was a quick kill. Tommy slowly and gently lays the dead deer on the ground. Gordon hears its remaining heartbeat as it shallows and slows to a stop. Tommy stands back upright, looking at the deer for a second of mourning before turning back to Gordon. Gordon can do nothing but stare at Tommy back. Gordon’s own heartbeat pounds in his ears.

“Do you think you can do that?” Tommy’s speaking voice is far too loud after all that.

“Uh--” Gordon stares at him still. “I don’t know. Can I?” Nevermind if Gordon can do it mentally -- does he even have the physical strength? Up until now Gordon has felt pretty human. Maybe a little stronger, sure. But strong enough to pounce on and kill a deer in one hit before it can get away?

“I think you’ll be surprised, Mr. Freeman, what you can-- what you can do!”

Gordon doesn’t want to back out now. He looks down to the body on the ground. 

“What, uh, are we gonna do with that?” 

“We’ll have to come back for it! But, uh… We do have to make the next one kinda-- kinda quick, Gordon. It’s better fresh, es- uh, especially if I’m not draining or carving it…” Tommy says, giving him a nervous look. Like  _ he’s _ afraid of upsetting  _ Gordon. _ As if he hadn’t just demonstrated a ferocity Gordon wouldn’t want to fuck with.

Gordon certainly doesn’t want to argue. If Tommy says making it quick will make the eating experience any better, well, Gordon certainly isn’t going to refute it.

He makes up his mind before he has the chance to overthink it. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

Tommy’s smile is instant. “That’s g-great! You should, uh, you can lead now.” 

Tommy gives Gordon the right of way to lead the way through the woods and he doesn’t know what to do. They’re just standing aimlessly where the first deer was killed. He guesses they can start walking in a direction until one of them hears something… So that’s what he does.

He picks a direction and goes, trusting Tommy to know where to come back to to find the deer they’re leaving behind. They just kind of stroll for a few minutes before Gordon remembers he’s supposed to be paying attention for leads. Tommy isn’t going to help him out this time. Gordon tries to switch back into whatever mindset allowed him to hear so much earlier. 

He focuses really hard on nothing and is surprised to find he can feel the moment his mind shifts into some sort of tunnel vision and the world suddenly becomes much more vivid. Immediately he can hear a pitter-patter not far away. 

He triangulates the source of the sound, and quietly leads a grinning Tommy towards it. As they get closer Gordon realizes, oh. That’s a squirrel he’s hearing. He stops in his tracks and sighs. Tommy chuckles behind him.

“It’s okay if you need help, Gordon.”

Gordon shakes his head, determined. “Nah man. I got this. I’ll figure it out.”

Gordon re-centers his senses and they keep walking in another direction. Fairly quickly he finds footprints in the ground. 

“Ooh!” he exclaims, before getting shushed by Tommy.

::It could still be around!::

_ Oh, right! Sorry. _

They follow the tracks, Gordon paying hyper-attention to his foot placement so as not to make any noise. He listens ahead, and is proud to find that he can in fact hear the animal he’s tracking. He hears it snuffle at something, minding it’s business. Gordon glides along the trail with a grace he doesn’t usually possess. He finds with some pride that tracking animals comes naturally to him.

Gordon spots the animal. His pupils widen as his brain automatically shifts from tracking mode to hunting mode, unprompted by Gordon himself. His body positions itself, ready to attack. Some part of him feels out of his depth, but he’s so caught up in the flow of it that he can’t focus on anything besides the hunt. 

Tommy had planned to ask him if he knew what to do next, but he doesn’t want to interrupt his instincts.

Gordon freezes in position and stares at the animal. He waits, but for what he doesn’t know. The world grows muted and the only thing that exists is Gordon and his prey. The animal breathes steadily. It’s heart beats strong and regular. It blinks. It’s completely unaware of their presence. 

Something clicks and suddenly Gordon’s leaping from behind the trees and he finds his mouth on its neck faster than he can realize it. He’d made eye contact with it, a small part of himself feeling bad for it. He feels it’s pulse on his tongue as his jaw snaps tight, his teeth tearing into its arteries and the force of the bite breaking its neck.

Next thing he knows, he’s killed it. The sound of its blood as it gushed from it’s snapping neck rushed like the ocean to his hyper-sensitive ears, and he watches from outside his body as he releases the animal and it falls to the ground. His mouth is filled with its blood. He opens his mouth to passively let the blood drain, not swallowing and not spitting either. 

As the high of his hyper-focus waned, Gordon finds himself standing numbly over his kill, unable to believe what he’d done. He thought-- He’d expected to use his  _ hands, _ at least. But he should have known his body had other plans for the teeth it gave him. 

Face wet with the blood dribbling down his chin, he meekly looks up at Tommy. There’s mirth in his eyes -- pride. 

::Good job, Mr. Freeman!:: Tommy praises him in his head, smiling widely from a few yards away. He walks towards him, looking at the animal he killed. It’s a far messier scene than Tommy’s dry kill. “That should-- that did it!”

Gordon rubs his neck. “Hah… yeah, I guess it did…!”

He’s only a little relieved to find that killing the animal with his mouth eased him into the idea of eating it. 

He’s not thrilled that he liked the taste of the blood from its still-beating heart though. 

Tommy suggests Gordon to pick it up, and he does, reluctantly. He carries it in his arms in front of him, hugging it to his chest. The gash in its neck is a little too close to his face for comfort.  _ I did that, _ he thinks. He tries not to look at it even though the smell is right by his nose.

Tommy leads them back to the last deer, taking them straight to it. Gordon thinks it's cool how he kept track of its location, although he supposes he shouldn’t be surprised. 

He grabs his deer, heaving it onto his back in a way Gordon wishes he had had the forethought to do too.

Tommy looks at Gordon and says, “Since to-tonight’s special, Dr. Freeman, I th-think we should eat yours tonight! So I can-- I can preserve mine and we’ll have yours to celebrate! You did a good job today :)”

He can’t help but perk up at the praise. He grins at Tommy. “Thanks, dude. That’s good to hear.”

Tommy smiles at him with a “mhm!” and they walk through the woods back to their house.

\--

Come dinnertime the science team gathers around the fire. There’s a happy atmosphere as the others congratulate Gordon on his first kill.

Coomer claps him on the back with two hands and smiles brightly into his face. “You’ve done fine work, Gordon! You’ve earned yourself the first bite!”

“Oh great!” Gordon says, sarcastically. “I’m so glad.” He looks at the animal on the ground before him. It just looks like it's sleeping… with a broken neck.

“Uh--” he steps towards it and falters. He doesn’t really know what to do now? It sounded simple enough in theory but now that he’s gotten down next to it and everyone’s watching and surrounding him he doesn’t know where to start.

The damn thing is furry. He doesn’t wanna eat its fur. Is he supposed to get the skin off? 

“Um. okay. So do I just…” Gordon grabs one of its legs and tugs, tentatively. It’s sturdier than he’d expected. He doesn’t want to let the others on to his cluelessness. He’s gonna have to do something, and no matter what it’s gonna take strength he doesn’t know he’ll have without accessing that freaky auto-kill mode.

He lifts its leg up in a direction it wasn’t meant to bend and feels the tension. He glances up at the others, fearing disapproval. They’re still watching.

“Rip-- rip it off, Mr. Freeman!”

“Just-- y’know.  _ Skrrch,” _ Benrey mimes ripping the leg from its body. 

Gordon nods hastily. He welcomes the direction. He tugs two times a little harder, steels himself, and delivers a forceful yank. Instantly the fibers of its flesh give way as it pulls apart, leaving stringy remnants of muscle dangling in the opening. The momentum of the too-strong pull sends his arm farther from his body than anticipated as blood flows from the wound. 

He brings the limp limb closer to himself to look at it, and raises a questioning glance at the others. 

“A fine show!” Coomer says. “Now eat it! I know you want to,” Coomer finishes with a sinister overtone.

He gulps and looks at it, and then up to Benrey. He finds Benrey’s gentle nod and smile comforting.

He looks down at the meatiest part of the leg and brings it up to his mouth. The fur tickles his lip and his stomach churns. Suddenly his mindset shifts and the smell of the blood and fresh meat is suddenly  _ appetizing _ to him and he eagerly bites into the soft and tender flesh without a second thought. The skin is a little tough, but once his new teeth break through it the meat is supple and wet. His mouth dances with flavor and Gordon drools over it. 

He hardly processes the applause and cheers around him as his teammates congratulate him on his first kill while he chews, swallows, and eagerly tears off another bite.

It was just the leg, of course -- not a lot on the bone at all and it really wasn’t enough. When Gordon finishes the few bites in his hand he sets the rest of the mutilated leg down and looks to his smiling friends.

“How was it?” Coomer asks. 

Gordon holds back a chuckle. “It was… really good, actually. Heh.” He rubs his neck.

“Excellent! May we dig in?”

“Oh! Yeah!” Gordon gestures to the rest of the creature in a grand display. “Dig in!”

Just like that, the others are on the animal in record time. Tommy’s already drooling as he grabs at the head and eagerly wrenches it off the body in a twisted display of strength.

Coomer reaches the fingers of his four hands along the groove where its ribs meet in the center of its chest, digging in and splitting it in half with a sick crack and ripping sound, exposing its lungs behind the wall of muscle strands still stretching across the cavern.

Bubby at least had the sense to wait his turn. He sits back and waits as Benrey scolds the others, “chill out please? It’s just dinner? Like, damn.”

Hearing his words makes Coomer and Tommy chill the fuck out despite the fact that Tommy presently has the thing’s tongue in his mouth. 

“Eat like normal? Please?” Benrey asks.

Tommy bites off and swallows half the tongue and takes the other half out of his mouth. “S-sorry.”

Now that the meal has officially started Gordon feels much more at ease. They take turns pulling portions from the body of the animal, developing a steady rhythm and faltering once only when they reach its organs as they decide the best way to share. It’s surprisingly easy for Gordon to eat this stuff once the mutant side of his brain gets a whiff of it.

\--

Weeks later, they sit outside in the glow of their burning fire as the sun sets, and they joke and tell stories just like they had before. Now that they’re used to their new eating habits Gordon feels a lot less self-conscious about eating like an animal.

Gordon scoops out a chunk of a poor deer’s flesh with his clawed hand and lifts it to his mouth, eating out of his palm. He takes a large bite with his ragged teeth and grinds it up, blood surrounding his lips, in his beard, and oozing from the corners of his mouth. He smiles and laughs heartily as Benrey rapidly fires jokes. Smiling and chuckling, he licks the blood from his hands. His long tongue slithers between his wide spread fingers as Dr. Coomer doubles over laughing nearly in Bubby’s lap, two hands pulling at Benrey’s arm as he struggles to speak around his own laugher.

Tommy chokes and coughs on an eyeball when Bubby delivers a one-liner that catches him off guard. Gordon sputters out an “are you alright man?” as he digs a claw into the deer’s open chest to grab it's heart, as it had become a nightly competition to see who could get to the heart first -- they all agree it’s the best part, and everyone wants a piece. 

Gordon bites into it, his sharp canines popping the juicy muscle and blood pours out of it. Quickly, so as not to lose too much, Gordon shotguns the blood as it drains. He barely registers a chant of “chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!” as he drinks and soon moves on to eating the heart itself. This had been a strong deer in its life, and the meat is dense and flavorful on his tongue.

Once the science team and benrey have devoured the animal to their satisfaction, leaving almost nothing but bones, they clean it up and move the bones to the bone pile to take care of later. 

After dinner, they wind down around the fire, transitioning from jokes and energy to idle chatter as they digest.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy December!! My power nears its peak.

Gordon kills a wolf for Benrey.

He brings it to him one evening when he catches Benrey on his own chilling outside. He carries it high on his shoulders and sets it down in front of him.

“Uhh, what’s this for?” Benrey asks, directing his attention to it.

“Uhm,” Gordon rubs his neck, the muscles in his broadened shoulders flexing. “I don’t know… it just felt right.” He puts his hands in his pockets and looks off to the side, avoiding eye contact with Benrey. “I just felt like, uh, giving you something…” 

Benrey looks down at the wolf. It’s very big, and he can tell there was a struggle for Gordon to get it down. It must have been a strong one.

“I accept it,” Benrey says.

Gordon looks straight at Benrey. “You do?” He says with giddy hope in his eyes.

Benrey, of course, is familiar with the instincts Gordon is feeling right now. Offering food is a mating ritual for suitors in Benrey’s species. To accept this meal from Gordon is to enter into a committed relationship.

“I do,” Benrey says, crouching down to examine the wolf. He feels that Gordon knows the significance too, even if he doesn’t know how.

Benrey has never been good with words and it’s caused a lot of problems in their friendship in the past. It means a lot to him that he and Gordon are finally speaking the same language. Gordon sits on the ground with him, somewhat leaning into his space. Benrey feels more at home by Gordon’s side than he ever has.

\--

One day when bathing in the river Gordon notices a ridge of red bumpy spines running down Tommy’s back in a line from the base of his skull to beneath the waterline. 

“Yo, Tommy! You have some sweet ridges running down your back, man!” he points out.

“W-what? Really?” Tommy reaches back and prods them with his fingers. “Huh! Those-- those must be new! They feel-- they feel pretty cool!”

“Yeah man they are super cool! They’re all red and hard, honestly I’m kinda curious if they’re attached to your spine..?” He contemplates aloud. “They look super rad, dude.”

Tommy smiles brightly back at Gordon. ::Thank you! Your arms are looking good too!:: He says, referring both to the new bulk that has developed on Gordon’s upper body and the rough patches of red that have formed in his skin to match the flesh around his eyes. 

“Haha, thanks man,” Gordon says as he lathers soap on his upper body. “Not gonna lie, I’m really liking the change.”

::Mhm! I’ll bet Benrey thinks so too~:: Tommy winks back with a smirk.

\--

One ordinary day, the crew is hanging out around the house. Coomer is sewing something, Bubby is napping on the couch, Benrey is doing a headstand while chattering about who knows what, and Gordon is reading. It’s been a quiet day.

Tommy is strolling into the living room from wherever he had been when he suddenly cries out in pain and falls to the floor, clutching his abdomen. Everyone’s attention moves to him.

Tommy’s wailing evolves into screaming his throat raw as he aimlessly grabs at his hips and legs, writhing on the floor with his eyes firmly squeezed shut.

He curls in on himself with a series of loud cracks and pops, holding his legs to his chest. He babbles something incoherent -- something about his legs, something like a plea for help.

Coomer rushes to crouch next to him. “Hey, hey, hey now Tommy,” he says, trying to get his attention. Tommy gasps heavily for air and shows no acknowledgement of Coomer’s presence. “It’s okay Tommy, it’s going to pass, okay?” He looks Tommy in the face. “This is another mutation, Tommy. It’s going to stop soon and then we can see what you got!” Coomer clasps one of Tommy’s hands in two of his own. “It’ll be over in no time, okay?” Tommy nods stiffy, grimacing with his eyes still clenched shut and tears streaming out of them. 

Coomer uses another hand to hold up a finger in front of Tommy’s face. “Tommy I need you to open your eyes and focus on my finger. Can you do that?” He wants to take his attention off of the pain.

Tommy nods and forces his eyes open. He focuses on Coomer’s hand before immediately recoiling in pain. He arches his back as a current of pain wracks his body and he cries out in anguish. 

The moment passes with heavy gasping and Tommy once again locks his eyes on Coomer’s hand.

Tommy grits his teeth but keeps his focus on Coomer as his hips visibly shift and realign themselves, rotating and locking in place so that his legs are no longer settled directly below his spine, but rather sit in front of his body and angle outwards. It’s a mesmerizing and unsettling sight for those watching.

Tommy grinds his teeth as tears stream out of his eyes. He squeezes them shut again as bones move and grow. Coomer gently shakes the hand of Tommy’s he’s holding.

“Tommy, I want you to count my fingers. How many am I holding up?” He holds up two fingers.

::Two,:: Tommy answers wordlessly, his pain even seeping into the projection.

“Very good!” Coomer now holds up six fingers, bringing another hand into play as well. “Now how many?”

Tommy takes a moment to count through the pain, eventually answering ::six..::

“Excellent work Tommy! You’re doing wonderfully! It’s almost over! Now,” Coomer says, “I want you to memorize this sequence. Ready?”

Coomer shows Tommy two fingers, followed by four fingers, changes to five fingers, and then one finger in a sequence. 

“Tell me how many fingers and in what order you saw, please. Can you do that for me?” This kind of stimulation is just what Tommy needs to keep his mind off the pain.

Tommy grunts through clenched teeth and with a pinched brow answers, ::two, four, five, one::

“Good! We’re gonna keep doing that until it’s over. I’m going to keep your mind on me.” He continues to show Tommy a long stream of numbers, effectively keeping his attention occupied solely on his hands.

From the back half of Tommy’s new hip structure two new leg buds sprout. Tommy raises his lower back from the floor to make room. They are pink and soft nubs, eventually growing in girth and length until they’re long and conical. These new legs are red and hard, just like the new flesh the other members of the science team have been developing. They’re edged with long ridges of spines matching the ones he has on his back. The feet are rough and pointy, stubby with two flexible nubs on both ends that function like toes. Overall, the new legs resemble a crab’s.

Tommy’s breathing evens out as the new growth process slows. Coomer stops the slow procession of numbers on his hands, which Tommy had more or less kept his attention on through the ordeal. Tommy catches his breath and Coomer sits with him a moment before Tommy’s original legs begin to change too.

Quickly, before Tommy can react to the new pain, Coomer grabs his attention back. “Tommy, can you recall that sequence I showed you now?”

Tommy nods, gulps, and begins to recite the numbers telepathically through the now burning pain throughout and surrounding his legs. The skin hardens to bone and changes color to match the pair he’d just grown and the bones within dissolve into nothing. His joints pop and shift, changing form entirely. Tommy falters in his recitation, stopping to grind his teeth and grunt in pain, but ultimately returns his mind to Coomer’s request. Coomer’s attention is trained firmly on Tommy’s face.

Finally, Tommy’s feet shrink into nubs matching the other two and the process seems to have stopped.

Tommy rests on the floor waiting for his breathing to slow, staring unwaveringly at the ceiling. He lays in an awkward position, his back legs raising his hips and lumbar off of the floor so that his upper body rests at an uncomfortable angle. His front legs hang awkwardly in the air, lacking the flexibility to lay flat on the floor.

“Let me know when you’re ready to get up Tommy,” Coomer says comfortingly.

A beat passes. ::I am now,:: Tommy answers. 

Coomer and Gordon each grab Tommy by an arm to help him sit up. It’s hard for him to get leverage to raise himself off the floor with the extra girth in his hips. They manage to help him upright, and his new pointy feet scramble for placement on the smooth floor. He gets footing while Gordon and Coomer hold him stable with care. They don’t even look at Tommy’s new legs. 

Tommy relaxes and settles onto his new legs, his body weight evenly distributed in the center. He lightly bounces on his new legs, feeling how effortlessly they hold him up. He notes that standing on the new legs feels more like sitting in a chair than actually standing. 

He tries to take a step forward, but needs a second to figure out his new knees. They seem to be able to bend in all directions, so learning how to step  _ forward _ has become an issue.

Tommy takes one step and finds himself in a unique position where he doesn’t know which foot to raise next without losing his balance and skidding into a four-way split on the floor. It takes him a wobbly minute to test his new center of gravity and figure out how to make his legs move him forward instead of collapsing on him.

Learning how to run again will be quite the test.

“It’s-- It’s kind of like walking forwards and backwards at the same time,” he comments to the others. 

“Interesting! Is it difficult?”

“It’s actually kind of comfortable,” Tommy answers. “Standing is easier n-n-now, and, i-it’s kind of like a ch-- like a chair!” Tommy does a little shuffle forward and back, scuttling on the floor like a spider now that he has the hang of it. “I could-- could really get used to this!” He grins down at the others, minutely acknowledging the few inches he’s gained on them.

“How do you think you’ll sleep,” Bubby asks.

This warrants a pause from Tommy and the others. They imagine it’d be uncomfortable. Gordon finds himself wondering if he’ll have to start sleeping standing up.

Tommy frowns to think about it. Coomer, noticing this, claps him on the shoulder effectively jarring him from his thought process. “There’s no need to worry about that now, Tommy! We can cross that bridge when we get there!” Tommy grins at him. “Let’s go test out your new legs, shall we?”

Emboldened by the encouragement, Tommy nods eagerly at Coomer’s suggestion. They head outside to watch as Tommy tests the waters of what he can do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The snow is calling me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my random insertion of Sunkist as a plot device is cheap but hey I needed it!  
> Enjoy this very long chapter!

Gordon stands in the stream shampooing his hair like he has hundreds of times before. He deftly massages his fingers through his long auburn hair, avoiding bumping his sensitive antennae with practiced ease. He learned the hard way that bumping his antennae hurts. With the sensitive hearing he has all the time now along with that sense of smell he’s been waiting for ever since his first hunting trip with Tommy, bumping his antennae even a little bit feels like the world collapsing on him.

He rinses the shampoo out, running the black-tipped fingers of his large, rough, and red hands through his hair. 

Drying off and dressing, he heads back to the cabin to do who knows what for the rest of the day. The sun will set soon -- earlier and earlier as another winter approaches -- and he has no plans for the rest of the day now that dinner is over. 

He stomps through the woods, not bothering to be silent as he shoulders his girth through the trees. It’s a very serene night, with bugs peacefully milling about. In the distance he hears the ear-grating sound of Bubby practicing his sonic blasts with Coomer and Tommy. They seem to be having fun, judging by the distant shouts his antennae pick up, but all Gordon wants to do is get home and relax with Benrey.

He finally makes it to the cabin door after his leisurely stroll through the woods. It’s unsuspecting and tranquil, the golden flickering glow of the light from inside seeping through the edges in the dusk. Gordon notes that they still need to fill those gaps again for the winter.

He steps up to the doorway, stomping some of the mud off his shoes before opening the surprisingly silent door into the welcoming warmth of his house. Gordon kicks off his boots. He sighs a breath letting out all the tension from the day. A few lanterns are lit around the room, coating the room in a golden flickering glow. Benrey reclines sideways on the couch, fiddling with whatever he’s found laying around. The glow from the lanterns illuminates his face in a way that makes Benrey look absolutely ethereal.

“Hey, Ben,” Gordon says softly as he makes his way to the couch. “What’re you up to?” Gordon slowly eases himself onto the well-worn furniture.

“Nothin’,” Benrey answers, before maneuvering himself over to lean into Gordon’s lap. Gordon sits so he’s leaning against the arm of the couch, his legs mostly up on the furniture. Benrey wiggles his way into Gordon’s lap, pushing under his rigid arms like a cat that wants to be held. Gordon chuckles softly in Benrey’s ear, the sound of his voice adding a warm flavor to the homey atmosphere. 

Despite his dangerous exterior, Gordon holds Benrey tenderly. Benrey gets comfortable. The sharp and firm plates lining Gordon’s chest and arms do nothing to him compared to the comfort of being with Gordon. 

“This is nice,” Gordon says after a moment of holding Benrey.

“Oh yeah? Gay,” Benrey answers.

Gordon chuckles again. Softly, he teases, “You’ll ruin it!”

“Will I though?” Benrey answers cheekily. A pause. “...Wanna see me color match some Sweet Voice to the room?”

“Sure, buddy.”

Benrey hums a few glowing orbs in the exact orangish color as the glow from their lanterns. It’s kind of amazing, the accuracy.

Gordon rests his chin on Benrey’s shoulder from behind him. “What’s that one mean?” he asks.

“Mm,” Benrey answers, “somethin’ good.”

“But you’re not gonna tell me what it is?”

“Don’t have to,” is all Benrey says in response. He’s right. Gordon already knows exactly how Benrey is feeling. They sit still for a moment, Gordon’s arms wrapped around him, his hands clasped around Benrey’s, idly rubbing the backs of his hands with the softest part of his fingers. Gordon stares into the orbs as they gradually melt away, letting himself feel the quiet of the evening and the safety of home.

Gordon thinks for a moment before asking a question. “...What’s the rhyme supposed to be for that? It’s orange.”

“Uh. It’s chrome. Chrome means home.” Benrey answers firmly. “Duh.”

Gordon laughs incredulously. “No the fuck it is not! Ben-- that’s  _ orange _ . That is not  _ chrome _ .”

“It is,” he answers simply, trying not to laugh.

Gordon sputters to dispute the nonsense. “Wh-- no! It’s-- chrome is fucking  _ grey _ , Benrey! This is orange!” Benrey turns to face him while Gordon’s laughing and finds himself accidentally transfixed by his big toothy grin. He blushes at their proximity.

Benrey fights to maintain his poker face. “It’s chrome. It means home. I don’t know what you want, man. Are you saying that my Sweet Voice doesn’t mean  _ home _ ? Since it’s not  _ chrome _ ?” Benrey accuses.

“I--  _ no _ . I’m just saying I know what chrome is and it’s like a silver thing. And this is orange.”

“Chrome is a shade of orange.”

“No?? No it’s not!”

“I don’t know what to tell you, man. Chrome means home and it’s orange, at least where I come from,” Benrey teases.

“...I can’t decide if I want to believe you,” Gordon concedes. “But I’m gonna ask Tommy about it later.”

“Uh huh. Go for it. He’ll say it's chrome.” 

The two of them sit in silence after that. They calm down, and Gordon buries his face back into Benrey’s shoulder.

After a languid moment, Gordon asks another question. “Do you think we’ll live out here forever?” His tired voice rumbles softly into Benrey’s back. It’s a heavy question, but Gordon asks it softly, calmly, like he wouldn’t mind if they did stay forever. It’s a big change from how he felt when they moved in ages ago.

Benrey takes a moment to think, averting his gaze from the home-colored Sweet Voice to contemplate the serious question.

“I dunno. We’d be able to…”

“I know, but it just seems, like, hard to believe.” Gordon speaks slowly and deeply. “I guess when we first moved in it felt like it would be temporary, and then the first year went by really fast. I dunno,” Gordon shrugs minutely, “Time has gone so fast, and I love it here, but it still feels like eventually we’re gonna go back.” Gordon frowns at his train of thought. Thoughts of change like this always stress him out -- the idea of going back to the old way of life scares him. He doesn’t feel like he’ll ever be ready to give up what he’s found here. But at the same time, facing the permanence of staying forever scares him too. ‘The rest of his life’ is too vast to think about.

Benrey hums in agreement. “Some forevers are longer than other forevers,” he says, sagely.

Gordon chuckles and buries his face in Benrey’s neck, making Benrey tingle with sensitivity. His laughter vibrates his neck as his warm breath brushes his skin. “Are you trying to quote that kids book? It’s some  _ infinities _ are larger than other infinities,” he asks mirthfully into his neck.

“Wha--  _ no _ ,” Benrey answers with mock scorn. “First of all, it’s not kids. It’s a Young Adult Novel,” he says, emphasizing the words. “And second, no it’s not. I would know what it says, I wrote it.”

“Did you now?” Benrey can hear the smile in Gordon’s voice.

“I did. I still remember it. I could read it to you right now, from my  _ brain _ , if you wanted me to,” Benrey retorts. 

“Okay. Let’s say I do want you to.”

“Okay, uh,” -- Benrey falters to think of something -- “I fell asleep like you fall in love.” He fumbles. “U-uh I mean. I fell in love the way you fall asleep. With Mr. Gordon.” 

Gordon laughs from deep in his belly. “Dude!” He gets out between laughs, unfortunately having to push Benrey away to catch his breath. “First of all, it’s  _ doctor _ . I didn’t waste eight years of my life to be called Mister. And I didn’t know you’d actually  _ read _ the damn thing!”

Benrey looks at him, confused and incredulous. “W-uh, duh! It’s only, like, the best book. You would know if you were literate.” Benrey says back down onto Gordon’s broad and firm chest when he settles back down. “Look at you, you’re so illiyerate,” Benrey teases him, referencing a typo Gordon made back when they had phones. 

“Haha, maybe I am,” Gordon concedes. As a final touch, though, Gordon calls him a “moronsexual” in an attempt to have the last word. It was met, of course, with a stream of piss-yellow Sweet Voice meant to -- and successfully -- reminding Gordon of yet another one of Gordon's embarrassments. Benrey wins once again, and the two of them eventually fall asleep in each others’ arms. 

\--

_ A year later _

It’s true that over the last two years the team has gotten a little careless with the whole ‘no human contact’ rule, as they’ve been making good use of the U.S. Postal System. 

The system they’ve devised is as such:

Back when they’d had electricity, Tommy used a wireless charger for his phone. It just so happens that Sunkist is hella smart and can also teleport. What better job for Sunkist than to make runs between the cabin and Gman’s house to charge Tommy’s phone for him? And what better use for that phone than to order things online?

The team isn’t  _ that _ far from civilization, after all, and they  _ do _ have a mailbox. Using a phone plan under Gman’s name for mobile data turned out to not be much of a stretch. Not to mention they have plenty of money. Hell, the five of them are probably set for life with the hush money from Black Mesa, especially since they don’t need to save any of it for necessities or bills, except of course for the phone plan.

This isn’t to say getting all this set up wasn’t a struggle. It took a lot of time for everyone to get comfortable with the system enough to use it. Engaging with human society? That’s pretty risky! They had a lot of close calls but in the time since they’ve all gotten pretty comfortable, if not careless, about sending Sunkist back and forth through space and giving Amazon and a handful of other delivery services their address. In the year they’ve been using the system they’ve not had any issues, so it’s probably safe to say they’ll be fine as long as none of them are actually spotted by another person. 

In fact, when they first devised the system they set a firm rule: under no circumstances are any of them to leave their home. Even to follow Sunkist back, even if they stay indoors. The group agreed that even if it  _ technically _ might be okay, no one actually wants to break the immersion in their lifestyle. They agree that if one of them were to go back, even for a minute, it would only serve to make them feel dissatisfied with their life in the cabin. Going back permanently is out of the question, so dissatisfaction is the thing to avoid.

It’s in this way that they buy things online and most of the time the mail boy just leaves it in the creepy little mailbox by the side of the road, and Sunkist walks out there to carry it in. On the occasion when one of them might have to sign for it, though, they would send Benrey as the human-looking one.

\--

Felix’s curiosity is getting the better of him. He’s always the one delivering mail to this dinky little mail box on the side of the road to the mountains and he wants to know what the fuck is up with these people, dammit! Who lives back there? Why? They’re the only house for miles!

One day he decides to hang around. He doesn’t care if he’s late getting back, and besides, this is much more interesting. The young man taps the button on his handheld to indicate the package delivered, so the recipients should receive a notification that it’s here. It’s only a matter of time before they’ll be out to grab it and he can finally see the fucker who lives in the middle of the woods. 

Some time later Felix hears rustling coming from the trees on the other side of the road. He looks up, eager and excited, only to see a big ass golden retriever retrieving the package for the pussy motherfucker who bought it. God FUCKING dammit. Felix hates these people already. Frustrated, Felix heaves his ass back into his truck and heads back to town. What a waste of time.

\--

Getting ballsy, Felix decides to snoop around the property. He knows he  _ shouldn’t _ , that it’s unethical for a letter carrier, but fuck the rules, right? He’s hardly a letter carrier anyway. He just comes out to this  _ one fucking house _ occasionally when they buy something and that’s it. So who cares if he loses his job? That’s a six hour round trip he’ll never have to make again. Yet another reason to hate the motherfucker who lives here: making him drive so far away.

Felix creeps through the woods in the direction he saw the dog go last time, heading in a straight line  _ assuming _ that’s what the dog did. Not before long Felix comes across a clearing with an admittedly cute log cabin sitting in the middle. 

There’s a fire pit nearby, well used and surrounded by weird dark patches. Wanting a closer look, Felix darts through the trees, trying to stay quiet, to get a closer look. There are dark brown stains in the grass in a few spots, with the grass weirdly clumped together with what looks like blood. It’s honestly kind of disgusting, whatever it is. There’s a cauldron set up over the fire pit itself, and some large logs haphazardly strewn around the fire for sitting. The scene honestly reminds him of some shit witches are supposed to do -- like a cauldron for potions. Felix would laugh if he weren’t so confused by the goopy chunks in the grass.

From his new position Felix is able to see the clothesline set-up. There are some clothes hanging to dry on it right now, actually. He-- what, are there  _ four _ arm holes in that shirt? Felix squints at the shirt in question, feeling strictly on edge and probably overthinking it because there was something gross (and smelly!) on the ground. But now that he’s looking, there are actually multiple really large shirts which have four arm holes. Before he probably would have thought the guy living here was just a little wacky but now he just wants to get out of there.

The boy turns to leave, trying to be quiet and also trying his best to find the right way back. He’s not here to get lost. But now that Felix’s imagination is in overdrive, he’s noticing a lot more about the trees themselves on the way out than he had on the way in. There are deep gashes in the wood of some of the trees, too long and thin to have been made by an axe (who would chop at a tree and not cut it all the way down?) but too high up and too deep to have been caused by an animal. Felix doesn’t know what to make of it, and even though it’s  _ probably _ normal he just can’t get it out of his head,  _ what if it’s not? _

He walks faster towards the edge of the forest, noticing more and more damage to the trees than he had noticed on his way in than before. There are like, three trees in a row completely blown down, their roots completely exposed. 

It takes far too long for Felix to get out of there. He gets in the car -- not before depositing the homeowner’s parcel in their mailbox -- and books it out of there. 

\--

Some days later Felix’s mind has cleared from the irrational fear he’d felt while snooping at the cabin. He and his friends reason that he was probably on edge because of his guilty conscience. 

The weirdo in the cabin has become a sort of meme for Felix and his buddies, with them jokingly theorizing that there must be a werewolf, or a cannibal, or some witches. It’s all fun and games for Felix until one of his friends starts acting a little too serious about going up there and checking it out. They want to maybe cause a little mayhem or play a few pranks, all in good fun.

Felix isn’t totally sure he wants to, but against his better judgement he caves to the peer pressure and one day finds himself driving his three friends up to the creaky old mailbox on the side of the road.

They park the truck off the side of the mountain road. They grab their packs, containing firecrackers, flares, flashlights, toilet paper, knives, spray paint, and pudding, and start the hike up to the house. 

\--

Gordon and Coomer are busy chopping wood to build an add-on to their house for Tommy when Gordon’s antennae pick up on the sounds of laughter far away. He motions to Coomer to be quiet, who then freezes and looks at Gordon with confusion and concern before he hears it too. The boyish chuckling grows louder as they approach the territory.

“Signal the others,” Gordon urgently whispers to Coomer, despite the boys probably being too far away to hear him. Coomer nods and hustles off through the trees, sometimes opting to swing on some of the lower branches with one of his four arms in a spider-like dance.

A minute later, after the voices have gotten closer to the territory, Gordon hears the tell-tale chirp of Coomer’s surprisingly natural-sounding call. It’s a warning call that the group already decided would signal strangers approaching, and everyone agrees that Coomer is the best at mimicking the wildlife.

Not knowing what else to do, Gordon follows the voices until he can see them. They haven’t gotten to the house yet, but he’s afraid because once they do, their cover will be blown. 

“ _ Aw, shit,” _ Gordon mutters to himself, remembering that they haven’t been cleaning up after their meals like they should be. The grass is a  _ mess. _

Gordon sees the group of four boys, hears them making fun of something --  _ them? _ There’s talk of vandalism as well, which sparks a territorial urge in Gordon that doesn’t feel quite like his own. He doesn’t know what he should do. He feels confused, stressed, and anxious, but he also feels a compulsion to attack them.

Does he really want to attack these guys? They’re like 20 -- and yet, he really does feel like he needs to.

Gordon manages to hold back the urge to defend his territory -- _ and his mate--  _ as he knows it’s far more important that he remain unseen. He’s  _ way _ too big by now to be explainable by human standards. 

Gordon ends up following them all the way up to the clearing, but he lingers behind the tree line as he helplessly watches them walk up to the front door. He doesn’t see any of the others anywhere -- the hell did Coomer go? -- but to his immense relief Gordon sees that it’s Benrey who answers the door. Of anyone to be seen, it’s best that it’s Benrey.

Despite his relief at their cover not being blown yet, Gordon’s urge to  _ attack claim dominate defend _ has only gotten stronger. He has to keep reminding himself how good it is for only Benrey to be seen because otherwise he might just blow their cover himself.

\--

Felix and his friends walk through the woods for a bit, having a good time, until they come upon the clearing Felix told them would be there. When the others see it for the first time they laugh. It’s laughable! Someone’s been living out here off of  _ nothing _ for no reason. Look at his silly little witch cauldron! Bet he makes potions in there! 

The boys walk up to the door holding back snickers. They urge each other to grow a pair and knock, playing chicken to see who’s brave enough to knock on the big bad werewolf’s big scary door. 

One baby-faced guy finally shoves his buddy aside with a “fuck outta here!” and knocks on the door with more force than was probably necessary. 

The boys wait in bated silence with the occasional snicker until an unsuspecting-looking man with an annoyingly bored expression answers the door.

Not having planned ahead this far, the baby-faced boy freezes. There’s a beat of silence as the short guy who answered the door stares at him expectantly. 

The boy stutters. “Uh-- cannibal say what?” he spits out.

“What?” Benrey answers in his characteristically low drone.

One of the boys snorts and suddenly the four of them break out into haughty mocking laughter. Benrey quirks a brow and stares at them, only sparing a second to glance above their heads behind them.

The boys freeze in fear when they hear a new voice behind them. 

“You’re not supposed to be here,” it says. The voice is level but laden with tension and anger.

The boys turn and find themselves staring up at the glowing orange eyes of an absolute behemoth of a man. His shoulders are as wide as three of the boys put together and his flesh is riddled with lumpy, red tissue. He’s squinting at them as if to dare them to continue.

The boys jump and one of them sprints back the way they came almost immediately. The others are quick to follow.

“Nope! No you don’t” Gordon says as he reaches a massive claw to snatch up the nearest one, just barely grazing his shirt. The boy -- a mousy-haired blond -- stares wide eyed at the arm that almost caught him as he sprints for his life, realizing how close he just came to getting mauled by this guy’s one hand.

The boy runs for his life after his friends, heading deep into the woods. His breath heaves with every breath and he doesn’t know where they’re going, but he knows they can’t stop. He risks a glance back to see the beast chasing uncomfortably close behind them, hunting him down with a predatory look in his eye as he occasionally switches to sprinting on all fours.

The guy also catches sight of something else running alongside them some distance into the trees. It’s tall and red and  _ fast _ \-- and it’s gaining on them. It’s galloping beside them and soon it overtakes them. 

In his distracted moment staring at the galloping man, the beast wraps his arms around him and hoists him off the ground. All he can do is kick and flail and scream as the beast lets out a deep growl that he can feel rippling through the hard-as-nails chest he finds himself pinned to. 

His legs swing limply in the air as the beast skids to a stop. He screams with all his might to his friends --  _ run! Get away! Get out! _ \-- because in his frantic panic he knows his own fate is sealed. All he can do now is scream and pray it can somehow save his friends.

The world is speeding by too fast, everything is happening all at once. He sees bodies and bodies in a blur until time freezes with an earth-shattering blast. 

It sends his friends sprawling to the ground, disoriented and helpless. The boy in the beast’s arms screams in terror as he knows it’s too late for them. The four-legged beast he saw earlier trots out of the to the left, tall and majestic like a carnivorous steed. He can’t believe his eyes. The steed has four red legs like a crabs, but his top half is that of a naked man’s, with menacing spines trailing down its back. 

The beast shifts his grip on him, and the blond finds the spines on his arms are painfully digging into his body, making it even harder to breathe.

The crab man trots over to one of the blond’s buddies on the ground, Shane, who can do nothing but lay there and look up at him in fear and awe. 

It peers down at Shane with a head tilt and an expression of pity on its beaked face. It then steps over him, his legs like a cage surrounding Shane. It then reaches down and -- to the blond’s terror -- lifts him up from his armpits as he kicks and cries to be let go.

The crab man then quietly and calmly trots off with him, not unlike how someone would tidy their bedroom. The blond sobs for him, fearing he may never see him again.

He looks away from the scene with Shane just in time to see a buff and balding man with four arms whip Felix and Greg both from the forest floor. He hoists them up and hugs them tight to his body, dedicating two arms to each of them. 

The beast holding him takes a step towards the four-armed man as a tall, thin man with a dark orb sticking out of his forehead steps into his line of sight as well.

“So what are we gonna do about these guys? They’ve seen us.” He asks the others as if the boys weren’t there at all. 

Felix and Greg thrash around their captor’s arms as hard as they can, grunting with the effort. 

“You’re not gonna fucking touch us!” Felix screams. “The fuck did you take our friend?”

The skinny one treats this as a minor inconvenience. He rolls his eyes before staring Felix in the face. “Shut the fuck up,” he tells him simply, before giving his attention back to the other. “Well?”

“Eat them!” is his answer.

He sighs. “Fine,” says the skinny one, begrudgingly. Greg starts sobbing from beside Felix, who only stares at the guy with fear. 

The blond himself feels like he’s watching it all from outside his body as the beast carrying him’s voice rumbles through his body. “We ought to get back,” he says. “And find Tommy.”

“Agreed!” the four-armed one says, a little too chipper for a living nightmare.

\--

As the group approaches their cabin, Tommy emerges from the trees empty handed but with blood on his beak.

Noticing this, Bubby raises his brows and asks, “Ah shit, are we actually eating them?” He looks to Coomer. “I thought you were joking, Harold!”

“I was!” Coomer exclaims. They both look at Tommy incredulously. He doesn’t notice.

The science team makes it back to the cabin with the boys in tow to find Benrey waiting outside with a load of rope, which they use to tie the three remaining trespassers up. Naturally, they demand to know where their friend is and admittedly the others are curious too. They all look at Tommy, who looks cornered.

::I brought him back to their truck, and told him to not pay attention,:: he projects into just his friends’ heads. Out loud he says, “I--I put him where we put all the others! I thought that was what I was supposed to do?”

The boys of course have no idea what this means, and that scares them. What does he mean by ‘the others?’ The beasts are nodding in understanding, which only serves to scare them more. 

The science team and Benrey openly discuss what to do with them, debating between killing them (not preferable), keeping them (not as bad), or setting them free and hope they don’t tell anyone about them (risky but humane).

The science team of course can’t resist putting on a show for the trespassers. If they’re foolish enough to explore strange land then they should at least learn their lesson, right? So they pretend to humor the killing option more than they actually are.

Ultimately, they do decide to set them free. The condition is that they can never tell anyone about them, and if they do and anyone else comes to their property, they’ll probably have to kill them for their own safety. They also  _ kindly request _ that Felix still deliver their mail. They would prefer someone who knows them to do it than have someone new.

“And who knows,” Coomer smiles at the boys, “Maybe we can be friends!” The boys would rather have nothing to do with them, and Felix just nods.

The three boys are escorted to their truck by Benrey and Gordon. The walk is quiet and tense, the sounds of crickets and evening bugs surrounding them in the woods. 

They have some awkward conversation now that Gordon is back to his senses. He doesn’t feel territorial anymore, and he’s less angry. He and Benrey share their names and apologize for the way they reacted, although logically they know there’s no real way to apologize for chasing and almost scaring 20-somethings to death. They are incredibly relieved when they find their friend waiting for them, shaken up but otherwise okay.

From then on, whenever Felix delivers mail, he views that innocuous mailbox as a symbol of the threat that lies just beyond the trees. 

When the day comes when Benrey has to come out to sign for a package, Felix finds himself wondering how such an average guy can live with those people. It’s hard for him to wrap his head around it, until he manifests a pen out of thin air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm I'm not totally happy with how this one came out! It kinda makes me cringe to be honest.
> 
> Did I tone this chapter down a lot from the original idea to make it more palatable to general audiences? Yes I did.  
> Do I regret doing that? Maybe a little.
> 
> If someone wants me to do a rewrite in which I keep with the original concept I might do it and post as a oneshot, otherwise I'm not planning on it.
> 
> In other news, I've finished writing act 2 and just have to do a loooot of revision (there are so many big pacing issues that could ruin the most important scene in the story). I'll be able to get act 2 out in time but it's not very long and leaves a lot of uncertainty around a potential mini-hiatus before act 3...


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of Act 1!

Gordon and Coomer eventually finish that add-on for Tommy. He squeals in delight when they show it to him. Gordon and Coomer watch with fondness as Tommy hops around like a deer, crying and flapping his arms. 

He envelopes them in a strong hug when he calms down enough. Gordon and Coomer laugh together and hug him back.

::Thank you guys so much!:: He says, his face buried in Gordon’s shoulder.

They stay like that for a long minute, happy to let Tommy hug them for as long as he needs. This is Tommy’s family too. They love him, and it wouldn’t be the same if he was unhappy.   
  


The whole five of them spend that evening sprawled out together in Tommy’s new room, watching a romcom on Tommy’s laptop they had Sunkist retrieve for the special occasion. Tommy sits reclined in the middle, leaning against the foot of his bed with his legs splayed in front of him however they may go. Gordon leans on him on his left, idly scratching at the rough texture on one of Tommy’s legs while his attention is on the screen. Coomer sits on his right, with one of Tommy’s other legs sprawled in his lap while Coomer’s two left arms are wrapped around Tommy, one behind his back and one on his shoulders. There is no personal space between the five of them as they quietly laugh at the movie.

\--

One day, Gordon realizes that he’s fallen in love with Benrey. He feels it every time he sees Benrey, every time he hears his voice. Every one of his quirks, all of his cheesy jokes, the way he teases him, everything makes Gordon’s chest warm and fuzzy. He loves everything he does. 

Gordon’s not surprised in the slightest to realize it. He’s honestly surprised he hadn’t jumped to the conclusion sooner. In fact, it’s more of a relief than a surprise. Once the words come to him -- That he  _ loves _ Benrey, that it’s Benrey for him -- Gordon all but drops what he’s doing as warm relief floods him. He loves Benrey, and it’s a beautiful feeling. It’s home-colored, a warm glowing chrome orange like the flickering of their lanterns late at night. Love is purple in the way the sky is blue, too: soft and deep and all encompassing, beautiful and fast but elusive if you look too far into it. It digs into the depths of your heart and fills it, satisfying you in your soul but leaving you pining for more. 

Gordon had felt like he’d been holding something in, and now that he’s realized that he loves Benrey it’s like a weight lifted from his chest. 

\--

Gordon walks up to Benrey and stands there awkwardly a few feet away, rubbing his arm.

Benrey furrows his brow and stares at him from the side of his eye. He raises his eyebrows at him.

“Do you want something?” He turns to face him.

Gordon says “Uhm,” and steps forward stiffly. He reaches down to cup Benrey’s chin with one hand and just stands like that, staring pointedly off to the side. Benrey crosses his eyes to see what he’s doing, then looks back up at him with a brow raised, confused and hopeful and trying to play it off all at once.

“You gonna do something?” he asks his awkward friend.

Gordon parts his lips and moves forward, but stops midair when he realizes how weird it is and pulls back. He looks Benrey straight in the eyes and hesitates, processing his arguably unamused expression, before leaning down and dragging his tongue up the side of Benrey’s face in a long, damp lick. He pulls back, eyes darting around the room, not really knowing how to act natural about licking his boyfriend.

Benrey’s cheeks burn as he gapes at Gordon for a moment, the significance of the action making him blush.

“Uh-- what’s that for?” he asks, feigning ignorance. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Uh, well?” Gordon fidgets with his hands. “I don’t know.” He swallows thickly, looking off to the side. “I just felt like I should. BecauseILoveYou.” He hadn’t planned to do any of this. He doesn’t look at Benrey. 

Benrey lets a small smile creep up on him. Then he leans forward, reaching up to Gordon’s face and licks him back. Gordon gapes, wide-eyed, as Benrey traces a long line along his jaw and up around the bumpy skin on his eye with his tongue.

Returning that gesture meant far more to Gordon’s new instincts than any words ever could.

Benrey reaches up to stroke Gordon’s antennae, scritching his scalp around the spots where they protrude in a sweet gesture. Gordon leans into the touch, letting his eyes drift closed.

Benrey trails his hand down the back of Gordon’s head to let it rest under his jaw. Gordon opens his eyes to find Benrey looking at him, searching his eyes. Gordon quirks his brows in a silent question and Benrey pulls him in, standing on his tip toes and pulling Gordon down by the shoulder. They kiss, slow and gentle. It’s tentative, as if they’re both still unsure if they’re allowed to. It’s like a brand new experience and it’s over too soon.

When they part there’s only a few inches between them, with Gordon crouching to make up for their over a foot of height difference. They stare deep into each other’s eyes, in awe and comprehending. 

“I love you, too,” Benrey murmurs, and Gordon smiles as he rushes in for another, deeper kiss. 

Benrey chuckles against Gordon’s mouth as Gordon hoists him up (strong! Gordon big, strong! Bulk!), holding him with his arms under his bottom. Benrey cups Gordon’s face with both hands now that he doesn’t have to reach for it, deepening the kiss until he forgets everything else. Their mouths explore each other like a whole new world has opened up to them, gently and lovingly.

When they finally part, Gordon beams up into Benrey’s face. He’s overcome with elation that he gets to spend the rest of his life with Benrey in this simple world they’ve created. He feels so at home with his family these days. He only wishes his son could be there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I like this story for myself, I've been feeling lately like it's really not good enough to be posted publically. Or like maybe it's just not good. I considered just not posting anymore or maybe even deleting it but I'm not going to because I know how any of you or anybody in the future might really like this, and I never like when a good fic ends before it ends, yanno? So I'll keep posing but I won't be proud about it lol.


	10. Act 2, Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I posted chapter 9 yesterday you guys have been so nice in my comments encouraging me to continue and telling me how you feel about my work and it really reignited my drive to keep posting this fic! So here's the first chapter of act 2!! I've been looking forward to this act...

_ 6 years later _

Joshua reads the note from his dad again today.

_ Dearest Joshua, _

_ Hey, kid. It’s your dad. I love you. I love you so much kid, and I hate that I have to write this letter to you. I need to tell you that I have to leave for a very long time. I wish I could take you with me, but I can’t. I wish I could say goodbye to you in person Joshie. I can’t do that either, and I can’t say why. I don’t know that you’ll ever find out why. I know this is going to hurt you Joshie. I want you to know that I would never want you to hurt. There is just no other way.  _

_ I wish I could hug you one last time. I would give anything to hug you again. At the time of writing this, I haven’t seen you in a month. It feels so much like I’m leaving without telling you goodbye. I hope this letter is enough for you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. Whenever you read this, know I still think of you. _

_ I remember when you were growing up how we both loved aliens. You used to find out every little fact you could about space and come tell me all about the aliens that might be out there. I loved every second of it. All your theories. Some of your ideas were better than the ideas of some of my coworkers (don’t tell them I said that…). And that’s saying something because my coworkers were all scientists. You’re a really smart kid Joshie.  _

_ Even though you loved space, you were adamant that you would never be an astronaut. You were afraid of space. Hopefully when you’re older you’ll look back on this and find that you’re not afraid anymore. I’m not saying space isn’t scary. It is. Anything can happen out there. But the one thing I want for you in life is to not let fear hang onto you. Please, keep fighting no matter what’s out there. There’s always going to be something to be afraid of. Don’t let that hold you back. I know fear is holding me back right now. I love you. _

_ Don’t hide, Joshie. Never hide. Fight to live your fullest life if you have to. But also know that the world isn’t evil. Take risks and welcome the consequences! Life is a beautiful ride and I want you to enjoy it. I know I wish I hadn’t taken what I had for granted.  _

_ Even though I have to leave and you won’t hear from me again, I’m not dead. I’m not gone. I’m still going to be out there. Just know that every day I spend away from you is a day I regret. I just can’t see anyone anymore. I’m sorry that has to include you. _

_ In this package I sent, there’s a picture of my family. My parents and my siblings are in that picture, along with me. I’m the younger person on the far right. In the middle is my sister Clementine, and next to her is my brother Jonah. Our parents are Ronald and Veronica Freeman. If you didn’t know, since all you’ve ever called me is dad, my name is Gordon Freeman. I included this photo because I want you to know who the other side of your family is. Just in case you need them.  _

_ I also included my favorite stuffed animal growing up. His name was fudge. I got her (him? I never decided) when I was 5 from my grandparents and I never let her go. I want you to have him now. I want you to know me as more than just a letter and a photograph.  _

_ I’m also going to print another photo along with the letter. This one is more recent. It’s with people from my work. You know, the place where there’s scientists who you’re smarter than. But the men in this photo are very dear to me. From left to right, their names are Bubby, Harold (But we call him Coomer), Tommy, me, and Benrey. I would go so far as to say they’re my family, along with you. They’re people I trust with my life. You and them, Joshie, are my favorite people. You’re the only people I care about. I can only hope for you to meet them someday. Somehow I believe that you will. We can dream that maybe, on that day, I’ll get to see you again too, no matter how different I’ll look. _

_ I love you, Joshua Freeman. You might never see me again and it breaks my heart. I am crying while I write this. I love you so much. Don’t forget about me, but please don’t dwell. I want you to move on and live your life! I want you to be happy. I want the absolute best for you. I want you to have amazing friends and an amazing future. And never forget that I love you. I love you. Stay strong. I love you. _

_ Love, Dad. _

Joshua wipes his eyes as he reads it for probably the thousandth time. It’s been eight years, and he’s sixteen now, but he hasn’t forgotten the day his dad disappeared. Joshua sets time aside specifically for rereading his dad’s letter because he doesn’t want to forget him. He doesn’t want the memory of his dad to fade. He fears if he ever stops hurting, it’ll mean Gordon will never come back. So Joshua dwells on it every day, against his father’s wishes, in the hopes that it’ll bring him back. 

Joshua only knows a few things about his dad, since he was eight when he left. He knew he was a scientist at a place called Black Mesa, but he never knew what he did there. 

He pulls the photo of Gordon’s work friends out of the box he keeps it in. It’s the original box from his dad. This photo is the most information he’s ever gotten about Gordon’s old work, and now he’ll never know anything else. Just that he had friends.

Joshua studies the photo like he has since he got it. He feels like he knows these faces like the back of his hand at this point. He’s prepared to pick them out of a crowd, if it means finding anything about his dad. They feel like family to him, too, even though they’ve never met.

The reassurances that his father isn’t dead, Joshua thinks, must be false hope, but he chooses to believe them anyway. Gordon could have died from something completely unrelated to his disappearance-- Joshua forces himself not to think about it. He thinks about it enough as it is. What if he died just last month, and he’ll never know? What if--

Joshua looks back to the note. His father is telling him that he’s not dead. He should believe him. He trusts him. Joshua finds solace in his father’s loving reassurance as he dissociates. Gordon’s still here. He’s speaking to him -- saying all this -- to him in person. He just can’t  _ look _ at him, and he respects that. Dad’s still here.

No he isn’t. Joshua feels sick again.

Joshua has tried to talk to his mother Maria about it before, to no avail. She always looks stricken when he asks, but claims to know nothing about where he went. She’s infuriatingly dense.

The past eight years have been filled with grief and disappointment. He lives his life in a state of denial just to get through the day, only to return home and have the reality set in again. 

Whenever he imagines a future without his father it drives him into a frenzy. Five years ago he couldn’t imagine being sixteen -- the age he is now -- without Gordon, but now he is. Is it still going to be like this in five more years, when he’s 21? He always thought his dad would be at his twenty first birthday.

Joshua reminds himself near-constantly that Gordon could come back into his life any day now. He could reappear just as quickly as he disappeared, and that hope holds him together. Some days, Joshua thinks he might just return  _ today! _ He waits and waits, he keeps having hope, only to be disappointed at the end of the day. That hope is killing him more than any grief ever could.

Some nights Joshua finds himself desperate to track him down. Like he’ll  _ die _ if he doesn’t have his dad back by morning. 

Joshua goes through periods where he digs and digs for clues into his father’s life, only ever to come to a dead end when he looks for anything about Black Mesa. Still, every time, Joshua thinks things will turn out differently. He thinks, he believes, he  _ knows _ he’ll get somewhere, only to fail in the end. Every time he has to give up is another shot to the chest and he doesn’t know how many more times he can do it before he can’t anymore. 

He thinks his heart feels more like a rock than a muscle at this point, with how many times it’s broken and that one day it’ll stop being a heart at all. Joshua thinks that when that day comes he’ll get to die.

Joshua began to fear his grief was killing him when he started getting chronic chest pains. He knows his only options are either to find his dad or stop caring, but Joshua will never let himself stop caring. He can't imagine it. Imagining a future in which he doesn’t have room for his dad in his heart feels like a sickening betrayal. 

When Joshua first read the letter when he was eight, he didn’t understand it. It’s hard for children to grasp the concept of never seeing someone again. When it was really fresh, he still treated it like waiting for his weekly visit with Gordon. He would keep a list of everything that happened that week to catch his dad up on, only for the weekend to come and go without the chance to share. The longer that list grew, the heavier the weight on Joshua’s chest.

The list is eight years long now, and the first thing on it is a little toy he got from a Happy Meal. He never got to show Gordon his Happy Meal toy. The fact that it even made the list is testament to how little he’d understood.

Joshua understands now. He only lists the big things, like relationships and breakups and getting his drivers license. Despite this, when Joshua transcribed his list digitally, he kept every insignificant detail. He still wants to tell Gordon everything when he sees him again.

Then he remembers that he won’t get the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The way Joshua feels about his dad means a lot to me, so I sure hope I was able to capture those emotions without rambling too much!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this early cuz I realized act 3 is short enough that I can afford to post bits of act 2 early...
> 
> Also warning for use of the R-word. As an autistic person myself, of course I made Joshua autistic too.

Joshua and Maria are at the store grocery shopping for tonight’s dinner. 

Wanting to have a peaceful evening with his mother, Joshua tries to open communication by telling a funny story from his new job. 

“So, uhm--” Joshua starts, uncertain. “I was at work today after close, and I got on the intercom..” --He mimes picking up the phone and dialing the PA extension-- “And I got on there and I said--”

Maria barks a laugh, interrupting. “And you couldn’t find the button cuz you’re so retarded, right?” She laughs at him obnoxiously, a bullying mirth in her eyes. 

Joshua is shocked speechless, not even able to finish his story. She thought  _ that _ was the punchline? Why would anyone make that joke about themselves? It’s obvious that she thought his dialling the PA extension was a reenactment of  _ idiotic fumbling _ on his part.

Whelp, there goes a good evening. Joshua’s pissed at Maria once again. 

A customer had called Joshua the R word a few weeks prior. It was just a funny story at the time, but he regrets telling her about it. Now she calls him the slur as a joke, and he’s autistic.

“No.” Joshua says, pointedly looking away from her. “That’s not it at all. Thank you though,” he says with a huff. He’s giving up on her.

Maria scoffs. “Oh knock it off,” she scolds. “You just hate everything I do. I can never say the right thing to you. So hateful.” 

Joshua steels himself against her insults, reminding himself that there’s nothing he can do for her and someday he’ll be away from her. He fights to ignore her as she continues perusing canned soups. 

\--

In the car driving home, Maria tells Joshua that she hung his keys back up in his room after she borrowed his car. Joshua is pleasantly surprised by this, since usually she leaves them laying around and makes him late to work when he has to find them.

“Oh!” he says, pleasantly. “Thank you! I appreciate that.” Joshua thinks maybe their evening can be saved, if he throws her a bone like appreciating her for doing something she should have been doing in the first place. 

“No problem,” she answers, eyes on the road. “I know that’s where you prefer them.” Joshua smiles at this, glad to hear her being considerate. He opens his mouth to thank her again when she chimes back in with “I know I have to be so careful to keep you from yelling at me.” She says it with a pitiful, wistful tone as if lamenting raising such a bastardous son. She’s accused him before of emotionally abusing her. 

_ Of course she would find a way to victimize herself, _ Joshua thinks.  _ And after she was doing so well _ . Joshua bites his tongue despite being pissed off once again, and reminds himself,  _ again _ , that he can move out someday.

\--

Joshua skips straight to his room after helping his mom carry in groceries. He sets his things down and breathes a sigh of relief. Now he just has to wait for dinner to be ready and he’ll eat alone in his room as usual.

Joshua hates eating “family dinner” with just his mother. 

Maria calls to him from the kitchen, saying dinner’s ready. Joshua begrudgingly gets up to get his food. In the kitchen while he and Maria fix plates, he hears a breaking news broadcast on the TV.

It’s an update about something they had missed during the drive home. Strange creatures are attacking the town. 

“The sightings have increased in quantity,” The newscaster announces, “and eyewitness reports think the creatures may be coming from the direction of the secretive Black Mesa Research Facility. Regardless of their origin, they’ve demonstrated themselves to be quite hostile and it is advised that--”

Joshua hears Black Mesa and bolts to the living room to watch the TV. It’s playing a live helicopter feed of various creatures prowling the streets while civilians are seen below trying to fight them off. 

He stands right in front of the television, glaring intently at the screen trying to pick up all the information he can about Black Mesa. He only barely registers his mother in the background scolding him for his reaction.

Black Mesa has something to do with his dad, he knows it. They’re so secretive-- it has to be the reason Gordon wouldn’t tell him where he went, isn’t it?

This is big. This could be it. This could mean Gordon’s coming back, right? It’s the first time he’s heard about Black Mesa outside of his own research, probably ever. This is so unbearably huge he feels sick to his stomach. 

He always thought Gordon could come back into his life as quickly as he left-- could this be it? Joshua doesn’t dare get his hopes up too high.

The news continues to report on the monsters attacking the area. They’ve made their way all the way from Black Mesa’s facilities and their range is spreading through the city proper, at the edge of which Joshua and Maria live.

Joshua’s focus returns to the actual broadcast as he registers that he should probably be concerned. It doesn’t feel entirely real and he’s still reeling from the connection to his dad, but it’s dawning on him that this is a panic event.

Maria stands next to him looking stricken. They watch from a bird's eye view as creatures attack civilians, seeming to take over their bodies and creating zombies. They’re watching people  _ dying _ . The helicopter feed is rapidly approaching their location. 

“We have to go,” Maria mumbles.

“Wha--” Joshua looks at her quickly.

“Come on!” she grabs his arm, “we have to go!  _ Now _ !” She shouts, suddenly much louder. She nearly drags him out to the car while he frantically asks “what? Where are we going??”

They get in the car and she starts it. “To the fucking safehouse!”

“Wh-- But it’s in the middle of town! The fu--”

Maria glares at him. “Do you think I don’t know that?” she asks angrily. “But we’re sitting ducks in our fucking  _ PLASTIC APARTMENT _ !! At least there someone can fight for us.” She floors the gas, maneuvering through traffic until they can’t anymore and are left with no choice but to ditch the vehicle.

They try to get out of the car without attracting anything’s attention. They’re not too far from the safehouse now. So far, so good. They just have to sneak through the chaos of zombies breaking into people’s homes and civilian gunfire surrounding them.

They make it through the maze of clogged traffic on foot, avoiding both getting mauled and shot. Some things are even on fire. Maria’s heart is pounding in her chest because it all reminds her so much of the time she had to save Gordon from these things. The memory sends a pang of guilt through her. She wishes she could save him again. Bring him back.

They make it to the safe house with a few close calls. Pounding on the reinforced door to be let in, the guard opens a sliding panel to look at them. Seeing that they’re human and headcrab-free, he lets them in. 

They catch their breath and look around the room at all the huddling families seeking refuge from this seemingly unprecedented apocalypse. She’s relieved their city happened to have a bunker like this handy. What a coincidence.

Joshua and Maria stay in the safe house for two nights. Over that time, nobody goes to work or leaves. They’re rationing food so as not to go outside, but despite their efforts zombie cases are rising and creatures continue to multiply and ravage the city. At some point they spread to the suburbs as well, but they remain concentrated in the densely human centers.

Many people consider the invasion to be the end of the world. Even Joshua and Maria, neither much for doomsday theories, have accepted that their days are numbered. Zombies have tried multiple times since their arrival to bust down the doors, and each time they get closer and closer to succeeding. It’s only a matter of time before they make it in, and then who knows what will happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm also posting this tonight instead of in the morning cuz I might need something to look forward to in the morning. Lol!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We got a few tic warnings in here for anyone reading now or in the future with tic disorders, very minor. I'll tell you when we get to the chapter with a lot of them.

The science team finds out about the invasion far later than they would have liked.

Felix told Benrey while delivering their mail that beasts have been roaming the city for the past few days. He told him everything he knows about the situation: describes the creatures and the theories that they stemmed from Black Mesa.

Felix couldn’t be surprised that they hadn’t known about it, but still. Benrey thanked him stiffly for the information and dismissed himself back to his cabin.

\--

“No!” Gordon shouts when he hears, interrupting Benrey mid sentence. He throws his things to the floor and launches himself out of his seat. Benrey watches him, transfixed, as he had just been relaying the dangerous news to the team.

“We’re going back!” Gordon yells. “We have to! We have to go back!” He’s frantically working the room, shouting with desperation. That city is where his son is. Gordon rubs at his eyes, coughing back a sob into his hands.

The science team unanimously decides to make the trip back to defend their city.

Thought of the aliens triggers a mix of reactions among the science team, but they muscle through it as they grab whatever weapons they can find and pile into the car.

They drive erratically with Bubby at the wheel, coomer in the passenger seat, and Tommy in the back with his legs splayed in Benrey and Gordon’s laps. With Bubby’s driving they manage to cut the three hour trip down to two. 

They pull up to the edge of town and jump out, ready for action. They pull their gear from the car and pause, taking each other in. They take deep breaths and give each other reassuring nods before hustling into town. “Third times the charm,” Coomer comments as he goes.

\--

The civilian cowers in fear as they’re cornered by a peeper puppy. Just as it crouches to attack, it’s blasted out of the way by what sounds like an automatic gun. The civilian, shocked, looks towards the source of the sound and sees a tall, broad shouldered man just as he’s lowering his gun arm. If he hadn’t just saved them from certain death, they’d be afraid of him too. Gordon Freeman rolls his spiny shoulders, eyeing the dead peeper puppy in a heap on the ground. Then he regards the civilian with a blank stare and simply turns and walks away.

-

A few streets over, a big ass  _ thing _ lumbers towards a group of young people, only just now noticing it. They stare at it, frozen in place. Right before it prepares to lunge, Bubby steps out of an alley behind the group of teenagers and sonic blasts it mid-attack. Turning to see what saved them, the kids only see a skinny old man breathing hard with his shoulders hunched. If it hadn’t been for the hole in his forehead, the kids would have overlooked him completely.

The old man is wearing a look like he could burn the place down. He ignores the teens in favor of staring down the beast he slayed, pissed and occasionally jerking his head. He steels himself with a sigh, and raises a hand towards the beast. It bursts into flames. 

He looks at the staring people with a sigh. He says, “what’s it to ya?” before turning on his heel and stalking off, throwing fire at any other creatures that rear their heads. One of his shoulders involuntarily twitches up to his ear. 

-

Elsewhere, three people huddle together in the open surrounded by four headcrabs approaching them as a large, spider-like man falls from the sky. He lands next to them with a bend of the knees and flexing his four large arms. Two of the headcrabs lunge at once, and the man catches them both and smashes them together with his lower set of arms. The other two crabs stagger their attacks. Coomer catches one as it jumps in one of his free hands and nabs the other out of the air in the nick of time. He squeezes them with his massive claws, killing them both with a sickening squelch. 

He drops the lower two crabs to the ground and turns to greet the civilians with a smile. They simply gape at him, ignoring his face in favor of ogling his four arms and the carnage they may be capable of. Holding the two pulpy headcrabs, he greets them with a squinty eyed smile: “well that sure was a close one!”

-

A bipedal alien ape lumbers down a random street. Tommy sprints towards it from the opposite end, breathing controlled and all four legs galloping at full speed. He takes a powerful leap and lands right on it, grabbing its shoulder with one hand and hugging the rest of it with his four opposable legs. It staggers back and Tommy punches it right in the face, over and over, letting out all of his pent up rage for what his friends have been through as he pummels the thing to a pulp. The thing falls on its back with a loud thud. Tommy releases it from his legs and before it can get its weight back up, he steps through its neck with a pointed foot, killing it instantly. 

Tommy looks down at the thing with pity and disgust.

-

Benrey jogs down the street wielding a massive gun and a goofy grin. He shoots down every zombie and alien he passes, having more fun than fear. Gordon takes his attention off the things he’s fighting on the side of the road to heckle him about having too much fun.

Benrey laughs maniacally at his nagging, only continuing to have a blast. The two of them meet up and fight back to back, exchanging playful banter as they fight off the hoard of monsters closing in on them at the center of town.

\--

Maria catches a glimpse of Bubby through the window of the safe house and does a double take. After what she went through with the science guys all those years ago she thinks she should know one of them when she sees them. She watches as Bubby shoots down headcrabs mid-attack and burns anything that dares approach him with a wave of his hand.

She gasps with excitement. “We’re saved! We’re saved!” she exclaims the safe house cohabitants. If anyone can save them from these things, it’s the guys with experience.

Her stomach drops as a giant crab gets too close to Bubby for comfort. She can’t look away from what she knows might be the loss of their last hope when Bubby’s caught off guard.

Another space ape follows it. She screams for him to turn around despite Bubby being unable to hear her. 

She watches the scene unfold a moment longer before recognizing Dr. Coomer and Tommy in the creatures now joining Bubby on the battlefield.

She’s speechless. Are they  _ wearing _ aliens? It should be impossible that they actually have grown extra limbs in the time they’ve been away, but inside Maria knows it’s not that deep. The last time she saw those men, they were human. Now they’re not. She covers her mouth in shock and watches the three of them do their thing like it’s just another Tuesday.

She finds herself wondering why Bubby hasn’t changed, until he uses his sonic blast. 

She recognizes Gordon immediately when he approaches the trio with Benrey. “Oh my god…” she whispers to herself. He got  _ big _ . She tears up a little. It’s been so  _ long _ since she’s seen Gordon. She can’t believe he’s finally back-- it’s amazing! She’s relieved he’s alive. She wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if she had somehow been responsible for his death after their escapade eight years ago. Not to mention the eye candy.

Maria chuckles, then devolves into giddy laughter. She hops up and down in place, staring out the window and cheering for their saviors. Joshua finally sees her and goes to see what’s happening outside.

Curiously peering out the window, Joshua recognizes his dad immediately. He’s been mistaking strangers in crowds for his dad constantly for the past eight years, but he would know his dad when he sees him, right? He’s distant, with the same beard and brown hair, just longer. He stands casually with some other men, all whom Joshua recognizes from the photo. It’s like a dream come true, seeing them in real life. It  _ has _ to be them this time. It  _ has _ to be! Too much has happened, and with the Black Mesa… It HAS to be him!

“Dad…?” Joshua whispers to himself, pressure building behind his eyes. His lip quivers. “...Daddy?” His face twists as he chokes back a few quiet sobs. He puts his hand to the window. He can hardly see through it anymore with the tears now streaming down his face. “Papa I mi--” the dam breaks and Joshua begins to seriously cry. “--I mi-issed yoouu-ooo…” he whimpers to the glass. Joshua presses his forehead to the window despite the mess on his face. Shoulders shaking harshly, he chokes and gasps on his sobs as he stares out the window from an awkward angle. 

Joshua doesn’t yet register the visible changes Gordon’s gone through since leaving, only focused on  _ him _ . He’s waited his whole life for this moment, and it’s finally here. It has to be him. It has to be. If it’s not, Joshua doesn’t think he could handle it. He’d have to die.

This man he sees is the missing piece to Joshua’s life. He sees the resemblance he shares with his father-- his hair, his eyes, his gait. All things Joshua doesn’t share with his mother. The disconnect he’s felt from his family all these years, it was Gordon. Joshua’s filled with pride and as he looks at the missing piece of his  _ family _ . This is it. 

The pride is quickly replaced with desperation. “Dad… dad..” Joshua sniffs, and chokes on snot. “Daddy, please… pleas-e come back,” his voice cracks. Tears fall steadily as he clambers desperately for salvation. “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me again, please,” he begs the window. He blinks, ushering another glob of tears to fall from his eyes.

He murmurs “come back” to himself over and over. He watches with newfound jealousy as  _ his _ dad plays around with those other guys, acting like they’re old friends. It should have been Joshua with him all this time, not them. Joshua feels betrayed, like his dad left him, and forgot about him, and is just fine now without him when Joshua’s been miserable the whole time. 

A pair zombies lumber towards the science team’s meet up. Gordon notices them first, and holds up a finger to his buddies with a smile as if to say “one sec,” before breaking from the group. He marches up to the zombies. One of them reaches for him and Gordon deflects the pitiful attack and sweeps it to the ground in a swift motion, breaking its skull in the process. He punches the other in the face and when it stumbles back, he grabs it by the shoulders to drag it down as he rams his serrated knee into its stomach. He finishes it with a chop to the back of its neck and then brutally sinks his teeth into the remaining flesh. He breaks its neck with a flick of the jaw and shreds its flesh before releasing it. Bloody and mangled, it falls to the ground. 

Gordon composes himself and strolls back to join the group. The others clap him on the shoulder with smiles on their faces, as if congratulating him on a job well done. Maria and Joshua watch as they hug and comfort each other like family.

Maria doesn’t know how to feel about seeing this. It’s not normal. Is he really that strong? Maria feels herself flush nicely at the thought of what he could do with her. She tries not to get distracted. They’re divorced now anyway. She chooses instead to focus on the reality of the situation. Is he really so different now that he can tear into living flesh like that? With his own teeth, no less?

Maria has to confront the fact that he’s changed. What he did wasn’t human-- none of them are. She can’t deny anymore how fundamentally different they are. They don’t just look different, they  _ are _ different. All the time away from society must have made them forget what it means to be human, made them embrace a sick way of life. Gordon isn’t who he used to be and Maria thinks she’d rather stay away than get to know exactly how he’s bastardized himself.

Joshua takes the scene much more harshly than Maria. Gordon’s act of monstrosity was a rude awakening from his emotional reverie. After his initial disgust, it forces him to confront the real reason his dad is in town. He only showed up to kill these things. He doesn’t even know Joshua is there, or that he’s watching him. Joshua momentarily considers that Gordon might not even remember who he is. That his brain was eaten by whatever made him like this, taking Joshua from him. That he lied in the letter he’s been using to survive for the past eight years. It would all be a lie.

Joshua feels his heart breaking. This wasn’t how he’d dreamed a reunion would go. Gordon was supposed to miss him. He was supposed to come back for him someday, not for whatever this is. Does he even know he saved him? Or is this just a chore to him? 

He ate from that person’s dead body like he does it every day. That’s not something Joshua’s dad does. It’s not. That’s Gordon out there-- that was Gordon’s body, but is Dad even in it? He’s new now. Joshua feels like he came so close to finally seeing his dad again only to have it ripped away from him by some fucking sick twist of fate that his dad isn’t even the same person anymore. Joshua is sick and appalled as he cries some more into his hands, unable to watch. 

That was supposed to be his father, and this was supposed to be for  _ him _ . He was so close. So close yet so far and now that Gordon’s back he can never have another chance. There will never be another reunion. Joshua can’t imagine what he’s supposed to do now that the one wish he ever had came true and it turned out to be a sick fucking prank.

Joshua wishes he could disappear and wake up waiting again, so maybe next time his dad can come back for real. He feels so far removed from his father knowing how fundamentally different they are, that he can’t even find love in the memory of him.

The science team disperses with nods of agreement as Maria unbeknownst to them steps out of the safe house. Benrey lingers coincidentally, and Maria jogs up to him in flip flops, clutching her sweater closed around her chest. Joshua trails her out of the building, but opts to linger by the door, watching tearily and wiping his eyes.

“Wait! Benrey!” She calls out to him. Joshua takes note of how his mom knows him.

He turns, confused, and his look turns sour when he recognizes her. She slows to a stop in front of him, catching her breath. 

They stand staring at each other: her, wide eyed and breathless and him, glaring daggers at her. Neither knows what to say.

“Wh...” maria starts. “Why… haven’t  _ you  _ changed at all?” Is all she thinks to ask.

He just stares at her a moment as if gauging her motives. Then, he slowly smiles wide to reveal his sharp tooth-laden maw and answers, “I’m already a monster.” Without waiting for a response, he hoists his gun and runs off in the other direction leaving her standing in the breeze, watching him go. Eventually she turns and goes back inside. Joshua doesn’t move when she asks him to come with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry about the awkward break between chapters. I promise I didn't cut it off in the middle of a scene-- and I plan on updating again tomorrow anyway!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this whole fic just so I could write a scene in this chapter (and the next), enjoy!

Benrey stands alone in the middle of a wide and unpopulated road. Many aliens have died at the science teams hands, but they still need to clean up their mess. 

Benrey raises his arms to his sides. Ghostly black orbs swirl around his hands. He dips his head, peering out from under the brim of his helmet and grins. The orbs swirl faster and larger. Then he grows to his full height. 

He raises the orbs above his head, smiling as he looks up at them. They shine their dancing shadows across his face. He presses his hands together, merging them together into one massive orb.

Satisfied, he looks back to the ground. He dips into a deep lunge and pushes the dark energy into the world. It washes over the city and surrounding land like a wave, spreading all the way to Black Mesa. It flows over the city, blowing by civilians like the wind but turning all the extra terrestrial bodies to dust, cleaning up after the fights. Any monster that hasn’t already been killed turns away from their intended victims, drawn to the source of the energy. It passes through Black Mesa, sealing off the portal once again.

The citizens of the city can see Benrey towering above their tallest buildings and bear witness to his power-- it’s only as much power he can use without becoming something dangerously incomprehensible, but still it leaves mankind in awe and fear. The wind passing them is strong enough to knock anyone off their feet and it fills them with insurmountable dread until it passes as quickly as it came.

As the creatures rapidly accumulate in the same place, the science team prepares to round them up and finish them off. They follow them inwards from the city's edges, making sure they all end up where they need to be: with Benrey. 

Once everyone’s in the same place, the science team really gets to work killing them. They spare no mercy, intending only to get the job done as quickly as possible and get out of there without a trace. 

After a rapid and gut wrenching workout of tactlessly biting and tearing bodies to shreds, Benrey sends out another powerful wave of clean-up power. It leaves many citizens once again jarred and afraid, but Benrey figures the ends justify the means.

The team reconvenes again for a big bear hug from all four of Coomer’s arms. They all melt into the familiar embrace after confronting, once again, the worst thing to ever happen to them. Tears begin to flow from many of their eyes as they process what they did. 

The hug ends as civilians begin to encroach on their space, and Tommy and Gordon both have to stand back up after crouching to Coomer’s height. Looking around at all the curious yet fearful stares from the human masses, the others move to make their getaway back to their home in the forest. 

“Wait,” Gordon stops them, peering into the crowd as if looking for someone. “Hold on, I want to find my son.” The others watch from afar as he makes his way through the parting crowd. 

\--

Gordon finds Joshua outside the safe house where Maria left him, but Maria herself is nowhere to be seen. Gordon approaches him slowly, nervously.

Joshua notices him and visibly freezes. “Dad..?” he whispers, almost imperceptibly. Joshua takes one step forward, squinting at the figure as it approaches. 

Gordon is close enough to see his son’s face for the first time in eight years. It amazes and saddens him to see how much he’s grown up and he wasn’t there for it. Gordon’s moved to tears at the sight alone. Joshua’s face is already wet.

“Dad?” Joshua asks again, afraid. The fear in his voice breaks Gordon’s heart. 

Gordon approaching him is a scene straight from Joshua’s dreams, but this time he already knows his father doesn’t want him anymore. He doesn’t understand why he’s coming towards him. He won’t let himself believe it. 

“Joshie, I’m so sorry,” he says from a few feet away.

Joshua shakes his head as he looks him up and down. “You’re-- what happened to you?” He looks up at Gordon’s face, heartbroken and pleading. 

Gordon looks down at himself. There is no easy answer to that question. 

“It’s… a long story Joshie, but I’m here now,” he tries to squeeze as much of his feelings into those little words as he can.

Joshua’s mouth twists hearing those simple words from his father. He stands stiffly in place, doing nothing to keep his tears and snot from going into his mouth or dripping to the ground. 

Quietly, helplessly, he asks him, “do you still love me?” 

Joshua looks so small. He looks up at Gordon, squinting into the sun through his tears, which only serves to smudge Gordon’s face and halo him in gold.

Gordon’s father instincts kick in and he runs over to scoop Joshua into a big hug. Joshua tries to resist, but he can’t fight anymore. Not after he’s had dreams about feeling this hug again. He melts into the embrace.

“You were-- you were s-supposed to come back for  _ me _ ,” Joshua chokes through sobs, squeezing his dad tight.

“I did come back for you,” he mumbles into his shoulder, patting his hair with one large hand. “I came back for you.” He holds him tight.

“But you-you wouldn’t have come back at all if this hadn’t happened,” he says, miserably.

Gordon pulls back to grip Joshua firmly on the shoulders. “Yes I would!” he looks him firmly in the face. “Of course I would have come back for you! Joshua,” he squeezes his shoulders, “I love you more than anything.” He buries his face into his kid’s shoulder again. “I love you so much. Don’t you ever think I don’t.”

Joshua unloads years of pent-up anxiety onto his father. “I love you,” he says wetly. “I waited for you, I’ve waited all-- all this t-time.” He squeezes Gordon so tight he’s afraid he’ll hurt himself on his spines. 

They stay like that for a long time.

\--

Too soon, Joshua forces himself out of his dad’s grip, eliciting a confused and concerned look from him. 

Joshua stares intently at the ground. “You’re not the same.”

Gordon frowns. “No, Joshie, I’m still me. Look at me.” He gently guides Joshua to look back up at him. Gordon’s amazed at how big he’s gotten since he last saw him. “I may look different-- remember my letter? I said ‘no matter how different I look,’ and I meant it. Joshua, I love you so much. I don’t want you to ever think I’ll stop. Do you hear me?”

Joshua nods with uncertainty, but then he remembers what Gordon did to that zombie. His expression turns to one of betrayal. 

“No you don’t, you’re lying!” He accuses, trying to push out of his grip. “You’re a fake! You’re supposed to be my  _ dad _ but you’re not.” Joshua’s movements are frantic and panicked, fearful of the entity taunting him. “You’re not him!”

Gordon grips his shoulders, desperate. “Hey. hey.  _ I love you. _ I know I’m different but honey I  _ promise you _ I am still me. I’m the same person, I remember raising you! I would pay  _ anything _ \--” he emphasizes his point by jostling Joshua “--to have gotten to see you grow up the rest of the way. I’m so proud of you.” Joshua stares at him, on edge and untrusting. “I love you so,  _ so _ much. I never forgot about you Joshie. I love you so so much and I hate that I left long enough for you to forget that. I can’t-- I’ll never forgive myself.” Gordon shakes his head. Joshua flinches. “I never in a million years wanted to lose you. Whatever you saw out there, yes it was bad. I was scary--  _ am _ scary. But that doesn’t mean I’m not me anymore, and I would never ever try to hurt you like that.”

Joshua stares him in his golden eyes as he says it, sniffling and breathing hard.

“I just--I don’t want to make any excuses, honey, but I left because I started changing. I couldn’t be in society like this,” he gestures to his antennae and self. “Trust me Joshua, I would have given anything for you to be able to come with me and just,” he looks the kid up and down and adjusts his fatherly grip on him, “be my  _ kid _ that whole time. And I hate that it couldn’t have worked out like that.” Tears leak from his eyes. 

Gordon watches Joshua’s expression carefully, praying he’ll believe him. It’s a tense moment. His reaction is unreadable.

They stand like that for a tense moment before Joshua blinks and composes himself, still on guard. “Okay,” he says, forcing himself out of Gordon’s grip. “Prove it.”

His son’s rejection digs deep. Joshua himself wants nothing more than to believe him. Joshua closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, turning away from him.

“Do you remember the package I sent you before I left?”

“Yes.”

“It had a little stuffed animal in it. It’s a cat named Fudge.”

“It is.”

“Would anyone else have known that, Joshie?”

Joshua scoffs. “Don’t call me that. You’re not my dad.”

Gordon slouches. “How can I prove to you that I’m me?”

Joshua, despite his dedication to not giving in, starts crying again. “You can’t,” he says.

“Why not?” Gordon asks.

“Because. I don’t know.” He wipes his eye, turning back towards him in the process.

Gordon watches him sadly. “I want you to believe me, Joshua. How can I convince you I’m your dad?”

Joshua sniffs. “Tell me about me growing up.”

“The day you were born was the best day of my life. I could hold you in just one of my hands, you were so small. You loved space, so I made you a cardboard rocket ship that you would beg me to play in with you every day, and--”

Joshua nods and collapses onto Gordon, who grunts with the force of the impact but gladly lets his son back into his arms. Joshua clings to him tightly, finally losing the will to fight.

Gordon hugs him back. “Do you believe me now?” He murmurs.

Joshua nods, squeezing him. 

“You know I love you?”

Joshua nods again, still trying to get closer. Gordon readjusts them until he’s settled in his lap and just lets his son cry on him. He pets his hair for as long as he needs.

“Are you back?” Joshua asks wetly into his shirt.

Gordon nods, kissing him lightly on the head. “I’m back. Don’t worry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay folks I only have two scenes left to write in act 3 and then revisions, and then the whole fic will be done! Would yall prefer that when the fic is finished for me to A) post it all at once or 1) keep posting once a day or maybe twice a day? I'll probably be finished writing tomorrow and finished revising by Monday...
> 
> Also this chapter was the whole reason I wrote this fic! It was allllll for Joshua to react to seeing Gordon again. The original idea was just that he'd react to the rescas.... but then I decided to take it further with the decade-long disappearance and the mutations too lol. I hope the emotions I wanted to come through did!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To celebrate my finishing act 3, here's another chapter 5 hours early!

“I’ve been off living in the middle of nowhere with the others.” Joshua averts his gaze as another pang of abandonment and jealousy hit him, before Gordon reclaims his attention with a squeeze of his shoulders. “We’ve set up a whole new life out there, and I would love it if you would come back with me.” 

It takes a long moment for Joshua to hear him, but when he does, his face contorts. “You’re asking me to come with you? Really?”

They’re still standing outside in the aftermath of the battle, ignoring the few people passing around them.

“Yes Joshie, I am. I’m not passing up another opportunity to have you with me. I won’t give you up again.”

“...but you’re leaving again?”

“I-- yes, I am. I have to. I can’t stay here, not like this,” Gordon tells him. “Humans don’t want me here. But I want you to be with me too.”

Joshua looks away again. “How can I be your kid now? I’m just a--” he pauses for a breath. “ _ Human,”  _ he echoes. 

Joshua lets Gordon hug him again. 

“You never stopped being my Joshua. I love you. Nothing at all has changed there.”

“So you’re not gonna leave me again?” He holds his breath.

“No Joshie. I’m never going to leave you again. Not without your say on the matter.”

Joshua finally lets himself relax in his father’s arms. “So what happens now?”

Gordon pulls back and asks, “what do you want to happen?”

He’s quiet for a long time before he answers, “I want to be with you.”

Gordon smiles. “Okay! We can do that.” Joshua nods, frowning again.

“Wh…” Joshua is quiet for a long time. Gordon watches him, waiting. “When...when can we go?”

“Oh, well...” Gordon thinks this must be too fast for him. “Well, we were planning on going home right after we finished today…” he says, nervously. “But if that’s too soon for you I can always come back in a week or two to pick you up, give you time to w--”

“No!” Joshua exclaims. “No, no. Don’t leave me.”

“Okay, I won’t! It’s entirely up to you Joshie. I’ll stay here as long as you need--”

“No, I don’t-- I don’t want to stay here at-- at all--” Joshua frowns deeply as his lip quivers. Too much has happened today for him to go back to his mother tonight. He wipes his eye again.

“Aw, c’mere, buddy,” Gordon says, pulling Joshua back into a hug as he loses his composure again. Deep in Gordon’s embrace, Joshua cries out, “I don’t wanna be with moo-oom anym-moooree...”

Gordon frowns deeper and squeezes his child closer. 

“You don’t have to, you don’t have to be around her at all,” he murmurs to him. “You don’t have to live with her anymore.”

“I don’t?” 

“Yes Joshua, I mean it. We can do it. You’re coming home with me, tomorrow morning.”

The surge of relief overwhelms Joshua, and he clings to his dad even tighter. “Th-hank youu,” he mumbles into his chest.

Gordon stands and rubs his back until he calms down. “Are you okay?” he eventually asks. “Has she done anything to you?”

He’s relieved to feel Joshua shake his head no. “No, nothing like-- like that. It’s just-- I hate her.”

Gordon nods. “I know how she is. You can tell me everything about it if you want-- would you like to get some dinner with me? You can tell me everything then, so we don’t have to stand in the dark.”

Gordon continues to rub his back as he nods. “I’d like that.”

They stand there for a minute as Benrey approaches, not knowing if he should say anything.

When Gordon and Joshua finally break apart Joshua jumps when he sees Benrey, recognizing him as the giant who took out a city of horrors.

Gordon follows Joshua’s fearful gaze to his boyfriend. He raises his eyebrows at Benrey, and turns back to Joshua. “Ah, Joshua, this is Benrey,” he says, gesturing to him. “My husband. And,” he shyly adds, “your step-dad, if you’ll have him.”

Joshua does a double take.

“He’s your husband? He just killed everything! You married--?” Joshua is frankly amazed that his humble father found himself in such a being’s favor.

The unreality of the situation dampens Joshua’s comprehension. He’s sure he’ll be freaking out about it later, once he’s processed.

Benrey comes over to them. “Hey,” he says, shy. He tentatively reaches out to shake Joshua’s hand, which Joshua hesitantly takes. Joshua looks into his face with unfiltered wonder. 

After they shake, Joshua bears a small grin. It’s the best thing Gordon has ever seen in his life.

“Ah, Benrey,” Gordon says, “The two of us were going to go to dinner. Do you mind telling the others for me? We won’t be back until later.”

“Wait, we’re going now?” Joshua glances back and forth at them.

“Of course now!”

“Oh! Okay!” He’d thought he’d have to wait until tomorrow. He relaxes knowing their time together doesn’t have to end so soon.

Benrey gives them both a small smile. “Okay. See ya. I’ll let the others know.”

As Gordon and Joshua walk away, Joshua’s gaze lingers on Benrey, a mysterious entity that sent out a wave of evil, apparently his step-father. He’s only a fraction of the new things to learn about his father, and he can’t wait to do it. He can’t wait for the day he doesn’t feel like a stranger in Gordon’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but don't worry!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONEEEE I just finished revising act 3!! The whole fic is done!! Have another chapter!  
> There's mention of Maria using yet another distasteful word in here.

Gordon and Joshua arrive at a restaurant nearby. Of course they’re open-- everyone knows businesses don’t close for the apocalypse. 

Gordon feels like an asshole by going to a restaurant immediately after the end of the world, but he wasn’t thinking when he made the decision and he can’t flake on Joshua. Not again.

They enter the building and Gordon tries not to be obvious about how self conscious he is in the cramped space. Everyone’s looking at him. He tries not to make eye contact with anyone. He knows he’s on very thin ice, only safe because he saved the city.

Despite his deeds, he’s still terrifying. He wonders how Joshua feels being seen with him. Is he ashamed? Proud?

The hostess leads them to their table, bless her heart, she’s trying so hard to act natural. Joshua slides into the booth with ease, but Gordon’s knees jostle the table as he maneuvers his bulk into the seat, saying “sorry, sorry,” the whole time. It’s so awkward.

The hostess apologizes profusely, realizing a table definitely would have been better and she should have remembered to ask.

“Oh I’m so sorry! I can seat you at a table instead! I’m sorry!”

“No, no, don’t worry about it, please,” Gordon insists awkwardly. “ _ I’m _ sorry. Please, this is perfect,  _ I’m _ sorry.” He really would rather be ignored.

Once settled, Gordon and Joshua check out the menus. Gordon finds himself faced with foods he hasn’t seen in years. He balks at the options-- the thought of eating bread right now is a little sickening. There’s not a whole lot for him to choose from since even meat that’s been prepared to human standards will upset his stomach, not to mention it’s bland.

Joshua picks out a simple sandwich. With nothing else to occupy his attention he sits and watches his dad. He takes in the rusty color framing his eyes, the way they glow, the distressed angle of his antennae. What do those feel like, he wonders? 

Gordon grimaces and Joshua notices his teeth. They’re still stained from the fight. Joshua tries not to think about it.

It takes him a minute to realize Gordon’s stressed out about something. 

“W… Uh, what’s wrong?” He asks awkwardly.

Gordon glances up at him. “Oh, uh.” He folds the menu and sets it aside. “Well. I just don’t know what to order.” He hesitates. “I’ve kind of been eating differently for a while.”

“Oh.”

Gordon nods.

“So… do you not know what to order?” Joshua asks. He gestures to the menu. “Can you eat any of that?”

Gordon rubs his neck. “...no, not really.” He looks really self conscious. He glances around the room, surrounded by people.

“Oh.”

They sit in silence for a minute, twiddling their thumbs.

Joshua stares at Gordon. “It’s been eight years,” he states.

Gordon looks back at him. “I know, kid. I’m so, so sorry.”

“So why didn’t you come back sooner?” Joshua accuses. “I waited for you every day. I wanted to die.” 

Gordon slouches. “I’m sorry. It was because I couldn’t show myself in society. I’m only here now because I helped with those aliens.”

“Okay,” Joshua says, stiffly. “So why didn’t you take me with you?” 

The question catches Gordon off guard. Of course he’d wanted to bring him with him. 

”Why did you leave me behind? With mom? With just a letter?” Joshua scowls. “She used me for a punching bag and I had no idea where you were.” Joshua glares at Gordon for a pregnant second. 

“I had to grow up with her and without you. I shouldn’t have had to. And now I’m almost grown and it’s too late to fix it. So why couldn’t you have taken me with you?” It feels good, finally letting this out, less afraid it’ll be the last thing he says to him.

Gordon thinks for a long moment. “...I didn’t know that I could. I didn’t know what was happening. All I knew was that it had something to do with some horrible things back at Black Mesa and I didn’t want you to get wrapped up in it.” He looks imploringly at his son. “I’m so sorry. When I started changing back then, I didn’t know how far it would go. I didn’t know if I’d even survive, much less be fit to care for you.” Gordon gets choked up. “I’m beyond sorry I abandoned you. Knowing Maria I never should have left you behind. You don’t have to forgive me, I’m not asking you to, but I genuinely believed you may have been worse off with me. I just need you to know that. I never would have left you with her without a good reason to.”

Joshua takes a moment to process this. “Okay,” he says. “I believe you.” Gordon breathes a sigh of relief. “And you’re here now, so… I might forgive you too. We’ll see.”

Gordon feels himself tear up a little. “You don’t have to Joshua. I’m already beyond grateful for this much. Thank you for having dinner with me.”

A minute passes in silence before the waitress comes to take their order for drinks and food, and once again leaves them to their devices. 

Joshua works up the courage to ask only of his oldest questions.

“So where have you been all this time?”

“I… have been living in the wilderness with the others.”

Joshua nods, listening intently, but feigning nonchalance.. “Is that where you’re taking me?” he asks. “I’m still coming with you, right?”

Gordon nods. “Yeah, that’s where we’ll be living.”

“Do you have a house?” He asks. “I don’t know if I can, like...”

“We have a house, don’t worry. It’s very nice, but nothing like city standards. There’s no bathroom or plumbing, so all that happens outside.”

The waitress brings Joshua his sandwich. They thank her.

“We have a nice river we bathe in too. Luckily we don’t have to worry much about clean water, since our bodies changed. We can handle a lot worse in our stomachs than normal people can, but we can only really like raw meat…”

Joshua looks at the sandwich in his hands. “Oh,” he says. Gordon’s placemat is empty. Joshua couldn’t fit in with them. They’d have to go out of their way just to feed him-- he can’t do that to them. He’s never had to fend for himself before. He doesn’t even know how to make water drinkable. He’s a city boy, he thinks. He should just stick with what he’s used to before he makes it worse for anybody else. 

Not to mention bringing Joshua with them would just be like… bringinging a human into their space. Joshua curls into himself.

“If you have any questions, Joshua, just ask. Otherwise, I want to know what all has changed for you, since I… left.” He’s seemingly oblivious to Joshua’s internal war.

“A-actually, I kept a list…” Joshua responds, pulling out his phone to show Gordon. He starts at the very beginning, with the first thing on his list:  _ McDonalds Policecar. _ Joshua remembers writing this down a few days after he left, but doesn’t remember what it means. It was important, though, so he shares it.

As minor as it is, Gordon’s touched by the thought his son wanted to share that with him. He’s sorry he wasn’t there.

It hits him hard when he realizes his sixteen-year-old son kept track of this tiny detail for eight years.

The minor updates from childhood evolve into venting about Maria. 

She’s had cameras in almost every room of the house for years. She times him in the bathroom. She made his puberty everybody’s business. 

Quietly, afraid of the answer, Gordon asks, “has she been that bad to you this whole time?”

Joshua nods. It breaks Gordon’s heart. “I mean, I hate her,” Joshua says. “She’s rude and hateful every day, to everyone. I’m afraid I’ll turn out like her sometimes. 

“You can’t trust a word she says, but sometimes I believe her when she tells me I’m the asshole.”

Gordon wishes he’d stopped her sooner.

“I’ve come to terms that I just have to wait it out. I keep reminding myself that in a few years I can move out and never talk to her again.” He takes a bite of food.

Joshua lives day by day like that?

“Actually, you…” he swallows. “You have a husband now. Uhm. I’m… also… gay?” he looks up at Gordon, seeing no threat. “Mom told me if I ever brought a boy home she’d ‘still love me,’ but that she’d give me dirty looks, like this--” Joshua demonstrates Maria’s stink eye “--she actually showed me the face she would make at me. 

“So I never brought… my boyfriend... home. I had a boyfriend a year ago and I never told Mom but eventually she found out anyway. Then, she called me a fucking liar and blamed me for keeping it from her, saying she never gave me any reason to keep secrets.

“THEN she took my phone and texted him some fake fucking SHIT about how I cheated on him so he’d leave me. I don’t fucking get it! She fucking-- she fucking has given me a new reason every year to never come out to her and then she doesn’t understand why I kept a boyfriend secret from her!”

Gordon reaches across the table to hold Joshua’s hand.

“Just…” Joshua continues. “Every day she reminds me of some little shit I did. She pisses me off. She  _ infuriates _ me. And then when I get mad at her she turns it around on me like ‘oh, you just think im a bad mom,’ ‘oh you just hate  _ everything _ I do, my kid hates me, boo hoo,’” Joshua mimics Maria’s whining, manipulative voice. “She always has some reason to be the victim! M _ aybe _ if she just paid attention to the specific shit that pisses me off, she’d notice a pattern, and then she could  _ stop doing that shit _ and I wouldn’t hate her anymore. Like,” Joshua gestures emphatically. “I don’t hate  _ everything she does. _ It’s just that the few things I  _ do _ hate, she does fucking constantly and then calls me a psycho when it upsets me.”

Joshua takes a vicious bite out of his sandwich, chewing and swallowing quickly. He slaps it down, nearly talking with his hands. “Once, she pissed me off so bad, I don’t even  _ remember _ what it was, but I’m not allowed to get mad at her, as you know. So.” Joshua clicks tongue. “When she pisses me off all I can do is stomp around cuz I get so  _ tense _ I physically can’t  _ not _ stomp. SO this time I was off stomping in circles because I couldn’t  _ tell _ her why I was mad and she came up to me in my own fucking room and she--” Joshua takes a big, pissed breath. “She told me I was a ‘fucking psycho ASSHOLE’ who needed to be locked up.”

Gordon grinds his teeth painfully hard.

“That whole fucking family’s fucked up,” Joshua says, shaking his head.

“...Did you ever meet my side of the family?” Gordon asks, voice low and level, almost threatening.

“No. She wouldn’t let me.”

Joshua sighs, leaning back in his seat. His anger melts away and is replaced with sadness. “I just. I’ve felt really lonely lately. I feel like there’s nowhere I belong. Like, sometimes I just feel this deep sense that I need to go home, but then I remember I don’t have a home. I just. I feel robbed of a childhood. My house with mom is supposed to be my home but it's not, and it never was, but there’s nowhere else for me to go. I’m no one's best friend, I’m in nobody's main friend group. I feel like nobody loves me. I want to find one place to belong before I die, and I’ve almost accepted that I never will. I’m tired. I just.” He sniffles. His voice turns nasally, stuffy. “I want a way out. I feel like I’ve been alive so long and it’s still not over and I still have to wait and I don't want to anymore. I just want to  _ escape _ to a place where I can finally belong with people who love me, and who I love back. That’s all I’ve wanted. It’s all I need. I just--I want a family.”

Gordon’s eyes are wet. He reaches across the table with his other hand, holding both of Joshua’s hands in his. “You’re gonna have that Joshua. You’re gonna have a family with us.”

“And what if I don’t fit in? What if I can’t live like you?” Joshua asks, dejected. 

He considers that he might not get to move in with Gordon. He might be stuck again, alone with his mother.

“Not possible,” Gordon says. “We’ll make it work. I love you more than anything in the world, Joshua. I know they’ll love you too. You are my amazing, wonderful kid. We are going to make this work.” Gordon squeezes Joshua’s hands across the table, and Joshua smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am already thinking about what I might do for a sequel to this fic folks.... subscribe to the Mutant AU series too so you don't miss it when it eventually comes out!
> 
> I know This is only chapter 15 but I just finished writing all 20 of them and let me just say, I put a total of 59 hours and 55 minutes into this fic! I timed myself the whole time... thank you all for reading!!!! I really enjoy this fic a lot, it made me feel good to write!  
> This sounds like an epilogue end note but I promise we still have 5 whole chapters to go! It's not over yet.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Maria moments we've all been waiting for.

Once they leave the restaurant they head back towards Maria’s house. Joshua still has to spend one last night there before he leaves with the others in the morning. 

“I know you only have two years left before you’re an adult,” Gordon tells Joshua on the way back, “but you’re spending them with me.”

Laughing, Joshua replies, “I might not want to move out in two years if I’m spending them with you.”

Gordon laughs, then explains the plan to Joshua. While he spends one last night with Maria and gathers some of his belongings, Gordon and the science team will be staying in a hotel. They’ll leave in the morning whenever Joshua wakes up, as long as it’s before 12. 

The idea of staying at his childhood home another night stresses him out, but he gets by on reminding himself that all he has to do is go to bed and wake up, then he’ll be on his way. 

Moving away feels so distant. Setting foot back in Maria’s apartment has the power to make him forget today even happened.

Joshua retires to his own bedroom while Gordon stays behind to have a very difficult conversation with Maria in semi-private.

She calls goodnight to Joshua and, arms crossed in the cold, turns curiously, almost worried, to Gordon. She’s certainly concerned about how safe it is to be around him.

She shakes her head at him. “What happened to you?” she asks.

Gordon sighs, looking at her boredly, and skips to the point. “I’m taking Joshua with me when I leave.”

Maria gapes like a fish. “Wha--  _ no _ you are  _ not! _ . He is  _ my _ son!”

“You know damn well he’s my son too.”

Maria shakes her head dramatically slow. “Nooo, you gave that up when you abandoned him ten years ago!”

Gordon snaps his mouth shut. 

Maria continues. “There is no way in  _ HELL _ I’m letting him leave with you. You fucking freak-- You expect me to believe he’ll be  _ safe _ with you? You’d kill him in your fucking sleep.”

“I am  _ not _ a monster, Maria. I will be far better for him tha--”

“Oh,  _ BULLSHIT! _ You're pulling shit out of your ass, Gordon. I’m fuckign  _ good _ to him. I  _ stayed _ . I feed him, I clothe him, I pay all his bills. He should be THANKING me. You fucking prick-- I can’t believe you.”

“He’s  _ told _ me--”

“Told you fucking what? What did he tell you? I’ve never touched him. You think you can show up a fucking decade later and take my kid from me? You motherFUCK! You waltz back into his little life and start putting ideas into his head! You wanna know what I think? I think you put this idea in his head...”

Maria continues her rant as Gordon mentally kicks himself. She’s definitely going to give Joshua shit about this later.

“...he was  _ JUST FINE _ until you showed up. We were  _ happy _ . You expect me to believe he wanted to move out before today? Bullshit. Bullshit. You’re shitting me. I never thought you were such a liar, oh my god,” Maria continues.

\--

Joshua sits in his room, hearing everything they say. He tries to focus on the positives, like finally getting to not only  _ see _ his dad again, but to be loved by him too. He gets to move away from his mother. He should be overcome with excitement, but he only hears their argument.

He knows once Gordon leaves she’ll turn her wrath onto him. She’ll accuse him of lying to make her look bad, or she’ll try to psychoanalyze how Gordon “convinced” him to hate her. Either way, he’s dreading it. He wishes he could run away tonight.

Muffled through the walls, he hears Gordon finally lose it. “You know what?” he says. “Never mind. I’m taking him tonight--”

Maria screams at him.

“STOP IT,” Gordon shouts back. “JUST. STOP. I’m taking him tonight. He doesn’t need another night of your fucking shit! I know you well enough you’re gonna make this  _ his _ problem as soon as I leave, and I’m not FUCKING having it.”

Maria loses her mind on him. Gordon keeps speaking despite it. “He can stay the night at the hotel with me and  _ my _ friends. Forget about it. I wanted you to have another night with him but I changed my mind.” Joshua hears heavy footsteps move through the apartment towards his room. He feels his heart rate spike.

Then, Gordon opens his door to see Joshua sitting cross legged on his empty floor where he’d been eavesdropping, staring up at him like a deer in the headlights.

Gordon sighs, composing himself for his son. “Joshua, would you be upset if we left tonight?” He sounds tired and wary.

Joshua enthusiastically shakes his head no. He would  _ love _ to leave tonight. 

Gordon nods. “Good, you’re coming back to the hotel with me. Still, throw some things in a bag real quick. Things you can’t replace.”

Gordon blocks his doorway mostly to keep Maria out as Joshua scrambles to pack whatever can’t be bought. Among the few toys and photo albums he chooses to take is the box containing Gordon’s letter. Even though Joshua has found something far better than the letter, he won’t bear to part with it. He just needs a copy for his own sanity.

Done, Gordon leads him through the apartment, passing Maria on the way out, wiping her eyes. 

Joshua looks up at her meekly. “Bye, mom,” he says.

Teary eyed, she looks at him. “‘Goodbye forever,’ you mean?”

Joshua doesn’t know how to respond to that--

“I love you  _ so  _ much,” she continues, almost sarcastically “and you repay me by lying about me and making me sound like a bad mom. I can’t believe you.” She continues to wipe at her eyes. It’s almost theatrical, despite the tears being real.

Joshua frowns at her, disappointed again. She’s not even going to say goodbye. 

Gordon stops, losing his patience. He tells her, “I know not a word of what he said was a lie. You’re even manipulating him as he’s  _ leaving _ . I will  _ happily _ keep him away from you.”

With that, Gordon leads Joshua away. Joshua does feel bad for her-- he’s her son and he just abandoned her. What if she feels like he did when Gordon left? Then he remembers she emotionally abused him his whole life, so she had it coming, right? 

It really upsets him that she wasted her goodbye on snark instead. He feels like he shouldn't care, but he does.

He chooses instead to focus on the future. He can’t believe this all happened in one day. The night is so mundane it’s hard to imagine how different things will be tomorrow. That three days ago he was still crying over his letter.

Before they get to the hotel, Gordon asks Joshua if he’s ready to meet his friends in person.

“They’re very kind people, but you don’t have to meet them tonight if you don’t want to,” he says. He can just as easily afford a separate room for the two of them and worry about it in the morning.

Joshua shakes his head quickly. “No, it’s alright, I can meet them now.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, it’s cool.” He sounds unconvinced.

“Well then,” Gordon says, “I think I’d rather go straight to bed. Let’s meet them in the morning. There’s been enough stress for one day.”

Gordon sees the tension leave Joshua’s shoulders and realizes he probably hasn’t had his boundaries respected since he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the last chapter of act 2!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to my notes, Bubby tics a lot in this chapter, towards the end. I think it's a very short segment.

Joshua wakes up at 10am the next morning, nuzzled comfortably into the hotel’s fluffy pillows. The comforter is warm, the room is cool, and the energy is clean. Joshua feels more relaxed than he has in a while.

He lays on his side, staring at the wall and the clock on the bedside table, watching minutes pass as he waits for the day to start. Eventually, he sits up and tosses the covers off himself.

“Good morning Joshie”

Joshua jumps at the sudden voice, looking at the source. Gordon stands in the doorway of the hotel’s bathroom. All the excitement from yesterday comes back as he remembers his dad is back for good and that he’s moving in with him. 

“Mm. Mornin’,” Joshua replies.

Gordon smiles. “Are you ready to meet the others? We can head out whenever you’re ready. It’s kind of a long drive, though.”

Joshua thinks for a moment. It’s now or never, and he feels more rested than he has in a while.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Great. I know what room they’re in, so just get dressed and grab your things, and we can go.”

Joshua puts day clothes and shoes back on, they grab their things from the room, and Gordon leads them out.

“They should be in room 322, Tommy said we can knock whenever. They’re already up,” Gordon tells Joshua on the way to the elevator.

_ Tommy _ , Joshua thinks. He knows that name. He pats his pocket for the letter even though its author is right in front of him.

They ride the elevator up a floor.

Joshua watches his father’s back as they make their way down the hypnotizing corridors of the hotel. His heart beats fast and he doesn’t know where to look. Seconds pass and any moment now his whole life will change.

He’s never seen them up close before, but he knows Gordon’s friends sure don’t look like the photo anymore. 

They finally stop in front of a door and Joshua stands a step behind Gordon while he knocks on the door. “It’s gonna be okay,” Gordon tells him.

Joshua nods. The tense seconds kill him before someone finally opens the door. 

Joshua’s senses are bombarded with noise and emotion when Benrey opens the door and the room erupts in happy noises as familiar strangers excitedly greet his dad. It feels like the first moments of a Thanksgiving with family he’s never met.

Joshua hangs back watching as the four new guys walk to crowd Gordon. Tommy takes almost all of his attention though. Joshua is transfixed not only by the way he moves but how  _ large _ he is. He’s almost as tall as the room and he can hardly fit in the floorspace either. He’s so much larger up close, so much more intimidating and weirdly nautical that he’s afraid to get too close.

Not to mention Benrey, who he knows seems unassuming, but he’s seen what he can do.

“Now Gordon, who’s this fine gentleman?” Coomer says, approaching Joshua. He shrinks back, intimidated by this new, broad assailant.

“Coomer, give him some space! You’re scary.” Bubby says. He steps closer as well. Joshua tries not to stare at him too much.

They introduce themselves as friends who met Gordon during the resonance cascade.

“Joshua doesn’t know what that is,” Gordon points out. He looks at Joshua, uncertain that he wants to burden him with that knowledge.

The term is unfamiliar to him, and he’s not thrilled to be just now finding out about something undoubtedly related to Gordon’s disappearance. He expects clarification, only to be told they’ll explain in the car.

They make their way through the city on foot towards Bubby’s car parked on the edge of town, pointedly ignoring the stares and whistles from the people.

Joshua is oddly relieved to see it’s just a normal car until Tommy points out that they won’t all fit in a 5-seater. They make it work, though, with Benrey shrinking to fit.

\--

Once they’re driving, Joshua asks them to explain what the resonance cascade was. He’s met with a scientific explanation and an alarming summary of their weekend 8 years ago-- basically, they fought an alien invasion.

Joshua looks across Tommy’s lap at his dad. “You were trapped for a whole weekend with those things?” he asks, a little scared for him. “That’s how you have so much practice fighting them?”

“Yep!” Dr. Coomer answers for him, from the front seat. “It’s also why we are the way we are now!”

“Well…” Tommy interjects. “That’s more because-- uh we went to an alien-- alien planet.”

“You did  _ what _ ?”

“Well yeah, we didn’t just fight aliens the whole weekend. We had to close the portal too-- just so happened that we had to go to the other side to do it,” Bubby says. He clicks his tongue.

“Immediately after the cascade we had to fight the aliens in self defence,” Coomer explains, “but not long later the military showed up to ‘take care of’ the witnesses and we had to fight them off too.”

Gordon nods solemnly with Coomer’s explanation. Bubby flinches.

“It was quite the gamble! We came out on top in the end of course, but not before your father-- well. I’ll let him tell you.”

Sensing the change of tone, he looks nervously at Gordon, who takes a steadying breath before turning in his seat to show Joshua his right arm. “This is a prosthetic I got from Tommy’s dad only after everything was over,” he says, removing the hand. “The real one was--” he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “--cut off. By some marines in an ambush, just before they tried to kill me.” He puts the hand back on. Tommy frowns to remember it. “I was handless for a while. It’s a wonder my hazard suit was able to save me from bleeding out.”

“Oh,” Joshua frowns. Shouldn’t he have died? He stares at the seam on his father’s arm. It should never have happened. He should have been there.

“Right--” Coomer says. Bubby sniffs and squeezes his eyes shut tight despite his position at the wheel.

“--handless. Until we found the Mixology department, where we met a fine scientist named Darnold!”

“I wonder how he’s doing!” Tommy ponders aloud.

“He shared with Gordon a fine Top Secret Potion that gave him--”

“--a gun arm, yeah,” Gordon finishes for him. “I had a gun arm the whole rest of the time. I don’t get it either,” he says in response to Joshua’s shocked expression.

Joshua hasn’t even processed the gun thing yet, thinking instead about how his dad lost a hand in a high-stakes battle years and years ago, and he never even knew about it. 

“And then not long later we went through a portal to another planet -- sorry Tommy -- fought some more, and came back.” Tommy nods at Bubby’s apology, trying his best to quell the emotions drudged up by the mention of Xen.

“But we were there too long,” Bubby continues, “and it fucked up our bodies so now--” Bubby flinches with a ‘ _ woo _ !’ _ “ _ \--we’re like this. End of story.”

Joshua leans back in his seat to process. He tries to make it make sense. This is an old story to them, but it clearly still affects them. He feels bad that he missed it-- missed out on such an important part of his dad’s life. He didn’t even manage to learn about it in his research. What kind of son is he, that he didn’t know all that? He has to fight the feeling that he can never compare to these guys, and can never be as close with his own father as they are now.

Joshua’s gaze finds Gordon, and they look at each other for a long moment. Joshua opens and closes his mouth once. “I’m sorry,” he works out, and it’s true. He’s sorry that it happened, that his dad had to have that kind of experience. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I had no idea.” His apology is for Gordon, but they all hear it.

“Not to worry now, Joshua! All is well!” Coomer reports, but it’s left ignored by Joshua. 

He and his dad lock eyes. Gordon gives him a small smile, nodding. It’s okay. 

“We’ve moved on from that,” Coomer continues, “nowadays we’ve been living in the woods alone!”

Joshua breaks the eye contact with Gordon. “Oh yeah, I’ve heard about that already. That’s, uh, where we’re going right now, right?”

“It sure is! That’s where you’ll be living with us!” Coomer’s excitement is contagious as it soothes Joshua’s anxieties about inconveniencing them, and he finds it in himself to smile at the prospect. He likes these guys so far, although they still frighten him. He smiles at Gordon, committing his face to memory, and is pleased to find him smiling back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of act 2


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to act 3!!!  
> Act 3 is really a lot like just. a big epilogue, so it's very short (only 3 chapters, and the last one is extra short) and also jumps around a lot. I have more to say in the end notes.  
> Also, I have two songs that I'd like to say remind me of this fic a lot!  
> The song Rainbow by Gfriend helped me write/gives me the same feelings as the scene when Joshua first sees where he'll be living with Gordon, and he's super happy about it.  
> The song I Believe in You by Michael Buble really encompasses Gordon and Joshua's relationship for the whole act, how Gordon feels about Joshua, and Joshua being happy finally.

After a couple hours Bubby tells them they’re almost there by pointing out for Joshua that the trees he sees out the window belong to the woods they live in. This is the moment that makes Joshua realize there’s no turning back. 

The densely wooded forest flows past the window Joshua watches from. He swallows back his nerves, ignoring the stomachache building. 

He doesn’t want to be ungrateful. He reminds himself that this is a dream come true, that he’s going to a  _ home _ , that he’ll be with Gordon.

When he remembers that Gordon’s in the car with him his heart rate spikes again, but this time with excitement.  _ He’ll be with Gordon. _ Where Joshua was anxious before, he now can’t wait to get out and get started.

The team finally pulls over in their usual spot and piles out of the car, stretching their legs and unloading their things.

Joshua stands in the light breeze and looks into the trees. He feels a little bit like they’re forgetting something-- but there’s no checking into a hotel, no paying for parking, nothing. There’s nothing else to do but to walk. 

It’s an average woods filled with average trees, Joshua notices as they go, but the air is rife with significance as he can almost  _ feel _ their claim on the territory.

The gentle breeze is crisp and cool but the sun is warm in the occasional patches of light drifting between the leaves. Joshua looks up. It’s all so green, and the leaves are glowing, haloed in the sunlight. Birds sing to each other as a butterfly drifts past them. Coomer laughs at something someone said, and even that blends perfectly into the ambiance.

Previously out of place in the sleek clutter of the city, Gordon and his group of friends look like they fit perfectly in with the trees.

The ground crunching under his feet, they eventually reach the clearing and Joshua sees the cabin for the first time. It’s not much, but he feels so light on his feet out in the open air that he doesn’t care. This is freedom from his mom and from the labyrinth of longing he’s had for Gordon all this time.

He realizes that this, this moment-- this is the first time he’s stopped grieving in 8 years. He smiles. He’s not grieving anymore. He’s so happy to not be grieving anymore. Gordon is  _ here, _ with him. He’s finally free. It feels like waking up from a deep fog. He doesn’t know what to do with the capacity for new emotion he’s discovered, now that his heart isn’t filled with grief. 

Gordon comes up behind him and takes his hand, leading him inside. The house is warm.

The group shows him around the house. It’s simple, with some furniture and three bedrooms on the top floor, and an extra one on the ground floor. They show him to his room, which apparently used to be Tommy’s. 

Joshua organizes his things, settling into the room. They take the day to relax and help him get used to it.

That night, they gather around the fire for the first time. The fire ignites with a fwoom out of nowhere, scaring Joshua halfway out of his seat. Alarmed, he looks around to find what happened only for Bubby to apologize for scaring him.

“What?” Joshua asks. “How did that happen?”

“That was Bubby, Joshua!” Coomer explains. 

“Oh!” Joshua says. “That was really cool…!” He says, uncertainly

Bubby holds back a smile at the compliment and thanks him simply.

\--

The morning after moving in, Joshua wakes up to Coomer standing outside his bedroom door. 

“Good morning, Joshua!” he greets him, cheerily. “I thought I ought to teach you to prepare your water! Do you know how to prepare drinking water, Joshua?”

“I, uh--” Joshua feels cornered in his doorway. “No, not really,” he’s ashamed to admit.

“That’s alright! Come with me!” Coomer walks away from the door.

Joshua lingers. “Well uh, okay! We just met but okay…!”

“Bonding!” Coomer calls over his shoulder.

\--

Coomer walks Joshua into the woods to show him the river they bathe in and get fresh water from.

“There’s a waterfall nearby as well, would you like to go see it?” He asks.

“No, don’t worry about it,” Joshua politely declines, rubbing his arm. He would like to see it, but he doesn’t actually want him to go out of his way.

“Nonsense! Let’s go see the waterfall!”

Coomer leads Joshua upstream as he stumbles along in the mud. He can hear the thundering of the waterfall as they get closer until finally he sees it. It’s larger than he’d expected. The water pours down from a cliff not too tall and rainbows are visible in the mist at the bottom. It’s honestly breathtaking.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Coomer asks, gazing into the curtain of water fondly.

Surrounded by nothing but deep green trees and miles from civilization, it really is beautiful.

“Some of the others don’t much like to come here for long, saying it’s overwhelmingly loud, but I find it calming… What do you think, Joshua?” Coomer looks at him and gives him a grandfatherly smile, and it makes him feel safe.

“Well… It is loud, but I dunno. I could get used to it. I might come back,” Joshua says, shrugging. This is a little awkward, he thinks. He hardly knows this man and he’s already acting interested in his opinion. 

“I’m glad I could show you, then!” Coomer replies, not at all insulted by his answer like Joshua had feared he would be.

They stand there for another minute, watching the water. It’s nice. Comfortable. 

Eventually Coomer breaks the silence suggesting that they grab the water they came for. He fills four big buckets with water, carrying one in each hand.

Joshua offers to carry one of them so Coomer doesn’t have to, but Coomer refuses, saying he has plenty of arms.

They get back to the campground and drop the buckets of water off near the fire pit. Then, Coomer leads Joshua inside to show him where in the house they keep the large cauldron.

He carries it outside and shows Joshua how to set it up, helping him. Together, they fill the pot with the water and Coomer explains, “all we’re doing is boiling it! Very easy usually, but without a stove it can be a little hazardous! I’ll help you start the fire.”

Crouching together, Coomer teaches Joshua how to start a fire, not judging him for never learning before. 

Despite Coomer’s soothing demeanor Joshua finds himself becoming increasingly tense as he thinks more and more about how bad it would be if he forgot how to do this. What if he has to ask for help again? What if he annoys them? What if he messes it up and gets sick? What if he needs help and no one is around?

Noticing how stressed Joshua has become, Coomer tells him, “Don’t worry if you can’t catch all of this! We’ll always be around to help you.”

Joshua nods and the two of them leave the water to boil, and not long later they work together to pour it into separate jugs to store in the kitchen.

\--

After two days of living off of greens, Joshua finds himself on the back porch with Tommy while he explains how to prepare meat. Tommy glides along the floor gathering supplies while Joshua watches from the side. He notes how weirdly comfortable he is around Tommy now-- anyone else would be afraid of him. Despite his height and spider-like movements, he feels more like a brother or an uncle than anything. He hardly notices his abnormal appearance anymore.

As Tommy heaves the dead deer onto a table and Joshua tries not to look, he tells him, “th-this won’t be ready for a few-- for a few days. You’ll have to keep eating the-- the, uh, vegetables.”

Squicked by the meat in front of him, Joshua replies, “I have  _ no  _ problem with that.” He accidentally catches a glimpse of the deer and has to cover his mouth to hold in a gag-- how do they eat this shit fresh?

Tommy chuckles to himself at what he said and then tells Joshua, “I-I’m sorry but you need to look so I can show you what to look-- what you need to look for. I’m checking for uh, for dis-diseases.” Tommy watches him as he hesitantly comes up to his side and looks, slowly peeling his fingers away from covering his eyes.

“See this?” Tommy pokes at some of its fat. “That’s f-f-f-fat. It shouldn’t look like cheese. Also, if you see green stuff, that’s bad.” 

Tommy explains the ins and outs of inspecting meats to the highest standard before moving into the cleaning process.

“We’ll hang it up out here, and it has to hang-- uh, hang cold for ten d-days. That’s why you have to eat veggies--” 

Joshua nods at this.

“--and I-I-I don’t know how much you eat, so it should last you a bit, but you’ll have to do this process fairly often…”

Joshua’s energy drops at the prospect of doing all this by himself just so he can eat. Tommy catches on quickly though.

“D-d-don’t worry! We’re not gonna make you do it your-- do it yourself.” Tommy leans down a little to smile warmly at Joshua eye-to-eye. “I’ll always do it with you! You won’t be a-alone. It’s just good-- good to pay attention now, s-so you can know.”

Joshua nods, and assumes someday, eventually, he won’t be so afraid of doing it himself.

\--

One night in his room, Joshua feels scared. He’s facing the permanence of his situation and doesn’t know what to make of it. All these new things piling on top of leaving home-- it’s starting to overwhelm him. Pooping in the woods, boiling his water in advance, harvesting and gathering his own food… He feels like he’ll never be able to do it.

He walks up to Gordon where he stands in the kitchen drying dishes. The evening ambiance of the house reminds him of his childhood, when he couldn’t sleep and used to make Gordon sit with him before bed. 

Gordon looks up at him and smiles before returning to his dish. He watches him, the man he lost for years, his father, and tries to think about how happy he is to have him back.

When Gordon finishes the dish, he finally notices the stress riddling Joshua’s features.

“What’s wrong, bud?” He turns to face him completely.

No response.

“Joshie? What’s wrong?” Gordon asks again, definitely worried.

Joshua’s lower lip quivers. He begins to tremble. 

“Hey hey hey! It’s okay!” Gordon coos, quickly enveloping him into a hug. “It’s all okay, I’m here. I’m here.” He pets his hair. “You can tell me what’s wrong-- whenever you want.”

Joshua nods into his chest, tears silently seeping into his shirt. They stand that way for a long minute before Gordon moves them to the couch. He awkwardly waddles them both over there, nearly carrying Joshua so that he doesn’t have to move from his place buried in Gordon’s chest.

They sit on the couch until Joshua calms down a bit and Gordon asks, “are you ready to tell me what’s bothering you?”

Joshua tearily nods. “I’m unsettled,” he says.

Gordon nods. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I don’t know how to live like this.”

“Well that’s okay Joshua, we’ll help you through anything you need--”

Joshua turns away. That wasn’t the right thing to say.

Gordon purses his lips. 

“...Are you homesick, Joshie?”

Joshua nods, biting his lip.

Gordon pulls him close again so that he’s leaning on his chest. “Oh, well, if you want to go back I will help you. You don’t have to stay forever. Do you wanna go back? Maybe live on your own?”

Joshua lays there quietly while he considers. As afraid as he is of this change, he knows he doesn’t want to go back to the city, even if he doesn’t live with Maria again. Despite the discomfort of this new lifestyle Joshua knows he’s found a family he doesn’t want to leave, especially not Gordon.

Joshua finally answers, saying “no… I would rather stay. It’s just… culture shock, is all.” He sniffs.

“I can understand that,” Gordon says, “and I know from experience that that will pass with time. So as long as this is where you want to be, kid, you’ll be just fine here.” He cards his hands gently through his son’s hair. “And until then, I’ll help you through anything. I believe in you.”

Joshua nods, feeling drowsy by the touch. They sit in the dim living room, listening to the crickets outside. Just as Joshua is about to drift off, he hears Gordon whisper, “I’ll stay right here. You don’t have to sleep alone tonight if you don’t want to. I love you.” Joshua falls asleep soon after in Gordon’s lap. 

He and Gordon are still there when he wakes up. Gordon slept the whole night on the couch. Joshua finds him with his neck bent uncomfortably over the back of the couch, snoring with his mouth open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. Guys.   
> A lot of you have been commenting about interest in seeing Joshua handle the inhuman behaviors of the science team. i.... I was SO FOCUSED on the emotional bonding aspect of his moving in with them that I COMPLETELY. FORGOT. TO WRITE HIM COPING WITH INHUMANITY  
> I'm laughing at myself right now, but it's something I absolutely would have included had I remembered to, so I AM going to write it and I AM going to put as much effort into the feelings as I did all the other reaction scenes in this fic. I'm going to post it as a separate oneshot because I don't want it to interfere with my daily updates on this fic, and once it's done I'll go through and work it into the main work. So keep an eye out for that! It'll probably take me a week to come up with all the scenes I wanna write for it, write it, and revise it for posting though, so I'm sorry about that.  
> Really, I'm kicking myself for completely overlooking that. The scene this chapter with Tommy is the closest I got to him being squeamish over inhumanity, and they were doing something pretty human. I'll probably include a dinnertime scene.... I'm vibrating thinking about it. Even I'm looking forward to it!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second to last chapter! this one and the next one are both going up at the same time, since the next one is criminally short.  
> Be warned that Joshua describes his depression in depth this chapter, so if reading about those feelings triggers those feelings for you, it starts with "because I have so much now" and ends with "Benrey sits quietly for a second." It's the last scene in the chapter.  
> Also, Bubby tics so much in this chapter it was nearly hazardous to write. Readers with tic disorders be warned! They have a whole conversation about tics and Bubby's life pre-rescas.

Joshua’s developed a habit of going out to the falls just to sit and look at the water. He’s on his way back from there one day when Benrey appears a few feet in front of him, startling him.

“Oh. There you are,” Benrey says.

“Yes! Hi!” Joshua startles, pressing a hand to his heart. “You scared me!”

“Oh, I, uh, didn’t know where you were.” Benrey looks around nervously, avoiding eye contact. He smacks his lips. “Sorry. Had to find you.”

Frowning, Joshua asks, “why, is something wrong?”

“No.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“You were gone for a while,” Benrey continues. “I was worried.”

“Oh!” Joshua smiles. “That’s nice of you.” He hadn’t thought Benrey would care to check on him like this. “I’m okay, I was just by the stream.”

“Oh, okay,” Benrey says. “That’s good. Wanna uh, wanna walk back together? If that’s where you were going--”

Joshua smiles at him. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

They pick their way through the trees side by side, Benrey secretly happy to have the opportunity to spend time with the kid. He cares about him, he can’t deny that, and he wants him to like him, to see him as a dad-- like he sees him as a son.

\--

Joshua steps outside after dark one night to find Bubby sitting alone by the fire. He slouches in his seat, staring into it aimlessly. Joshua pads over to the fire to join him, greeting him awkwardly.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Bubby responds, emptily. The fire crackles in the silence.

Joshua sits down awkwardly, the two of them not having talked much since he arrived. He considers getting up and leaving, but decides it would be too awkward. So he sits and stares into the fire with Bubby, not knowing what to say now that he’s there. 

The flames dry his eyes with the proximity, making them itch just a little. He looks away and blinks to refresh them.

He sits there for seemingly forever, wondering if he should have just left Bubby alone.

“How are you adjusting?” Bubby finally asks.

“Oh, uh, it’s going,” Joshua answers, caught off guard. “What about you?”

Joshua kicks himself for the stupid question.  _ What about you? _ The man’s lived here for ten years, he’s not still adjusting.

“Eh. Some times are worse than others,” Bubby says.

“Oh…?” Joshua didn’t expect that kind of answer. “...what do you mean?”

Bubby sighs, gazing into the flames. “Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were stuck in--” His sentence is interrupted by two forceful jerks of his head. “--Bla-ack mesa.” His voice catches on the name of the facility and he shrugs quickly, involuntarily.

“Oh. You were thinking about it tonight?” Should he ignore those movements he keeps doing?

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.” They stare into the fire some more. Bubby occasionally jerks his shoulders or turns his neck so quickly that it looks dangerous-- or at least painful. Once or twice his body seizes up and tenses for a moment before releasing with another jerk of the head and a ‘woo’ which he shouts into the night.

Joshua tries not to stare. “Are you okay…?” He asks, unsure if it’s the right thing to do.

“Yes.” He seems grouchy.

“Oh okay.” he hesitates. “What was that? A sneeze…?”

“It’s tics. They happen more when I think about it.”

Picking up on the ‘more’ qualifier, Joshua asks, “So is that something that happens anyway?”

“Yes.”

“Oh okay.” Pause. “I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“I was gonna think about it anyway,” Bubby replies despondently.

“Well why think about it if it’s gonna hurt?” 

They share a moment of silence while Joshua watches Bubby consider his answer. “Some things…” He starts, “don’t just go away. What happened to us is one of those things.” Bubby shoulder twitches minutely. “It doesn’t help that we did all that in the city.”

Joshua had opened his mouth to respond when suddenly Bubby’s body seizes up again. It looks painful, and he seems to be shaking lightly. He can’t imagine how tense he’d have to be to  _ vibrate _ . Bubby’s eyes are even squeezed shut, and whether it’s out of pain or if it’s part of the tic, Joshua doesn’t know. 

Joshua doesn’t know if he should call somebody…? Is this a tic? It’s lasted for longer than it probably should. Bubby’s old, too-- What if it’s a seizure? What is he supposed to do in case of a seizure? Joshua turns around in his seat, looking for help, but is met with the darkness behind him. He’s just about to go get somebody when he turns back forward and sees that Bubby is completely fine.

He’s just staring at the fire again like it never happened. Joshua doesn’t want to be insensitive by underreacting  _ or _ overreacting so he just… does what Bubby does. Ignores it. He looks down at his own hands, noting that his nails need to be trimmed again. They’ve been growing pretty fast lately.

Joshua breaks the silence again after a moment. “I’m, uh, sorry, though.”

“Bah. I’ve always had tics, even before. It’s just a part of my nervous system.”

“Really?” Bubby doesn’t answer. “Um, what was life like before, anyway?”

“Well…” Bubby leans back. “I just worked at --” sniff “-- the facility. I was made there, so…”

“...made?”

“Yes, I was made in a tube. I was supposed to be the perfect scientist, and when I wasn’t good enough they would lock me back in there,” Bubby says, scowling.

“That uh, sucks.” What?

“Mhm. Harold kept me sane back then. I’ve known him the longest out of everyone.” Bubby gets lost in thought. “He stuck around through all my bad attitudes and now he’s stuck with me out here, too.”

Another tense moment of silence passes, Bubby seemingly remembering something. Joshua opts not to interrupt.

“That man helped me through my first tic attack. And when the higher ups found out about my,” he clears his throat, “ _ nervous system malfunction _ , they tried to put me away for good. It was Coomer who fought for me to stay free.

“And when I first said I wasn’t a man like I was supposed to be,” Bubby continues, “he fought for me again.”

“So are you not a man?” Joshua asks.

“No, I’m not.”

“Oh… me neither.” They sit in silence for another moment before Joshua also asks, “So should I not call you ‘he?’”

“‘He’ is fine,” Bubby replies nonchalantly. “It’s familiar, and it's not bad.”

“Okay.” Joshua says. “Cuz sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna be a ‘he.’”

“What  _ do _ you want to be?”

“Well, uhm.” Joshua picks at his nails. “Ideally neither… but that only leaves ‘they,’ and that just kinda feels like… the default pronoun? Like you use it for people you don’t know. It doesn’t say what I am, it just kinda… avoids what I’m not?

“When people hear about a ‘they,’ they don’t picture a person who’s neither. They’ll just assume they don’t know who that person is. I want people to know for sure that I’m something else.”

“So make new words,” Bubby says simply.

“Okay-- there are new words already, I just-- I don’t want to make anyone have to use them for me. I’d be--”

“What are the new words?” Bubby interrupts.

“--the only one… Well there’s the ones that go xe, xem, xir that I kinda like… but like I said, I--”

“Do you want to be called ‘xe?” Bubby interrupts again.

“Well I mean--”

“I’ll only ask one more time. Is that what you  _ want _ to be called?”

“Yeah…” Joshua concedes.

“Then that’s what I’ll call you.”

“I-- thank you,” Joshua says.

“Mhm,” Bubby nods. “And the others would be happy to call you that too.”

“Thank you, a lot.”

Bubby nods, and the two of them sit together by the fire for a little while longer. It’s not so awkward anymore.

\--

It’s a warm clear day when Gordon and Benrey are out chopping wood with Joshua. 

Gordon demonstrates to Joshua how to do it, deftly chopping the wood, when Benrey interrupts him.

He’s midswing when Benrey says “No man, that’s wrong. Here, let me show you.”

Confused, Gordon doesn’t react quick enough to stop him from taking the axe from his hands. Benrey then chops some more wood the exact same way Gordon had.

“Dude that’s literally what I just did!” Gordon shouts.

“Uh, no it’s not,” Benrey says smugly, “You did it like this:” He then mimes a much more stereotypically gay version of Gordon chopping wood.

“Wha--” Gordon sputters, “I did not! I do  _ not _ act like that!”

“Yea you so do dude you’re like,” Benrey does the gay hand thing, “you’re gay.”

Gordon looks to Joshua for backup only to see his kid laughing too..

He turns back to Benrey. “Dude so are you! What the fuck?” Gordon holds back laughter. “Dude we are literally  _ together _ we share a bed! You’re gay!” Benrey just spins around, laughing his ass off with a shit eating grin on his face.

Watching this unfold, Joshua thinks about how much he loves these guys. 

\--

A few months after Joshua moved in, Benrey overhears what sounds like crying coming from xir room. He awkwardly knocks on xir door, still not knowing where they stand in their relationship. The crying stops.

“Uh… you good?” He calls through the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine!” xe answers. 

“Are you sure…?”

There’s a long pause before Joshua answers, “...no…”

Benrey opens the door to find xem crying in xir bed. He goes over to sit on the edge of the bed.

“What’s, uh, wrong?” He asks. “You can tell me. I won’t, like, use it against you.”

Joshua hesitates a moment before answering. “I just feel bad.”

Benrey waits for xem to continue.

“Because I have so much now and I know I’m so lucky but I still feel shitty. ‘Cuz...” Xe wipes xir eyes. “...because you guys are so nice to me and I feel close to you all, and like I finally have a home. I thought moving out here would make me feel better-- and it does, like, I’m so much happier now…

“But like… every night back then I would just sit in my room alone and feel so fucking  _ lonely _ and  _ unfulfilled _ , like I was missing out on something. Like I  _ needed _ a family and somewhere to belong.”

“I felt so empty and alone and unfulfilled,” xe continues. “But now-- now that I’m here and I have all that stuff I still feel…” xe wipes xir eyes and sniffles again. “I still feel like that. I still feel like I  _ hate _ myself and I’m good for nothing. Like there’s no point in me and I’m not worth it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get away from it.” Joshua starts crying again. “I thought this would save me. And I feel so ungrateful.”

Benrey sits quietly for a second, thinking of how to respond. This isn’t his strong suit, but he’s glad he checked on xem.

“...that doesn’t make you ungrateful,” he finally says. “You have depression, I think. None of us can expect you to be cured from that just because things got better when you moved here. Neither can you.”

“Okay but like,” Joshua argues, “Why can’t I be?” Xe looks at him as if pleading for salvation, fresh tear streaks lining xir face.

Joshua weakly reaches out to Benrey for a hug, who takes xem in his arms. He hugs Joshua for a long minute, letting xem cry into his shoulder as the sun sets.

Joshua finds xemself laying in Benrey’s lap, looking up into the darkness, catching xir breath.

Benrey breaks the silence by singing some Sweet Voice into the air above xem. Joshua finds xemself staring at the mixture of red and orange twinkling before xir eyes. Xe’s never seen Sweet Voice before. 

As the bubbles slowly fade to be replaced with a tranquil darkness, Benrey sings some more, this time leaving an iridescent and ethereal mixture of green, blue, and purple in the air.

Joshua stares up at it, mesmerized. “What is that?” xe asks.

“It’s the Sweet Voice,” Benrey murmurs. “It calms you down.”

Benrey sings out some more of it, and a melodious mixture of orange, yellow, and royal purple dance in the space above Joshua’s face. It shields xem from the problems that had been closing in on xem before.

Joshua can hear the feeling in Benrey’s voice as he sings to xem, and a few more tears escape Joshua’s eyes, this time because xe feels safe.

The colors and the sound of his voice relax xem and make xem feel at home. Benrey fills the space with one last batch of colors -- pink, teal, and brown, and the two of them watch them twinkle and disappear together. As the room fades to black, Joshua finds xemself feeling warm and safe.

Joshua doesn’t know how much longer xe laid there in Benrey’s lap before falling asleep. The next morning xe wakes up tucked into bed.


	20. Epilogue...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the epilogue of the epilogue and it's criminally short :) I love you all thank you for reading!

About a year after Joshua moved in with the others, the group lay outside stargazing on a clear night. They lay on the bare ground with their heads in a circle. They make idle, relaxed chatter, just like every night.

Joshua feels something tickle the top of xir head, and turning to see what it is sees that it’s one of xir dad’s antennae. 

Joshua rubs the top of xir head. “Daaad, rein it in!” xe whines.

“What?” Gordon starts. “What am I doing?”

“Your antennae! They’re tickling me!” 

This makes Benrey laugh from his spot across from Gordon.

“What??” Gordon says, defensively.

“Dude you suck at controlling those things.”

Gordon sits up to face them. “What do you mean?” he responds, mouth open pretending to be scathed. Looks like another night of play fighting for the herd.

“They do whatever they want man, they have minds of their own,” Benrey answers, looking up at him, upside down.

“They do not!”

“They kind of do, Gordon!” Coomer adds.

“Learn your body, Gordon!” says Bubby.

Joshua sits up too. “Yeah dad, learn some self control,” xe laughs.

“Now you hold on kid, you’re one to talk!” Gordon says. “You’ve started chirping since you moved here and you don’t control it either!”

Joshua, unable to find a suitable comeback for that, accidentally chirps from the cavity that formed in the back of his throat some months ago. When the others laugh, xe resorts to yanking a handful of grass from the ground and throwing it at Gordon, making him flinch.

“Hey!”

They’re all laughing now, and Bubby and Tommy are already getting up to participate in the impending games.

Things escalate to throwing grass and chasing each other around, and no one cares about the grass stains they’ll have on their clothes in the morning. Who’s gonna see it, anyway? The new stains can join the others. They each wear a mosaic of memories in their clothes.

Joshua slows down and steps aside for a breather, watching as the others chase each other, throwing grass and forcing those flying bugs to rise out of the ground and relocate. Xe smiles.

Joshua knows that even though there will always be times when it’s hard to feel happy, it’s gonna be okay, because there will also be times like this. Xe knows xe has allies in xir corner who will be there for xem the next time those feelings come back. Xe’s found xir family finally, and they’ll always be there to remind him of that. 

They all needed a family, xe thinks, and xe’s happy they found it in each other. Joshua doesn’t doubt that xe’s just as important to them as they are to xem. They made a home where there wasn’t one, and for that xe’s proud of them. Proud to be one of them. Xe wouldn’t have it any other way.

Inseparable no matter the distance and belonging no matter their differences, there’s no other family for xem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this fic may be over, the series probably isn't! Like I mentioned before, I'm considering a sequel and also writing a bonus chapter of Joshua coping with the inhuman behaviors of his family. So I hope y'all will subscribe to this series so you know when I add more. We've also still got Boomer backstory to cover as well as loads of hanging plotlines, like: how did all those aliens escape black mesa? where are gman, forzen, and darnold? not to mention the whole thing where the science team was monitoried during the rescas back from the maria oneshot...
> 
> Sure I *could* move on and write other hlvrai and half life fics, but it looks like this AU is my baby and I am going to raise it good, gosh dangit.


End file.
